My school bully told me I’m bad at come-backs. So I told them that
that- uhhh... that they- they’re- uhhh- stup- I mean- uhm...
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!” I shot back...
After getting back from the beach, my daughter said, “Hey, look! I’m tan from the sun!”
I shook her hand. “It’s very nice to meet you! I’m Dad from Earth.”
I'm allergic to sesame seeds, so back in Year 3 at primary school, people would tell this joke:
What show is Dec allergic to?
Sesame Street!
I'm 6 foot 6 inches (~196cm) and I recently found the cause for my back problems.
Almost everyone looks up to me. Being a role model to that many people is a lot of weight for one to carry on their shoulders.
I didn't put my watch back this weekend, so I'm living in the future.
If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.
I broke my back in a car accident and I'm looking for a pun for my grad cap
So yeah I got into a car accident during college and I wanted to commemorate that on my grad cap. My mom won't let me put my mri, "you should put something positive on your cap, not something negative" so yeah a back pun is the next best thing I could think of putting on there.
"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
In honor of my father for Father’s Day, I’m going to tack you back to the 1990’s. This is rural southern America please read in southern accent.
Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
I'm a sea captain, my crew was goofing off at the back of the ship...
... I had to give them a stern warning.
Guy 1: "If my boss doesn't take back what he said to me, I'm leaving the company." Guy 2: "What did he say?"
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
I'm exhausted. Just got back from the hospital
My girlfriend was really sick and the doctors said she urgently needed a blood transfusion. They asked me what her blood type was, but I had no idea. I frantically tracked my brain, trying to remember if she'd told me. She must have sensed my panic, because she looked up at me and with her final breath said, "Be positive. Be positive" She's right, though I will miss her.
I’m back, what did I miss?
I was just brought back to life and I'm already hard
Student (after being absent): I'm back. Do I have any make-up work?
Teacher: Yeah, go home and practice your mascara.
If you can guess how many apples I'm holding behind my back, I'll give you them both.
My hair flowed down my back when I was in my 20’s and I’m not bragging when I tell you it still does
Because it starts from below my collar now
A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
I just told my dad I’m going to take a shower, he says “don’t forget to put it back when you’re done.”
I haven’t showered in so long I’m starting to grow mushrooms on my back
Didn’t realise it would make me this much of a fun guy
"I'm going to the store to get some cigarettes, I'll be right back"
At work my boss said something that offended me. And when he wouldn't retract it, I walked out and I'm never going back, I'm through with that place. You know what he told me !!!
My son said, 'I'm going to text my girlfriend back.'
I said, 'Why on earth is your girlfriend called Back?'
I'm back. And I have grate puns!
I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.
I phoned in sick to work for the 5th time this week to tell them I'm flat out on my back.
They told me to stop lying.
I'm a little low on money at the moment to buy Injustice 2. I plan on trading games back to GameStop even though I will get next to nothing for it. I'll even trade in my original Injustice game for it...
that's what I call poetic injustice.
My dad: Hello, I'm back!
My brother: Hello
Dad: Hello, front
Bro: what
Dad: I'm back so u must be front!
silence
I'm sure that we can all agree that a horse's back is a good thing to ride on.
A crocodile's back, on the other hand, really isn't a good thing to ride on.
But an elephant's back? Well... that's a grey area.
My dad and I will say this back and forth to each other almost one a week when I’m home, mainly because it’s hilarious seeing my mom confused.
Me: something shitty that happened
Dad: “well, if it makes you feel any better...”
Me: “thanks, Dad”
Mom: “but he didn’t say anything!”
I'm a relatively new dad. My 2 year old daughter was eating a banana in the car. From the back seat, she started to hand me sections of the banana peel when I blurted this out:
"Don't do that, you'll hurt his peelings!"
My MTB group passed a lone rider, I was in back, so I told him "I'm last".
"Hi Last, I'm Alone!"
Almost crashed...
My wife grabbed my butt this morning as she went out the door announcing, "I'll be back, I'm going to check the mail."
"I think you already did!" I replied.
Does it count if my little kids didn't get it?
A man orders an egg sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the man looks at it suspiciously. He asks for the chef to come see him. The chef walks up and says "Is there a problem?" The man replies back "I'm sorry, but this egg looks retarded." So the chef says...
So I'm driving my car with my Dad and Grandpa in the back.
There was no food in my car...
>Dad: It smells like Doritos back here.
>Grandpa: You want one?
I'm flying to Oregon tomorrow, and my dad asked me to bring him back something.
He said, "Can you bring me back one of those folded paper ducks? I think it's called Origoni."
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