Lately Iโve been storing all my extra change in some bushes outside.
Iโm starting my own hedge fund.
๐︎ 74
๐
︎ Feb 03 2021
I bought a chameleon and it wouldn't change colour....
The vet said it had a reptile dysfunction.
๐︎ 18
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︎ Jan 22 2021
I didn't think a vasectomy would change my life that much...
๐︎ 6
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
Itโs a real game changer
๐︎ 9
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︎ Jan 13 2021
I was doing gymnastics after a part-time shift at the tire change shop, my coach asked me how I learned to do back handsprings without a tumbling cylinder
I said it actually just took me a goodyear or two
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Jan 23 2021
I was at a local store buying a shitty old CD for $9.95. When I handed the cashier my $10, he handed me my change and said:
"Here's your Nickleback."
๐︎ 8
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︎ Dec 17 2020
I am baffled that the cashier is out of change.
๐︎ 5
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Well. After many years I have decided to change my gamer tag to glove.
I just think itโs catchy.
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Nov 07 2020
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...
I had become trans-parent
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ Nov 25 2020
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Ever since my sex change my son acts like Iโm not here...
Maybe itโs because Iโm trans-parent
๐︎ 20
๐
︎ Sep 14 2020
To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
I'm definitely not kidding.
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Aug 31 2020
My wife said she's gonna leave me if I don't change and stop reading erotic novels
I decided to turn over a new leaf
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Sep 29 2020
I lost some loose change
And haven't seen them cents.
๐︎ 19
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︎ Aug 29 2020
I boasted to my son, "Did you know scientists discovered that the brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born?" He rolled his eyes and ignored me, but I carried on...
๐︎ 15
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︎ Aug 25 2020
Doesn't he need to change? I bet his best friend's name is penny.
๐︎ 16
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︎ Jun 21 2020
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
๐︎ 7
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︎ Jul 27 2020
Ever since I went through with my sex change operation my kids have been completely ignoring me
It's like I'm transparent.
๐︎ 16
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I used to organize my change by putting each coin into their respective cage, but someone stole all the nickles!
Now I have a nickleless cage...
๐︎ 9
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︎ Jun 19 2020
When I want to talk with people I just met I talk to them about climate change
I find that it's a great ice breaker
๐︎ 11
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︎ Jun 09 2020
My wife says I change subjects too often when I'm talking to people.
I'm glad it rained today so I don't need to water the lawn. Anyone else feel like pizza for dinner?
๐︎ 14
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︎ Jul 20 2020
I just saw the maintenance guy change a lightbulb in our office.
He was climbing up the corporate ladder.
๐︎ 12
๐
︎ Jun 02 2020
I got a universal remote for Christmas. This changes everything.
๐︎ 8k
๐
︎ Jan 30 2019
As I thought, the publisher of my book called "Bio" wants me to change the name. It figures...
That's the story of my life.
๐︎ 2
๐
︎ Jun 29 2020
My father had a sex change and I don't see him anymore.
๐︎ 4
๐
︎ May 11 2020
My Music Pun of the Week. I have to change it Every. Single. Week. I'm running out of ideas.
๐︎ 110
๐
︎ Jul 02 2019
I went to the bank teller and told him I wanted to change banks and open an account.
Man: No problem Sir. Whatโs the name of your previous bank?
Me: Piggy.
๐︎ 7
๐
︎ May 31 2020
To keep the virus away, I'm taking forever to open the door, refusing to change the temperature and only playing games in single player mode.
In other words, I'm doing everything I can to be a bad host.
๐︎ 15
๐
︎ Mar 24 2020
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Apr 10 2020
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
๐︎ 115
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︎ Nov 09 2019
I tried to change my password into โbeefstewโ
But it wasnโt stroganoff
๐︎ 182
๐
︎ Sep 15 2019
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening heโs absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend โWhy I have to change my position every time?โ
He replies โI know, this sub is full of repostsโ
๐︎ 228
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︎ Aug 10 2019
If I ever go to Prison, I'm gonna change my name to Mitochondria
I want everyone to know I'm the powerhouse of the cell.
๐︎ 178
๐
︎ Jul 28 2019
I want a brain transplant... change my mind.
๐︎ 76
๐
︎ Mar 17 2019
I had to change dentists because the last one hurt my fillings.
๐︎ 415
๐
︎ Dec 22 2018
My wife told me I wasn't very good at listening - that it was time to make some changes and she needed some distance.
So I bought her an alarm clock with a remote control.
๐︎ 5
๐
︎ Feb 12 2020
The other day I brought myself a universal remote and thought to myself well this changes everything.
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Mar 24 2018
I see some change around here
๐︎ 352
๐
︎ Feb 10 2019
I left some change in my pants pocket
And now my wife is getting accused of laundering money
๐︎ 11
๐
︎ Nov 17 2019
I might change electric companies soon.
Iโm not happy with my current provider.
๐︎ 17
๐
︎ Oct 25 2019
Iโve been working a long time. My job is hard, unfulfilling and honestly, doesnโt pay that great. I think itโs time for a change of pace for me. Iโve decided to go into a completely different direction and become a pig rancher.
Itโs the only way I can bring home the bacon.
๐︎ 9
๐
︎ Dec 09 2019
I'm going to name my son Pert and then change his name
So whatever he does, he'll be an expert.
๐︎ 3k
๐
︎ Mar 08 2017
The sweater I bought from the store was picking up static electricity, so I went back to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
๐︎ 38
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︎ Aug 22 2019
๐︎ 10
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︎ Mar 06 2019
I tried to change the wood of my table but got yelled at
I was just trying to spruce things up
๐︎ 10
๐
︎ Oct 12 2019
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
๐︎ 12
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︎ Jul 05 2019
To be Frank, Iโd have to change my name.
๐︎ 46
๐
︎ Nov 15 2019
To be frank, Iโd have to change my name.
๐︎ 78
๐
︎ Jun 29 2019
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