I Belong To Me Puns

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

My family/town has socially alienated me for my sexuality. This has lead to quite a couple of problems, as you could imagine.

I've been behind on my taxes for quite a bit and it was only a matter of time before the government found out. They've been having a field day confiscating all my belongings.

That leaves me on the street.

I make enough money panhandling and doing under the table stuff to get me food every day and even enough to pay for an unlimited data plan, which I'm using to write this.

I need support. I can't continue on like this.

Life's not easy.

Especially if you're a homelessexual like me.

So I turned to my manager yesterday and said "We may not be able to have cell phones, but we can have SALE phones."

Note: This my first post here and not 100% sure if this is a dad joke. If it doesn't belong here, do inform me where I could post it. Many thanks!

So, I'm not 100% this belongs here. Feel free to rip me a new one in the comments.

I work overnights at a hotel. Last night I had a drunk guy walk up to the desk. He looks at me and goes "No eyelids man. My nephew was born today and he doesn't have any eyelids."

I'm pretty used to drunk people coming up to the desk and talking at me, but this caught my attention. I tell the guy its not the worst thing in the world and I'm sure they will be able to fix it, its better than being born blind, etc.

The guy looks up at me and says, "Yeah, they're gonna use his foreskin to fix it....My nephew is gonna be cockeyed!"

Doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it. Me: [handing baby back to him] Bring me the one my wife made

Taken from r/funnyandsad and believed it belonged on this subreddit as well

Dude to Me: Hi, I'm Hugh. Me: Did you say Hue? That name is so... colorful. ;)

He just blinked at me so I think this probably could also belong in r/thisiswhyimsingle if that's a thing.

I honestly just had a dream that belongs here. At the start of the dream, I meticulously engraved the word "Over" into a knife when I started getting all these friends and old contacts telling me to leave them alone and blocking me... when I didn't say shit. I finally notice somebody is going through my contacts on all social media one at a time and just ruining friendships sending lewd photos of their junk.

I realize it's coming from my computer at home and I can't get remoted into it so I start driving home... only to get caught in a bunch of tornados. One smaller one picks me up and throws my car about 20ft knocking my wheel loose.

I limp my car away from that tornado only to find another doing like a Mexican standoff with me on the highway. I turned to the random person in my passenger seat holding up the knife and said "Wind or Loose, it'll be Over in a Flash" and I woke up. Now I feel the need to change all my passwords...

I’m not sure, but I think this belongs here:

I work night shift as a unit clerk at a hospital, and there is this one old security guard who goes on rounds to every unit. He always stops at my desk and cracks really cheesy, cringe-worthy jokes. He has this one awful (awesome?) knee-slapper that seems to be a permanent fixture in his "dad joke" repertoire. He’s said it 3 or 4 times already since I’ve started working here in March, so I'm pretty sure this joke is constantly on standby for him.

This is the exact conversation every time:

Security dude: How are you doing this fine evening?

Me (purposefully setting myself up for it): Pretty good. How about you?

Security dude: Really? WELL, I’ve never been pretty or good, so I don't know what that's like! Hahahahahaha (continues to laugh like this is the funniest joke that’s ever been told).

I was told this belonged here..

When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"

After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"

So, my wife and I decided to move this freestanding shelf thing to our dining area. However, we have wood floors, so pretty much anything that's put there (table, chairs) has to have these felt pads on the bottom so it doesn't scratch up the floor. Even if this won't get moved around much, if at all, I felt better about putting the pads on the bottom of this shelf as well, just in case.

My wife has been bugging me to do it for a while, but you know, laziness. Finally, earlier tonight, I cut the felt sheets to size, stuck them on the shelf, and put it where it belongs. When I was done, I called my wife over. "I'm in bed!" "It'll be quick, I promise!" groan "You don't even have to come downstairs, you can see it from the hallway outside the bedroom door!"

Finally she came out, with a "this had better be good" look on her face. I pointed to the shelf, and proudly declared that "I felt up this rack!"

Worth it.

I work at a restaurant. The hostess who was leaving was telling me who her to-go orders belonged to before she left.

Her: (points at order) "This is Rose."

Me: (waves at bag) "Hi, Rose!"

She hit me, another coworker called me an ass, I laughed too hard at my own joke.

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

Setting the scene: My fiance, a friend of ours, and I were out mountain biking on a local trail. At the trail head we see a car that looks similar to one that belongs to our other friend "Dan."

Fiance: is that Dan? Me: what? Fiance: that looks like Dan (points to car) Friend: no, that's a car.

Not mine, this is a friend's conversation she had with her dad and I feel like it belongs here:

Me: "Dad, while you're at the store can you get me a new scrubby?"

Dad: "You want me to buy you a loofa?"

Me: "Yea, a hot pink one!"

Dad: "The only loofa I buy is Loofa Vandross"

I can't quite figure where this joke belongs, but it occurs in this one minute clip featuring a mountain lion. The answer this dad gives to his wife about where the kids are had me rolling:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33251042

A coworker at my office was telling me about the new Ford Escape she bought.

At the end of the day, she was gathering her belongings and preparing to leave for the day.

I said, "Don't forget to take your computer keyboard with you!"

She responds, "My keyboard? Why?"

I say, "You'll need it when you get to your car... it's got the Escape key on it."

So, workers at our office occasionally have their packages shipped to our work place. I think it's so that they have someone to sign off on them, or for security reasons. Either way, there were a couple IKEA packages dropped off today, and one of the admins wrote:

"We received 2 large IKEA boxes today. They do not have name on them. They are in the main hall near the front entry. Please pick up at your convenience. Please let me know who they belong to."

to which I replied all (bold, I know):

"Well I have no... IKEA."

(i'm only 24, going on 25. with no plan of kids for years, but i hope i did you guys proud)

Me: Grandma I like that dress did you get it from the Philippines?

GF: No look at the flower print it's from Hawaii

Me: Ah, I didn't know that belonged to a...Spacific Island

It was the end of class. Before dismissing us, he informs us that we won't be having class the next day and will instead be going to the gymnasium for an assembly. When the bell rang, as everyone was leaving class, I went to his desk and asked what the assembly was supposed to be about. His Response:

"I'm just a mushroom." ...awkward pause, stare... "I live in the dark and people drop crap on me."

I wasn't really sure how to react to that. With a confused look on my face, I just turned around and walked out the door. I'm still not sure if that was a dad joke or the musings of a bitter old man. Maybe both. I don't know, it just seems like it belongs here, if only for the sheer awkwardness of it.

Mom says goodnight and dad occupies the bathroom before she can get up the stairs. "Don't be long!" She says.

"Who are you to tell me I don't belong?!" He says through the door.

We now call that a moment of "urinspiration."

Cant give the old man credit for this one, cause this was grandmother's go-to, but it belongs here..

Any time we were in the car, and would see "Stop Ahead" painted on the road, MeMe would look at us and say, "Stop! A head! Where?!"