A list of puns related to "I Can Do That"
A can't.
They lack toes in taller ants
An 8 foot wall.
I said, “OK, Zoomer.“
...is visiting Amazon while on Safari.
Comment your best "Abbey" puns. Bonus points: her last name rhymes with "long". Or... dong, I guess. So.... long.
he said, "because it says 'concentrate' on the can."
An older guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Check it out, I got a 'selfie' stick for my cellphone," he tells the bartender. "What the heck did you do that for? You're not a 12 year old girl," the bartender asks. "Because now I can finally hold my phone far enough away to actually be able to read my text messages....."
Why do they put fences around cemetery’s? Because people are dying to get in.
I told my daughters this joke years ago and told them it was from my dad. I want a joke that I can make at his funeral to my children in his honor. Can you help me out?
The teller say “hi my name is Patty Whack. How can I help you”.
The frog asks for a loan. The teller asks, “do you have any collateral?”
The frog answer “all I have is this” and hands the teller a small elephant glass figurine.
The Teller rolls her eyes and calls for the manager. The manager comes over and asks what’s going on.
The teller tells him that the frog is looking for a loan and all he has to offer is this little elephant.
The manager replies, “It’s a niknak, Mrs. Patty Whack give the frog a loan.”
Patient: I can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Today my daughter (7) found a random plastic eyeball that fell off a toy in our yard. She carried it around with her all morning while she was playing different games. When it was time to clean up I noticed she was putting away all her toys except the eyeball.
I asked her: “Are you putting the eyeball away too or are you leaving it out?”
She replied: “leaving it out”
So I said: “Oh, so you can see what you’re doing?”
The stare… then huge eye roll. Then back to cleaning up.
I helped her finish putting away her toys and she came up behind me and pushed something against my back. I turned around and it was the eyeball.
She said: “Daddy, I’m keeping my eye on you!”
Proud moment. I hope she never gets tired of the dad humor!
hiya, im currently scripting a short film but im so stuck on a title. its about two best friends who end up accidentally kidnapping the bartender of their favourite bar and have to figure out how to return him to his apartment - its a short little realism comedy. i know that i want it to be a pun or play on words that has something to do with alcohol or the bartender.
something along the lines of 'pour descicions' or 'stolen goods' - something punchy and quick
can anyone think of any more titles like this ? tysm :)))
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been thinking about buying an old car and fixing it up. I found an old Chevy Vega on Craigslist that looks interesting. What do you think?" he asks the bartender. "Oh heck yes! You've got to buy it!" the bartender enthuses. "Those cars are the best. You can do anything you want in them and never have to worry about a thing!" "Really?" the guy asks. "What makes you say that?" "Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas," the bartender replies.
My partner is pregnant with our first child. Very happy.
During the ultrasounds, the lady doing it said, "And here you can see the largest artery coming out straight from the heart."
I was sitting next to my partner. I leaned over to her and said, "Aorta make sure that's looking good."
We all sighed. It was great.
So there was a man who really loved his tractors. All of his life were about tractors. He had posters, DVD's and owned a lot of tractors. This man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors. It was his lovely wife. One day, she was out on the fields and got crushed by a tractor. The man tried to save her but with no luck. She was killed by a tractor.
This man, despite his love of tractors, he got rid of everything. The posters he burns. The DVD's he throws them in the bin. The tractors he sells.
It takes him a while but he finally gets over his wife and he goes on a date with a new woman.
So they are in this fancy restaurant and they enjoy their food. But all of the sudden a lot of smoke comes out of the kitchen. It spreads through the entire restaurant. Everyone panics and no one can get fresh air, so they run out.
The man says: "calm down, I got this". He sucks all of the smoke in, runs outside and blows it all out. He has cleared all of the smoke in the restaurant. He comes back in and continues his meal. His date is surprised and impressed and says: "How did you do that?". Then he answers:
I am an extractor fan
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement -
... keep reading on reddit ➡Dad: "You know you can do better. "
Son: " Oh! Thanks dad. That means a lot. "
Dad: "I was talking to your girlfriend. "
Hey all,
I thought I would share a wholesome yet hilarious jab at me my daughter unintentionally made last night.
I honestly can’t remember what joke I made last night but it’s one that we would all make. akin to the “kid comes up and days I’m hungry” joke. I chuckle to myself.
My 6 year old responds Daughter: “Mom, is Dad still learning to tell jokes?” Wife: “No sweetie why do you ask?” Daughter deadpan face and tone: “Because that wasn’t funny.”
I can do that with my eyes closed.
Hey guys, wanted to post some of my dad jokes from this week. If you guys like them I can post again periodically.
At a petting zoo, my 3-year old boy asks why the pony doesn't make noise. I tell him "because he's a little hoarse" (ok that might be an old one).
At the same petting zoo, my boy won't get off the display tractor when other kids want to use it. "Come on, don't be a de-tractor". Another kid is falling asleep on a different tractor. "That must be the dozer".
