I've offered my elderly neighbour $20 to try out her stair lift.
I think she's going to take me up on it.
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
I found a $20 bill in the parking lot of the grocery store. I asked myself, what would Jesus do?
So I turned it into wine.
I've lost 20% of my sight
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf...
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
19 and 20 fought yesterday. I was rooting for 19, but alas...
Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's
She said that I wasn't wired for it.....
I went on a 20 mile hike the other day
It was a soul-crushing experience.
I bought 20 guillotines because there was a great deal
I don’t know why I thought it’d be a good idea. I lost my head when buying them
I've gained almost 20 pounds since the quarantine...
I'm not a dad yet, but I'm practicing for when I am (should be in about 20 years)
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
I've lost 20% of my couch...
I sold my washing machine last week because i had a $20 bill in my last wash
I didnt want to be caught money laundering
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
I bought a brand-new top-of-the-line string trimmer of a guy on craigslist for only $20
I don’t know about yesterday’s 4/20,
but I know today’s 4/21 because it’s sober and clear headed.
I celebrated 4/20 by filing my taxes
I’ve been solving derivatives everyday, for a week and I haven’t been able to do more than 20 a day.
told my wife i couldn't carry 20 liters of fuel
and she told me she knew someone who could, so I asked who
she said: jerrycan
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
My girlfriend said she slept with 5 people before we met. I wouldn't mind but I was only 20 minutes late.
My wife and i were happy for 20 years
I was driving and saw an older man going 20 in a 60 zone.
My wife said, "Everybody is going to be passing him" I chimed in, "Not if he passes first."
"Hey, I bought a Prince CD for just under 20 dollars."
"Lets party like its $19.99!"
Happy North Americans: I lost 20 pounds
Sad Brittish people: I lost 20 pounds
I made a 20/20 vision joke and I'm ashamed
I started with a personal trainer today. She told me to drop and give her 20.
Sheesh, I didn’t know there was going to be hidden fees.
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
I've been asked out by 20 women today...
I was in the ladies bathroom.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlike the rest of you morons [xpost /r/trees]
This joke caters to the lowest common denominator.
I've got £20 here with your name on it!
http://imgur.com/gallery/u9373nJ
I am a 40 years old with the body of a 20 years old.
Any idea on how to bury it?
The doc gave me 6 months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years
I just bought a replacement tire for 20 bucks more than I had paid for the old one which had gone flat.
I regret not getting the 20 oz porterhouse at the restaurant
It was a big missed steak
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight …
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight.
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight
Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight
I just lost 20% of my couch
Sadly, I've lost 20% my sight.
I once paid $20 to meet Prince
But I partied like it was $19.99
One night I paid $20 to see Prince.
But I partied like it was $19.99.
I just lost 20% of my couch.
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