Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I am going to tell you a TCP joke
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
An Honest Werewolf : "What do you mean? I am not a werewolf"
A Random Seer : "Either you are lying or you are an unawerewolf"
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I'm a real big fan of cars. I guess you could say I am..
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Yes, I am Christian; no, I can't tell you more about it.
Only my wife gets to enjoy my missionary position.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
I am sure you've heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Cole's Law?
It is thinnly sliced cabbage.
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︎ Dec 21 2020
So you stopped being friends with me as I am a Trump supporter
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Mom: "Are you alright?" Me: "Yes I am...
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Daughter asked, βWhy am I named Rose?β Its because a rose landed on you shortly after you were born. My other daughter asked, β Why am I named Daisy?β It is because a daisy landed on your head after you were born.
My son asked, β Why is my name Richard?β
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My 8 years old invented this one and I am proudly sharing it with you all
Dad, do you know what an olive is?
A sick grape.
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︎ Aug 04 2020
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.
Defendant: Say-you-did-what.
Judge: What did you say?
Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.
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︎ May 07 2020
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
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︎ Apr 15 2020
John Cena: *wakes up in hospital* Where am I? Doctor:ICU John Cena: No you cant
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jul 20 2018
I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.
Iβve had a Canon printer for years.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Sep 01 2018
Let me give you my exact location. I am
π︎ 3k
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︎ Mar 28 2018
Dad I am cold.. If youβre cold, go eat your lunch in the corner. Why?
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?
Doctor: Itβs exactly what it sounds like.
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π
︎ Jun 28 2018
I am really scared of fence posts. Why you ask?
I have Post-traumatic-stress-disorder.
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︎ Mar 13 2020
I just found out I am going to be a dad so I need to be prepared. Which are the best dad jokes you know?
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︎ Jul 30 2019
Me: Sir, you canβt give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
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︎ Dec 05 2018
I'm gonna bet you 50 bucks that I am no longer addicted to gambling
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︎ Dec 01 2019
As I am checking out, I read his nametag and I ask the large black male cashier, "did your momma really name you Amanda?"
I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"
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︎ Dec 02 2019
I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
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︎ Oct 22 2019
But no living man am I! You look upon a woman.
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︎ Jan 16 2019
I asked my wife, βI am stuck with this crossword clue. Would you help?β
Her: Sure. What is it?
Me: The clue is βOverworked Postmanβ.
Her: But how many letters?
Me: Too many.
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︎ Apr 06 2019
Are you as clueless about black holes as I am?
Donβt read too much into it. Nothing good will come out of it.
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︎ Apr 01 2019
Me, as I am headed out the door: 'I'll see you later, dad.'
Dad: 'Turn around and you'll see me now!'
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︎ Jul 29 2019
Wife asks her husband "Am I the only one you've ever been with?"
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" -- to which his wife embraces him comfortably
...the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!"
Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
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︎ Oct 12 2018
My daughter today asked me if they're called sandals because when you wear them you get sand all in between your toes and I am a very proud dad at the moment.
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︎ Jun 07 2019
I came home at 3 AM. To break the tension I asked my wife "Orange you glad to see me?"
She told me to go sleep on the apri-cot.
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︎ Sep 03 2019
You said I seemed a little blue. That's funny because I am in fact turquoise.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 27 2019
I am very, very skilled at parking. I could probably park a car in any spot you think wouldn't be possible.
One could say I'm a hardcore parker.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 21 2019
I Am a pizza boy, so i guess you could say........
π︎ 179
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︎ Sep 06 2014
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
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︎ Jan 07 2019
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 26 2018
See, youβre the driver and I am the gas pedal
You depress me.
Merry Christmas!
Happy holidays!
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︎ Dec 25 2017
First you listen to me, then you eat me. What am I?
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︎ Mar 25 2018
The Great Dad Joke: So Moses is talking to God and he's all like "I don't know what to call you, I'm confused" and God is like "Hi confused, I AM".
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︎ Sep 20 2016
Need a pun about flight by tomorrow, can you guys help me out, or am I just going to have to wing it?
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︎ Feb 13 2013
This is the last time I'm telling you this: I am NOT the Invisible Man.
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︎ May 12 2017
First Dad Joke today- I stuck a beer cap to my head and said I was a magnet. My boys contested that I, in fact, am not a magnet. I said are you sure...
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︎ Jun 25 2014
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