I've Missed You Puns

Rowan Atkinson is travelling through mexico , decides to have lunch at a local restaurant. He orders a burrito . when full Rowan still has a little bit of food left on his plate , he takes his plate up to the waitress and says "that is the nicest burrito I've ever had, thank you" The waitress points at Tthe left over food and says " but you missed a bean"

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

"Have you seen him? He's a tall Pakistani guy. Can't miss him." "No, sorry man." "Bummer... Yeah I've gotta catch Amal."

My fiance nearly threw her engagement ring at me for that one.

I walk into the office after two weeks of vacation, and my boss is reading a book.

Me: "Good morning, brother."

Him: "Hey, hey."

Me: "I missed you man, how you been?"

Him: "I've been right here, you need to aim better. -Flips page- ...But I've been good."

EDIT: Formatting.

I was at the grocery store with my teenage brother and when we went through the produce aisle he turned to me and said " Something about this aisle makes me feel like a guy who's been in a coma for the last 20 years trying to figure out the slang he missed" " What?" You know, because that's some rad ish" I've never been prouder.

I've moved to London 2 years ago and he is still in Maryland. This was our google chat exchange just now:

Friend: Some days I miss you more than others. Today is one of those days :(

Me: awwwww... i miss you 100% every day

Friend: Is your aim that bad?

My father is working in China at the moment so mum often skypes with him. However, I hadn't talked to him for a couple of months before tonight. So I sat down and said, 'hello dad, I've missed you!' and he said, 'well then, you'll have to improve your aim.'

Typical.

The kids were setting up a game that was missing some pieces, marbles as it happened. So they asked, "Dad, do you have any marbles?"

"Nope, I've lost mine."

At least my wife appreciated it....

I was talking to a friend, and I said I'd be missing school.

HIM: Why are you missing school?

ME: I've got to talk with a doctor before my knee surgery

HIM: you're getting surgery? where?

ME: On my knee!

I then laughed so hard I almost cried while he got pissed.

We were on a day trip with our toddlers, and they were being pretty cranky.
I said "Look guys, you just need to make it until the tasting room opens, then Mommy and Daddy will be much happier"
Without missing a beat, she says "I don't know, I've had enough whine this morning"