Two horses in a field, one says to the other “I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse’
I'm trying to make herb roasted chicken for dinner and just ran out of one of the ingredients...
I don't have thyme for this
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I'm sorry, but I'm extremely proud of this one, and nobody in the chat found it funny =(
I'm holding a 17th Century Party, and all the Enlightenment thinkers can swing by - except one.
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
I'm tired of the bye-lingual pun. Why aren't there any try-lingual ones?
I'm so annoyed, one of my favorite socks got a hole worn through the toe.
My family always say I'm the stubborn one,
But I refuse to believe it.
I feel like I'm gonna choke a person one of these days by joking at the dinner table
And then get jailed for 12 months just for a man's laughter.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes.... all the other guys were nines or tens”
I'm a big fan of the one night stand
Two just make my bedroom look cluttered
I'm a primary school teacher and one of my kids got me in the lols with this one today... what's a witch's favorite subject?
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
I really hate vacuuming the stairs but I'm taking it one step at a time
Cocaine is no joke I'm at the end of the line on this one
Every time I draw a pun I think "Thats it, the dumbest one, yet." I'm always right.
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,
and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."
I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles...
I ponted at him and shouted "he can't be here, he's a miner!" My friend acctually covered his face in shame.
I took Uber yesterday. The driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. No one tells me what to do.”
I said, “Please turn left.”
Two coats hung next to eachother at a Burlington coat factory. One said to the other, "Can you beleive I'm 100% polyester?"
The other said, "I could be suede."
My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.
Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.
A couple of fruits were talking, one said “Let’s run away and get married!” The other said “I’m sorry...”
Here's one I made up on the spot today that I'm proud of.
So we were at the mint and I was asked 'do we need to pay for parking here?'
I said: don't they make enough money here?
On the one hand I'm kind of lazy,
A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, “What are you doing climbing my tree?” “Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears.” says the elephant.
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.
So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.
The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.
I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"
Doctor says "Of course."
I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."
The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"
I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."
I ordered a curry the other day from a takeaway, that I'm usually rude to, when only one of items was delivered...
I thought to myself that's just korma.
I'm always the last one eating at the Chinese buffet
Please tell me I'm not the only one who's thought of a Haramberger.
Just hit my girlfriend with this one. Not even a dad but I'm preparing myself for the day.
My girlfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. I put my head on her chest.
ME: Your boobs make good pillows.
HER: Yea they are pretty soft.
ME: Are they made of mammary-foam?
She paused for a moment before groaning and eventually giving it a good chuckle. So proud.
One of the main reasons I'm sleeping on an air mattress nowadays
What did one piece of wood say to the other? I'm bored.
My friend just became a dad, but I'm the one who got him.
Me: Did you guys have your baby yet?
Him: Not yet, almost. She is 9cm.
Me: Wow, that's a small baby...
Him: ..... No, 9cm dilated
After three years this is still the one joke I'm the most proud of. I got my friend with this one on our road trip to our vacation in Italy.
So this was in the summer of 2011 and at the time this song was a big hit: Medina - You and I. The important part here is the chorus, starting at 0:44.
So in the middle of the song I ask my friend "Do you know what kind of car this singer drives?"
"No idea", she said. To which I replied "A hyu-n-dai."
She almost threw me out of the car.
I'm the only one not eating the homemade Guacamole
Super Bowl party. Lots of snacks. My daughter made guacamole, and everyone loves it ... Except me.
I'm not really a Guac kind of guy. It's not in my DNA. "But it is in my RNA."
Head scratching and groans.
so, I dad joked the lab today...I'm pretty proud of this one, too.
we were at a burger place for a going away party, and the restaurant cooked the burgers to various temps, depending on how we wanted them cooked.
one guy asked another "how was the burger? was it too rare?"
I cut in and said "nah, he found it."
table: groans
So my pregnant fiancé got me. I'm supposed to be the one dad joking!
She was a little bitter because I had a cocktail and she can't because she's pregnant. She asked me what it was.
Me: "It's bourbon, ginger beer and lime. It's called a Kentucky Mule."
Her: "Does it taste like ASS?!?!?"
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