I'm a real big fan of cars. I guess you could say I am..

A MotΓΆrhead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BestWest45
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I’m a real social guy, I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don’t know Y

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElemesUK
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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I'm a real motherfucker.

But just call me "Dad" for short.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolymerPussies
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a β€œphone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it β€œPhone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnieloo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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My son told me I’m a real smart cookie

I think I’m more of a wise cracker.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imnotsaltyboi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

πŸ‘︎ 660
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
β€œI’m going to jump in the shower real quick.”

β€œYou shouldn’t jump in the shower. Just stand there and let the water run over you.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isaac44x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2018
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I'm asking you a real question right now. twitter.com/sorjak/status…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sorjak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
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I'm gonna go jump in the shower real quick.

Sounds dangerous but I trust you. Please be careful.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmoreclever
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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I'm still not real fond of it

My wife insisted I grow a goatee to which I reluctantly agreed. She asked me how I felt about it today

Her: So you getting used to your new look yet?

Me: Well it's obviously grown on me

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoosierdaddy_812
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
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"I'm gonna go run to the store real quick, need anything?"

'Nope, but it'll probably be easier if you drive. Won't have to carry all those bags.'

Well played, Grandpa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techmeister
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2014
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I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".

" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnusfeli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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My wife was a little puzzled when I suddenly bought some new beads for her abacus. Smiling, I said to her...

"Honey, it’s the little things that count!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Po1sonator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran.

Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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What do you call the boss at Old McDonald's Farm ?

The CIEIO

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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No escape from reality
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Aah the outdoors.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trooper_97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

Only a fraction of you will understand that

Edit: I see this joke has been quite divisive! Thank you to everyone who made this joke a thousand times better in the comments, you're all amazing, and thank you for the awards!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoenixFlamebird
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?

Teapot.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!"

DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleeteater
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzohn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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Pun name help?

Hey! I'm currently writing a novel. And I'm liking for a pun name based on a word that would suggest them not being real. Please don't give me the actual name. Please give me a word I can work with

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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My boss told me as a security guard its my job to watch the office.

I am on season 6 so far, but not sure what it has got to do with security.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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When does a joke become a dad-joke?

When it's apparent

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enkolainen
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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The last 4 letters of β€œqueue” aren’t silent

They’re waiting for their turn

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_m_bm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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My dad didn't laugh so hopefully you'll enjoy.

Chatting on the phone with my dad while he was at work.

Dad "I've got a light on my helmet so I look like a miner"

Me "No, I would say you look about 40"

Not even a chuckle from him πŸ˜’

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T1TZILLA1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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Right after being born, my newborn daughter wouldn't "latch" for her first feeding. So after 27-plus hours of labor and four hours of pushing, I looked at my poor, exhausted wife and said, "Looks like she's... resisting abreast."

My first official dad joke.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger! I’ll be putting this in my little one’s Reddit Scholarship Fund!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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If a soda company wants to release a new flavour

they can

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Santak1ng
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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Raising the bar with every comment.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DBrownGames
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillowyWave5228
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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My 77 year old dad said this last night

So we were out celebrating my dad’s birthday last night. I said, β€œYou and Mom are healthy and look good for your age. I wish I had your genes!” (I’m adopted.) Without missing a beat, Dad said, β€œYou can have mine if you want, I can barely fit in them anymore!”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/droppedwhat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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My wife told me, β€œ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”

β€œYou’re much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Just had about a dozen crows land in a tree near me

I'm getting real sick of this Corvid pandemic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartansATTACK
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Just so everybody's clear,

I'm going to put my glasses on.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cancervixen831
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that's the last thing I need.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brookscorbs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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Fizz-ics
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chh147
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?

Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AciTroniX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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How do you annoy a /r/dadjokes subscriber?

[deleted]

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Now that’s just PEThetic
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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