A young boy and an old man are walking through the woods at night. The boy tells the man: "I'm scared. It's really dark and spooky out here."
The old man replies, "YOU'RE scared?! I'm the one that has to walk back alone!"
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
I’m Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon.
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world.
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"
I’m representing a man in court today charged with tippexing all the full stops out of books.
I’m expecting a long sentence
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I'm tired of the men taking over everything. Like..why we call Iron Man, Iron Man?
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
I had breakfast at The Mesa Grill and got food poisoning. My lawyer said that I had a good case, but I'm a man.
I just didn't wanna sue Flay.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Nine... eight… seven...”
It’s a bit disappointing that the Ant Man defeating Thanos theory won’t happen. After all, I’m sure the strategy would have...
I'm not so sure about the name Iron Man
I would like him better as Fe Male
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."
The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"
I'm going to get a job as a valet attendant, come dressed up as Spider-Man, and introduce myself as "Peter the Parker"
I'm organising a funeral for the world's fattest man
I'm in hospital and a man just told his elderly mum to use the rail, because its HANDy.. dad jokes on his own mother
Wife and I are at my son’s yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand master’s name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, he’s not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks I’m damaged in some way.
I'm firing the man who looks after my allotment on mental health grounds
I gave up Quarter Pounders and now I’m half the man I used to be.
While at Weinerschnitzel a young man who was clearly stoned stepped behind me in line. She wore a shirt that read "I'm just saying you've never seen me and Batman in the same room before."
Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless
I lent money to a blind man the other day, bug now I’m a bit worried
He said he’ll pay me back when he sees me again
This is the last time I'm telling you this: I am NOT the Invisible Man.
I'm reminded of the man who rode a bike, made from scavenged trash, to work every day
A man orders an egg sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the man looks at it suspiciously. He asks for the chef to come see him. The chef walks up and says "Is there a problem?" The man replies back "I'm sorry, but this egg looks retarded." So the chef says...
"I've never had an accident and I never will," said Tom recklessly.
.
"And then the man took off his shoes to prove he had 11 toes, and I lost the bet," Tom recounted.
.
"Yes, I'm starting a legal business," Tom affirmed.
.
More in /R/TomSwifties
reddit.com/r/TomSwifties
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
Hi I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world...
A man came to the doctor and said "you have to help me I'm shrinking", the doctor turned to him and said "I'm sorry you'll have to be a little patient"
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I'm looking for the man who shot my paw
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