I Gotta Make It Puns

The doctor said, “Relax, you’re two tents.”

I’m not a very witty person, but a bartender was taking a cup to dish and she was like, “omg everybody look at this drink! Doesn’t it look so good?” (sarcastically) And it was whatever alcohol was in it and a juul pod package inside the cup

And I was like, “omg it’s a mint juulep” and everybody laughed even the owner of the company who was there. Felt very good.

I want it to be clear of how slow minded I am. It’s so bad that I will stop mid-sentence because I can’t come up with the right word. So for a joke to hit so well I just gotta thank you guys for encouraging me to make puns and be that funny guy at work❤️

The year is 2100, there is a fisherman who just finished dinner and he asks his grandson to go 'get the old bay' so his grandson goes into the pantry and gets the old bay seasoning

The old fisherman says

"boy! that's not the old bay! go and get the old bay!" so the grandson goes back into the pantry, and he looks everywhere, but he can't find anything marked "old bay"

So he goes back to the old fisherman and says, defeated

"I can't find the old bay"

The fisherman groans

and walks outside

a few minutes pass by

and then the old fisherman comes back inside with his wife

and says

"THAT'S not the old bay"

and then he points at his wife and says

"THIS is the 'Old Bae'"

note: I've told this joke at my job in two separate meetings. They are quite fond of "dad jokes" so I thought I would try to share it, and I gotta tell you. The silence was deafening both times. It's now evolving into an ironic joke we tell to make people cringe. So proud of it.

Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.

Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.

Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.

Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...

Take my glove

Take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care

I'm still three

You can't take this Skye from me

Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.

At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).

I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.

It went something along the lines of this:

DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.

Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.

DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.

Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.

DM: Well, yeah maybe.

And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.

Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.

A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.

I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"

We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.

They're in a car in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, the car starts making noise and stops completely.

The electrician quickly says: it must be the spark plugs! I will take a look and change them.

The mecanician responds : no it's the transmission! I gotta jack the car and make sure the clutch is ok.

The informatician confidently asks: what if we just get out of the car and come right back in?

My boyfriend wanted a protein shake and was asked me to make one. I was stalling a little bit and my son piped in "You gotta scare her first" we said what? "That's how you make a shake". I was laughing and so my son decided to keep going. He said "How do you make a napkin dance?" "You put a lil boogie in it" at that point I groaned. My boyfriend said "Quit while you are ahead" my son replied "But I'm a body"

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

It was 9:50 PM and the giant shopping center near the Pokémon trainer’s home closed at 10 PM. He was driving very fast to try and make it. Of course, he got pulled over. The officer approached the car and asked, “Why were you going so fast, sir?”

His reply, “Well officer, I gotta catch a mall.”

She takes the pregnancy test, hunched over the pee pee stick on the toilet.

Her: "Honey...I think I'm pregnant."

Him: "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad!" (Did I really just say that? Out loud? I could've sworn I said I was so happy...weird)

Her: "This isn't a joke...I'm serious." (Did he just make...a dad joke? About being a dad?)

Him: "I thought you said your name was pregnant." (FUCK. What is happening to me?? Gotta say something normal..)

"Uhhhhh...I'm so fucking sorry. Really I couldn't help it, I guess."

Sorry: "At least you finally used my real name."

Me: We should have post surgery cake! (Proceed to tell my brother he should make it just to see if he would.) Bro: I'm not making that cake bro. I gotta leave. Dad: I've got Tylenol.

Took me a minute but damn was it funny.

Friend One: There are too many commercials with talking cows. At some point it's gotta stop.

Me: Are they udderly annoying?

Friend 2: AYYYY

Me: I believe the ads are very mooving.

Me: If you don't like these jokes, I'll stop milking them.

Friend 2: Omg

Me: I'll leave it aloin.

Friend 3: /u/increasingrain stop being cheesy.

Me: I'll make a gouda one later.

Friend 1: This is why we can have nice things.

Me: Whey, I thought that I was curdious?

My dad saw me about to make some chicken noodle soup. Knowing I wasn't feeling well he offered to make it for me instead. I accepted his offer and sat down on the couch. Once it was done, my dad hands me a bowl of the hot soup and extends a spoon towards me. I look at the spoon but notice as I'm about to grab it, it's one of those strainer spoons, the big ones with the holes in it. I give him a dumbfounded look, and he proceeds to bust out laughing as he takes a normal spoon out from behind his back, hands it to me, and walks back to the kitchen chuckling to himself the whole way. Gotta love that guy.

Friend: Did you hear that robots are going to be smarter than humans by 2045? Do you want to build a bunker now or wait for the good, stupid robots and make them do it for us?
Me: Nah, bro. We gotta do it ourselves. The bad robots will retrieve the good robots' memory and find our bunker.
Friend: Maybe we could bribe them with cookies?
Me: I doubt we have enough cookies, robots take megabytes.

they were making rubber on the show. He said "I really wonder how rubber trees have survived evolution! It's gotta be really hard to procreate!"

Commence face-palming.