Theoretical Fizz-ics
My face may be a six, but my asinine
The box said 2-4 years.
We live in A flat.
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Or is it a low ha (Aloha)
Talking to my 3 year old son the other day:
Me: Do you know your letters?
Son: Yes
Me: Can you say the alphabet?
Son: The alphabet
My wife and I were cracking up.
Son: What is cottage cheese? Me: Cheese you eat in a cottage. Wife: When curds and whey separate. Daughter: This is the way!
So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: “Jeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded 💀
She’s going to the infantry.
The catapult worked well
Her: What is this little USB thing? Is this a juul charger?
Me: No, I think it’s an adapter for the Steam controller.
Her: Well, a juul is kind of like a steam controller.
I was out grocery shopping yesterday and was looking at wines. The lady next to me grabbed a bottle but knocked another bottle to the floor. It broke and red wine went everywhere. I said the first thing that came to mind...
"Caught you red handed".
She looked and me and started laughing. One of my proudest moments.
..that I've been dry for the last four years.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
Sea son's greetings.
I went to the grocery store, and the change was $5.02, so on my ride home, I perfected the ultimate plan for a dad who loves dad jokes...
Me: Oh, here's the change *hands 5.00 bill*
Dad: You can set the groceries on the counter
Me: Oh by the way, do you want my two cents on the groceries?
Dad: *confused look* o...kay?
Me: *hands receipt and two pennies*
It took a minute for him to realize but everyone got a good laugh out of it.
I was volunteering today at a vegan grill event for an animal rights group. After only an hour we barely had any grilling to do as there weren't any guests.
Me: This doesn't feel like I'm at a workplace at all, it's actually quite chill. But then again, it's a low stakes environment.
Everyone else: Crickets and blank stares
He went to the kitchen and discovered there was stewtonite.
I tip him occasionally when he hails cabs for me.
After all, this is MONSTER JAM!
I replaced the head once,and the handle twice, but it feels good to own a piece of American history.
Student: "Why is it so bad to have a pie thrown in your face in math class?"
Me: "Why?"
Student: "Because it never ends."
Props to him.
Player.
A female friend of mine was talking about her new haircut and complaining that her stylist cut it too short for her liking.
Without so much as thinking out popped "Don't worry it will grow on you"....Nudge nudge wink
She decided that she's done talking to me for the day.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
