I once debated a flat earther. He got so mad he stormed off saying he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I got struck by lightning.
I got hired to paint someone’s home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
I got hit with a Pepsi today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt. It was a soft drink.
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
I got hit with a coke today...
I've got the body of a porn star....
All my clothes says XXXX.
I got fired from a calendar factory today.
They didn't like it that I took a few days off.
My flatmate and I are single AF so I got her flours for valentines day....
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
I got you a refrigerator for your birthday.
I can’t wait to see your face light up when you open it.
I got tired trying to think of a good posting title for this one.
I got called pretty today.
...well, actually, the full statement was “you’re pretty annoying”, but I only focus on positive things.
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
Wait, I think I got the whole dating thing wrong
I got hit in the head with a can of soda.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
I've got a chicken who counts her own eggs....
I got a mail saying that I won a million dollars because I could read Maps backwards
I thought to myself, "That's just Spam".
I got lost on my way to the store because I was...
I can't believe I just got fired from the calendar factory...
All I did was take a day off.
I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
I got a pun calendar and thought I would share
I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler
Me: What'd you do today?
My toddler: Nothing
Me: Are you sure about that?
My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
I got in a car wreck and lost my left arm, but don’t worry...
I’m all right.
buh-dum-tsss
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and I’m happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says it’s terminal
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
I got a part time job kissing both women and men
It's not much but it's getting me bi
When I was first learning Photoshop I got a bit creative. I could hear my friends roll their eyes.
MY GIRLFRIENDS DOG DIED SO I GOT HER AN IDENTICAL ONE
SHE WAS LIVID AND SCREAMED WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO WITH TWO DEAD DOGS !
Current status.. single
When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....
...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.
I was watching the rotation of the Earth, but I got bored after 24 hours.
For Valentine's day, I got my wife a sexy little number that really shows her curves...
I use a lot of the jokes from here, but I always tell folks where I got them.
Just giving cReddit where it's due.
I got a donut for lunch, but I had to complain about it...
The manager asked, "did you have a problem with any particular part of the donut?"
I said yes. The hole thing.
(one of my only original jokes I've ever come up with.)
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
I got gas for $1.19 today!
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
I accidentally got ketchup in my eyes
I got thrown out of the Facebook puns group for a post about ice cream.
They just said "How dairy!"
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
I got a bunch of crows together and tried to teach them how to sing
But it just resulted in a cacawphony
Today I got out-dad joked by a 2 year old
I asked my daughter if she was hungry and she said "No, I'm Charlotte".
I'm so proud of her, but also I had been waiting to do the whole hi hungry, I'm dad bit to her when I thought she was old enough to get it. Now I feel like I've missed that window
A flat earther was debating me and got so mad he said "I will walk off the edge of the earth to prove you wrong!!"
He'll come around eventually
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
I got an email from Google Earth saying it can “read maps backwards” and I thought
I said to my daughter "The cows are out sleeping in the field." She said "What's that got to do with anything? "
I said "It's pasture bedtime."
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