I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.
I guess it's worth a shot.
My son never does his laundry so one day I got fed up and told him "If you don't start cleaning your clothes I'm going to leave you all my dirty clothes in my will!"
Sorry, just had to heir my dirty laundry
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is corrupted.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’re going to have to remove your colon.
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage, son.
You'll need something to play with.
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
A police officer says to a couple: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire".
They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!
"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
I'm sorry but you can't ride your pony today it has a throat infection.
"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
I'm developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
Her: Are you finally done with all your embroidery puns? I’m sick of it!
Waiter: I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
Cop: "I'm sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
Dad: "Yeah, but she has a great personality."
I’m writing a book about a guy who sells shoe parts to satan. It’s your basic “Sold my sole to the devil” novel.
“Would you like your tires rotated sir?” Dad: “I’m pretty sure they rotate when I drive buddy, haha.”
Son: Dad, what’s your favorite rock group? Dad: If I’m being subjective, I’d say The Who.
But if I’m being objective, I’d say The Whom.
My financial advisor just told me, “I’m sorry to say, but all of your assets are Frozen.”
..”Why did you buy so many DVDs of the same movie?”
I’m tired of seeing “Hey OP, I slept with your mom last night!” every time I post something on Reddit.
I shouldn’t have told my dad what my username was.
The doctor looked at me with a concerned look on his face and rasped, "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards."
Waiter: your soup Me: no I'm not
Divorce lawyer: I’m sorry to say, but all of your husband’s assets are Frozen.
Wife: How?
Lawyer: I’m not sure, but he has 2000 DVDs of the movie for some reason.
I'm not worth, give your upvotes to this man instead.
SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."
The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"
WAITRESS: Hi I’m Jenny I’ll be your waitress today
ME: Hi we’re the Millers and we’ll be your customers today.
I’m making an app to find qualified electricians in your area
I’m sorry didn’t mean to push your buttons.
I was just looking for Mute.
I’m trying to smoke and ask Erik for a light: “When you take a cigarette out of your pack, it becomes a cigarette lighter.”
Husband: "I think I'm having a heart attack." Wife: "Ok darling, give me your password to your phone and I'll call an ambulance."
Husband: "Never mind. I'm feeling better!"
Doctor: I'm sorry but we have to remove half of your colon
[At the restaurant] Her: I want to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but I had to remove a section of your colon.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
Dr: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards....
Dr: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend’s been hit by a truck”
Man: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality”
[At the restaurant] Her: This isn’t working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
Dr: “Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards”
Doctor: I'm afraid your DNA is backwards, sir.
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