My infant son is about to flip over during tummy time but can't do it yet. When he missed his morning tummy time, my wife said he should make it up with extra time in the afternoon. I tell her "those are the roll-over minutes"
We are on a playdate at a friend's house, and his 3-year old spills open a teabag all over his bare feet. I say "guess he'll never have an alcohol problem". Friend asks "why not?". "Because he's a tea-toe-toller".
Buying vegetables at the grocery store, I tell my wife some of the lettuce varieties they're selling these days have been genetically edited. She asks "how do you know?" I tell her "they just taste CRISPR".
The rubber ducky in our bathtub has a stethoscope for some reason. My son asks if the stethoscope works. "No, that guy's a quack".
These are just the good ones, I probably told about 50 bad ones to get these. If you guys like them, happy to post more. Happy superb owl day!
I'm getting married Saturday and I need some ideas for a great situational joke to play on my bride to be.
At my best man's wedding, when he was expected to say "I do", he paused. Then he ran over to the groomsmen, and we huddled up and whispered for a few moments. After a few nods he ran back to the altar and said "I do." It was a great way to break the formality and tension and went off great.
I want something similar. Something pseudo-wholesome( that's why I'm in r/Dadjokes!), that can break the tension and get a few chuckles. But not something uncouth, deviant, sexual, or terribly disruptive. Please help me out!
"What can you do?" Asks the Ringleader
"I can imitate a bird" the man replies.
"Ppfff that's nothing" says the Ringleader "Anyone can imitate a bird! get outta here and stop wasting my time!"
The man doesn't argue. He simply gets up and flies out the window.
He said he is really busy, but he might be able to squeeze me in.
I said “it would be really cool if you can do that”
I recently cut my hair. I expect my coworkers to all give me the expected "ermagerd yer hair dur hur."
That being said, i want to add to the stupid by having some hair puns ready to go. What are some ones you all can think of?
One imparticular i want to try and work in is one having to do with "cow lick" but I have no idea on how to make that one work. Any ideas on this one?
Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left. Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?
Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty. Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.
Waitress: This second one tells me that you are not married. Man: Yes, that's true too.
Waitress: And this last one tells me that your mother wasn't married either.
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeast🙏🏻❤️
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁
Bill retires, having worked for the same employer for 34 years, after graduating from college. After a year, the inactivity starts to get to him. So, he goes and gets a job as a greeter at WalMart. Everyone loves him. Kids behave in the store, women remark at what a gentleman he is, little old ladies say he is gallant, even the employees are more productive after walking in past Bill every morning. The only problem is, Bill is late… Every, Single, day. The Manager covers for him as long as he can, but finally HR decrees that bill has to click in on time, or go.
So, the manager sits down with Bill, and says.. Bill.. everyone likes you, and you do a great job. But you’re late every day. Bill Replies.. ‘yea, I am, I Guess I could try to work on that.’ The manager asks ‘Bill, what did they say when you were late at your last job?’
Bill thinks for a minute, and replies ‘Good Morning, Admiral, would you like a cup of coffee, sir?’
Some of these are border-line uncle jokes. I'm also an uncle. I keep all these jokes in my dadabase. Aka Google notes.
Some of these I got off of podcasts, the dad joke API, some from movies, but most are from this sub. Let me know if you want a source for a joke or if one of them was yours I'll give credit.
It's ok to be Frank with people. Or josh with them. But try not to Rob or Sue them.
What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck
If the USA is so great then why did they make USB?
Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa. Which is strange.
You think he'd be from mad-at-gas-car
How did Jesus keep his abs? Crossfit
What does a Jewish cowboy celebrate Yee-Hanukka
What did the stamp say to the letter Stick with me and you'll go places
I gave my wife a glue stick instead of lipstick She's still not talking to me
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it. Envelope ✉
Why do people on Athens hate getting up early Because dawn is tough on Grease
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain A purramid
Why do fish like salt water? Pepper makes them sneeze
If april showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? PILGRIMS
Why do cemeteries have fences Because people are dying to get in
Did you know Bruce Lee had a Faster older brother? Sudden lee
Did you know he also had a Vegan brother? Broco lee
Pig black belt in karate Pork chop
How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes in 3 cups of coffee If you have 20 sugar cubes? You have to use all the cubes.
You put 1 in the first cup, one in the second cup, and 18 in the last cup. Because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put on a cup of coffee.
I was going to tell your a joke about Yoga But it's Not working out
What do you do if your wife starts smoking Use some lubricant
did you hear about the woman with 12 breasts? Sounds weird, dozen tit?
What did baby corn say to momma corn ( I got a boy scout selling popcorn to eyeroll me on this one) Where's popcorn
What type of pasta do they serve at a haunted house? Fettuccine Afradio
What do you call a werewolf streamer? Liken subscribe
Why don't Elton John songs have a copyright? You can tell everybody this is your song.
