My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thebikerdad
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 06 2020
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A therapist was with a client when another client burst in and said, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep having a nightmare that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards."

The therapist looked at him calmly and said, "I'm with another client. I'll deal with you later."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jfshay
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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I ran into Luke Combs today and I was talking to him about when I caught a 10 lb bass. He said Iโ€™m kinda in a hurry, nice to meet you tho.

So I told him it might not mean much to you but it does to me.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheProtecter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 04 2020
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I told my daughter, โ€œMom keeps asking me if Iโ€™m an Alice in Wonderland character and itโ€™s getting really annoying!โ€ She asked, โ€œAre you mad at her?โ€

โ€œGeez! Donโ€™t you start too!โ€ I screamed.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 174
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 05 2020
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In honor of my father for Fatherโ€™s Day, Iโ€™m going to tack you back to the 1990โ€™s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.

Me: Daddy Iโ€™m thirsty!

My dad: Hi thirsty Iโ€™m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.

Iโ€™m sure itโ€™s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kayl6
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 17 2020
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A patient bursts into his therapist's office and shouts, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming that I'm trapped in a deck of cards!"

The therapist turns from his current patient and says, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 77
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jfshay
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 09 2020
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A man in an interrogation room says, โ€œIโ€™m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereโ€™s my present?!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 37
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 26 2020
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An old woman goes to see the doctor. "I'm very gassy, but fortunately my farts are quiet and don't smell. In fact, I've farted three times since you came in, but know you haven't noticed at all."

The doc nods his head, gives her some pills and tells her to come back in a week.

A week later, the old woman comes back and is very upset. "I'm still very gassy, but now my farts are really loud and smell like a porta-potty at a chili festival!"

The doc says "Well now that we've cleared up your hearing and sense of smell, we can do something about your gas!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/notagoodspelller
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 16 2020
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Iโ€™m going to need you to come in this weekend
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/originalripley
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 27 2020
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Dad, you have to talk normal and stop speaking in single letters. Canโ€™t you see Iโ€™m going crazy?!

O I C U R

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/shimmywaffles
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 18 2020
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Iโ€™ve started growing herbs in my garden. To help identify them iโ€™m growing them in alphabetical order. My neighbour asked me, how you find the time. I said, easy, itโ€™s right here next to the sage.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 284
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mcleodpirate
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 15 2019
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Iโ€™m looking for punny popsicle names. Iโ€™d like them to be a play on actual names like Pop Ross, Mary Pop-pins, Pop Seger, Albert Ice-stein, Freezy F Baby, David Pop-perfield, and Iggy Pop. Iโ€™m particularly interested in playing upon the names of historical female figures. Help please and thank you!
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/polkadotmcgot
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 18 2019
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Iโ€™m sorry sir but you canโ€™t park in this space.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ldcroberts
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 11 2018
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me askingโ€ฆ" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Wellโ€ฆ" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 29 2019
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I received this joke in the mail and now I'm sending it out to you guys.

It's a repost.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kuroha_zone
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 08 2019
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My hair flowed down my back when I was in my 20โ€™s and Iโ€™m not bragging when I tell you it still does

Because it starts from below my collar now

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Irv-Elephant
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 12 2019
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I think I'm in love with you cuz
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/hello-social-media
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 30 2019
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I would tell you a joke about veins, but I'm afraid it would be in vain.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/NeekleNKL
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 25 2019
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You bet I'm good in bed

I can sleep for days

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Burningfloppytacos
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 19 2019
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Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.

You are the only people who really know me inside out.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/kenef
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 17 2019
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A squirrel is living in a pine tree, when one day, he feels it shaking, looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel shrieks, โ€œWhat are you doing climbing my tree?โ€ โ€œWell, Iโ€™m coming up here to eat some pears.โ€ says the elephant.

โ€œYou idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!โ€

โ€œWell I brought my own pears.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Dec 23 2018
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A woman goes up to her boyfriend and says "honey, I have some bad news for you. I'm pregnant". He looks her with tears of joy and pride in his eyes and says ...

"Hi pregnant, I'm dad"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thezekroman
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 25 2019
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A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/goodboyBill
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 23 2015
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A patient bursts into a doctorโ€™s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." short-funny.com/best-punsโ€ฆ
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 15
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/moses10960
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 10 2017
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Iโ€™m in quite the pickle, you guys..

How do I solve this dill-emma?

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sothg
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 16 2018
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I've said a lot of things I'm not proud of in my time, but there's one thing you'll *never* hear me say:
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/trsrogue
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 14 2019
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To the kids while I'm in the kitchen: "Hey, do you want to see something cool?!"

Them: Yes!

Look, it's the fridge!

Whole family: groan

...My work here is done.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/offendernz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 21 2018
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While at Weinerschnitzel a young man who was clearly stoned stepped behind me in line. She wore a shirt that read "I'm just saying you've never seen me and Batman in the same room before."

Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/PaxPaw
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 29 2018
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Iโ€™m okay if you measure things in kilograms or in pounds.

Either weigh is fine.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 01 2018
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โ€œHey son, can you hurry it up in the bathroom? Iโ€™m Little Drummer Boy-ingโ€

โ€œIโ€™ve gotta take a dump-a dump dump!โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/thegreatjamoco
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 15 2018
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I found a line of coke in the bathroom! (I'm a dad, can you tell?)
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 200
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/rockoswald
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 25 2013
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A man in an interrogation room says, โ€œIโ€™m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So whereโ€™s my present?!"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12k
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 09 2019
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I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"

I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 23 2019
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