Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"

So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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I am going to tell you a TCP joke

And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrBum80
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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An Honest Werewolf : "What do you mean? I am not a werewolf"

A Random Seer : "Either you are lying or you are an unawerewolf"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurokami_Yohane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm a real big fan of cars. I guess you could say I am..

A MotΓΆrhead.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BestWest45
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Yes, I am Christian; no, I can't tell you more about it.

Only my wife gets to enjoy my missionary position.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I am sure you've heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Cole's Law?

It is thinnly sliced cabbage.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
So you stopped being friends with me as I am a Trump supporter

Well Bi-den

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Monty0613
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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Mom: "Are you alright?" Me: "Yes I am...
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ni_ko_98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter asked, β€œWhy am I named Rose?” Its because a rose landed on you shortly after you were born. My other daughter asked, β€œ Why am I named Daisy?” It is because a daisy landed on your head after you were born.

My son asked, β€œ Why is my name Richard?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8 years old invented this one and I am proudly sharing it with you all

Dad, do you know what an olive is? A sick grape.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ppmartins
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
[In court] Judge: After seeing all the evidence, I am sending you to jail.

Defendant: Say-you-did-what.

Judge: What did you say?

Defendant: Thanks for reversing my sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"

She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
John Cena: *wakes up in hospital* Where am I? Doctor:ICU John Cena: No you cant
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meltedpickless
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
🚨︎ report
Let me give you my exact location. I am
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad I am cold.. If you’re cold, go eat your lunch in the corner. Why?

It is always 90 degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Binger
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Sir, I am sorry to say that you have onomatopoeia... Patient: What is it, doc?

Doctor: It’s exactly what it sounds like.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I am really scared of fence posts. Why you ask?

I have Post-traumatic-stress-disorder.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entrophic_Lord
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I just found out I am going to be a dad so I need to be prepared. Which are the best dad jokes you know?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xiph209
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

πŸ‘︎ 568
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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I'm gonna bet you 50 bucks that I am no longer addicted to gambling
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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As I am checking out, I read his nametag and I ask the large black male cashier, "did your momma really name you Amanda?"

I was very surprised that he responded : "Yes, because I am A Man!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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I am a wax strip because I am clingy and would make you want to pull your hair out
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1-sh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
But no living man am I! You look upon a woman.
πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OVdose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife, β€œI am stuck with this crossword clue. Would you help?”

Her: Sure. What is it?

Me: The clue is β€œOverworked Postman”.

Her: But how many letters?

Me: Too many.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Are you as clueless about black holes as I am?

Don’t read too much into it. Nothing good will come out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trumpian_Era
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Me, as I am headed out the door: 'I'll see you later, dad.'

Dad: 'Turn around and you'll see me now!'

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zptd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife asks her husband "Am I the only one you've ever been with?"

The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" -- to which his wife embraces him comfortably

...the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!"

Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imOVN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter today asked me if they're called sandals because when you wear them you get sand all in between your toes and I am a very proud dad at the moment.
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackIs01
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I came home at 3 AM. To break the tension I asked my wife "Orange you glad to see me?"

She told me to go sleep on the apri-cot.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/K941GE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
You said I seemed a little blue. That's funny because I am in fact turquoise.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I am very, very skilled at parking. I could probably park a car in any spot you think wouldn't be possible.

One could say I'm a hardcore parker.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PooterContributor
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I Am a pizza boy, so i guess you could say........

OP delivers.

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/switchedflip
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
🚨︎ report
The Grim Reaper went to collect a soul. Upon arriving he says to the unfortunate man: "Your time has come, prepare to leave the land of the living and follow me to the gates of heaven. Now come and don't hesitate, for I am unforgiving. Or else you will wander in the shadow realm for eternity!

Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"

"Yes you are"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sint__Maarten
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brookscorbs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
See, you’re the driver and I am the gas pedal

You depress me.

Merry Christmas!

Happy holidays!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Misterc006
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
First you listen to me, then you eat me. What am I?

Ham radio.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KineticIsEpic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
🚨︎ report
The Great Dad Joke: So Moses is talking to God and he's all like "I don't know what to call you, I'm confused" and God is like "Hi confused, I AM".
πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Need a pun about flight by tomorrow, can you guys help me out, or am I just going to have to wing it?
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Intelligenttrees
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2013
🚨︎ report
This is the last time I'm telling you this: I am NOT the Invisible Man.

Did I make myself clear?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
🚨︎ report
First Dad Joke today- I stuck a beer cap to my head and said I was a magnet. My boys contested that I, in fact, am not a magnet. I said are you sure...

I am very attractive...

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidRitz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
🚨︎ report

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