My mom swears up and down cows arent real I was in udder disbelief
Skeleton goes into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop
Why does it take a pirate so long to learn the alphabet Because th
... keep reading on reddit ➡We’ve been in a bad joke email war for some time now. It’s been so long, I don’t remember how it started. It may have happened when I moved out after staying with him and my mom for a while.
Long story short: I’ve got a lot of dad jokes to share with y’all, because we are constantly sending “dad jokes” to each other. And I have hundreds of jokes that are LITERALLY from my dad.
All the best jokes? They are headed your way!
Here’s some to get you started. I am copying and pasting them exactly as he writes in the email so you can get the full “dad” effect. He’s 72.
Everyone who can, take a moment out of your day to call your dad.
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the male pumpkin told the female pumpkin ................you look gourdish today boo me love dad
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Exaggeration is a billion times better than understatement..........................love, dad
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Is it true that if you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes an "aware wolf" ?
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If swimming is good for your figure how do you explain whales?
Bad aina, I almost didn't send it.......................................Love dad
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Have a good night everyone, and see you soon!
Halloween is approaching and I am making some punny tombstone decorations, in the spirit of Disney's Haunted Mansion cemetery. I thought it would be fun to collect some new ones from the reddit community. Here are Disney's crypt puns. Please share any additional ones that you can come up with.
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
Confused as to who it could be, he gets up and opens the door to find the county sheriff standing there.
'Why, hello sir,' he says, 'what can I do for ya this fine evening?'
'I'll get straight to the point,' the sheriff replies, 'I know you've been huntin' grizzlies in these here parts, and that's against the law!'
'Huh? I ain't been huntin' no grizzlies, sheriff,' the hunter replies, 'I been mainly focusin' on them deers i swear!'
The sheriff, not believing the hunter, insists on searching the cabin, with the hunter reluctantly letting him in. Upon his search, the sheriff finds multiple sets of the limbs of grizzly bears, providing all the evidence he needs to arrest the hunter.
The next day, the sheriff is approached at his desk by the hunter's lawyer as well as an FBI officer. Noting this as unusual he stands to greet them.
'I'm gonna have to ask you to let my client go,' the lawyer says.
'Why?' The sheriff stammered
The FBI agent interjects, 'You have violated the Constitution of the United States in imprisoning this hunter. The remains in his possession were all front legs of the grizzly bears, and as such, you have infringed upon his second amendment right to bear arms.'
For instance, if there was ever two of an item near me that you would obviously only need one of (let’s say a steak knife on the dinner table) he’d point and grin and say “I see you’ve got yourself one for each hand huh? Now you can cut twice as fast!”
But he would do this in every possible scenario and would get a good laugh out of it. Now, me being his son, I do the same stupid joke every single time I get the chance to in life.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Dad, I've been browsing r/dadjokes for a while and every post that gets upvoted is someone claiming their kid came up with it, when the joke is usually decades old and there are words in it most kids wouldn't understand. Why do people lie about what their kids say online for internet points?"
I was so shocked, I didn't even know how to respond. She's a German Sheppard what do I do?
OK but really can we ban these kinds of posts it's just annoying
Recently, my brother came a-knocking upon my chamber door. At first, I ignored his knockings, as I was otherwise indisposed, but eventually I relented, arose from my recumbent pose upon my comparatively humble pallet, and went to my door, the lintel of which is obviously forsaken of and unornamented by a bust of Pallas, yet I am not Poe's somewhat well-to-do narrator, so....I digress. Let me just finally arrive at the whole point and punchline of this particular and peculiar yet picayune semi-autobiographical story: So, I flung wide open the door, but neither so suddenly nor violently as to so take my brother off his guard that said flinging door struck him full in the face, but with still such a show of force that he well knew that he had awakened to full furiousness the rather sporadically beastly person who dwelt behind it. At any rate, startled by my unoccluding of the door or not, the first thing out of his mouth was a query concerning my collection of tools, which is even humbler than my pallet. In short, he inquired of me as to whether or not I possessed a hammer, to which inquiry I replied only that I used to, and then made a brief, dumb show of gesturally looking for it. When my silly and simple search proved fruitless, I then said, upon seeing a stack of canned food that sat upon the splintered shelf in the marred and ancient armoire that formerly belonged to our deceased father, "What if you were to use this can? Or, if you like, this CANMER"? (And thus concludes my hardly lengthy nor revelatory tale. Lol)
I hope this type of post is allowed!
I am going to visit my grandma this Tuesday to say goodbye to her. She is 87 and very ill, she is mentally still with it but in a lot of pain. She sounds at peace, I think she is just doing her best to hang on til we can get to her.
My grandma loves stupid jokes, dad jokes, puns, all that stuff. I’d love to share some laughs with her when I say goodbye. Hit me with your favorite and dumbest dad jokes and I will share the best ones with her.
Thank you Reddit fam!
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