... then add 24 carrots
I was watching TV with my hispanic girlfriend and on the show we were watching a guy gave a girl a danish (little pastry with fruit). My girlfriend said that while it looked pretty tasty and good, she's not much of a Danish person and I said, "Well, probably because you're hispanic.."
I immediately texted my dad the joke as well.
I really want to have a daughter and name her Zelda.
I imagine, as she gets older she will spend all her time writing sick poetry and rhymes in her journal, growing her hair down to her back, not to spite me, but so she can donate it later, and expand her wit by studying improv comedy through highschool.
As she becomes famous, I hope she will invite me to one of her rap battles and put me in the front row. My heart will grow as she takes the stage, but fatherly intuition tells me something is wrong...Zelda is frozen at the microphone.
I see her up on the stage, eyes alight with fright, hair pulled tight into a bun. She and I lock eyes, a moment of silence passes and serenity slowly enters...THIS is the moment we have been waiting for all our lives.
Looking up calmly, I couldn't be more proud as I exclaim, "Rap puns, Zel. Rap puns, Zel! Let down your hair!"
This is going to make a killing
Times New Ramen
To stop procrastinating.
My mother-in-law and father-in-law are named Mary and Jeff. As we left their house last night on Christmas Eve, I hugged my mother-in-law and said "Merry Christmas", then hugged my father-in-law and said "Jeff Christmas".
My SO and I just started trying to have a baby. When I walked in from work yesterday she looked at me and said, "TheClemmer, I'm pregnant!" to which I smiled and replied "Hi pregnant, I'm Dad!"
Whilst making a roast dinner, a friend asked me whether we should time the potatoes. I told her it wasn't a race.
I'm prepeared.
I really gotta get my act together.
I was born ready.
So my girlfriend has to write a presentation about the effects of intense pressure from parents (forced religion etc.) on children. The conversation went like this.
Her- "What do I title this?"
Me- "What about 'Peer-ent Pressure'?"
Groans were had.
Scene: Wife and I have just come from her 12 week ultrasound where the baby was moving and rolling all over the place. Passed by our local cafe to grab a 1kg (2.2lb) bag of coffee beans.
Walking down the street cradling my coffee like a baby. Say to my wife "check out my baby." She replies "yeah but mine is so much more active." I say " no, mine's full of beans."
We laughed our way back to the car.
Me during an unrelated conversation: Oh you don't even fucking know Friend: whoa, language! Me: I'm speaking English... but excuse my French.
I work at a summer camp where my ongoing joke is instead of doing activities we are going to real, eat vegetables and do math. one kid did not find it funny and asked why:
kid: why do we have to do math? Do you ever use it during summer?
me: sum times.
I repeated it with emphasis on both words for a bout a minute or so until his eyes rolled.
So I'm currently watching all 6 star wars movies to prep myself for the new one coming out.
I just now finished watching Attack of the Clones. At the part where C3PO has his head attached to the battle droid, abs R2D2 removes it and starts dragging his head on the ground, 3PO says "this is such a drag"
Now as long as I can remember I've always HATED that line. I saw the movie for the first time in theaters when I was 16 years old and thought that little joke was the absolute dumbest and pointless part of the entire movie.
Now 13 years later I watched it again and when he said that line I just found myself laughing at it like it was actually really funny. I recognized that cringe in it but all kept laughing for like two minutes at it.
Does this mean I need to find someone to impregnate immediately?
Same thing goes with most dad jokes. Especially puns. Always hated them but have really been enjoying the posts on this sub lately.
4 friends and I were having dinner today. A Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist and Hindu all literally walked into a bar today and I couldn't think of a single goddamn punchline!
I was going to the store with my brother to buy some thread.
Him: "why are we going to the store?"
Me: "I need some thread. Only thread though. No thblue or thgreen".
He said he got a headache from that.
Dad: I found a nice Harley, but they've swapped the motor out for some other brand Me: What do they call that, a Hardly Davidson? Dad: groan
I was just watching a news story about a truck of butter bursting to flames on a highway. The news reporter said that the driver and passenger got awat from the accident.
I turned to my grandmother and said "I guess you can say they slipped away."
Just had this transaction with my wife over iMessage/Text.
http://i.imgur.com/0giAtw1.png
Something fell off the bed and I was curious what it was.
Me: What was that? Wife: Ugh I kneed my phone off of the bed. Me: Why do you need your phone off of the bed?
http://i.imgur.com/tOn5tkP.jpg
From a group chat with my friends.
I'm a part time clerk/grunt worker at my local supermarket. My shift consists of stacking up milk, butter, eggs, cream, anything that comes from an udder. So, to make my existence seem less monotonous, I'll often badger my coworkers with horrid puns. One day,one of them offered me these kind words of encouragement: "If you don't shut up, I'll shove my foot down your throat." My rebuttal: "Is that what people call sole food?"
She was getting out the canning set to make some jams
me: honey, this is the canning set, you can't jam with this
her: what? why?
while grabbing my guitar you jam with this!
I've never seen her roll her eyes that much
I wear lots of sarongs and after a big night i put one one and made breakfast for everyone in the house
Friend - you always wear a sarong, its hilarious
Me - whats sarong with that ?
I was talking with a mate yesterday about vegetarianism, I said "I could never be a vegetarian, I like meat too much"
To which he responded "You can always use a meat substitute"
"Yeah" I replied "But wouldn't that just be cutting Quorners?"
GF sister: Have you ever seen a Roman horse? They are so weird looking
GF: What's a Roman horse?
Me: The ones walking around the pasture
