Me to my son, driving in the car: "you know I'm on crack, right?"
"I'm sitting on my butt crack ya know."
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
I guess people think I'm deaf, because I was reading the lyrics to Walk on the Wild Side out loud and some asked, "You read??" I said...
No, Lou Reed.
A police officer says to a couple: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire".
They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!
I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.
I guess it's worth a shot.
My professor wrote on his syllabus "If anyone asks me how I'm doing, my answer will always be 'I am great, how are you?'"
So when we ask him how he's doing, his answer is "It's on the syllabus".
I'm not saying my brother is stupid, but he just asked me this: "If you were stuck on a desert island alone..."
"...would you eat another person to survive?"
I'm going to share with you the greatest secret for always being on time
Just WATCH
Watching bears fish for salmon in Alaska live on YouTube when my GF asks what I'm watching.
"A live stream."
Are you eggcited for the yolking around, but because it's my first post here, I'm walking on eggshells about posting this, I just hope it says up because the title is eggstremely long.
I switched the M and the N keys on my son's keyboard. You could say I'm a monster, but he says I'm a nomster.
I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
Me: "Son, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but your grandma slipped and fell on a banana peel. She's pretty banged up"
She got a banana Nana boo boo.
I'm really counting on you to hold me up.
Don't let me down.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
