I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
A man bursts into his therapist's office and yells, "Doc, you gotta help me! I keep dreaming that I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looks up from his paperwork, looks at the man, and says, "I'm busy at the moment, so I'll deal with you later."
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."
I'm getting to be a typical old man. My kid brings her friends around and log on with their phones.
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
Man goes to his psychiatrist and says, "I keep thinking I'm a French pair of shoes."
Psychiatrist says, "What makes you chasseur?"
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
A friend of mine just said to me “I’m training to be garbage man”
I said “You don’t need training for that! You just pick it up as you go along”
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"
I’m representing a man in court today charged with tippexing all the full stops out of books.
I’m expecting a long sentence
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I'm going to be a Renaissance man ...
"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
A man walks into Apple and says “Hi, I’m after an iPhone 11”
The assistant says “Ok I’ll serve the iPhone 11 first then”
A man tells his doctor : "Doc, help me, I'm addicted to Twitter"
The doctor replies : "Sorry I don't follow you..."
I’m a bald man and I’m thinking of getting rabbits tattooed on my head.
From a distance they will look like hares.
Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."
I asked "Which one are you then?"
I'm a shell of a man
Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.
After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!
Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.
"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"
The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.
Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"
The saleswoman says sure and asks why.
The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"
I had breakfast at The Mesa Grill and got food poisoning. My lawyer said that I had a good case, but I'm a man.
I just didn't wanna sue Flay.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
It’s a bit disappointing that the Ant Man defeating Thanos theory won’t happen. After all, I’m sure the strategy would have...
A man is at a doctor's appointment and the Doctor returns and tells the man "I'm sorry, sir, but you've contracted a disease that has erased all memories of 80's music from your mind."
The man looks shocked and asks "Oh no! What's the Cure?"
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims...
I'm going to get a job as a valet attendant, come dressed up as Spider-Man, and introduce myself as "Peter the Parker"
I'm organising a funeral for the world's fattest man
I'm in hospital and a man just told his elderly mum to use the rail, because its HANDy.. dad jokes on his own mother
I'm a man who likes to drive with high heels on...
A man runs into a hospital in a frenzy yelling "I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking!"
A nurse approaches him and says "Sir, you're just going to have to be a little patient."
I'm writing a book about a man who is not interested in women's breasts.
A man introduced himself by saying "I'm gay"
I thought it was a queer way to say hello
I'm doing a one man show about puns at my local theater.....
......it's a play on words.
I'm a man who doesn't call "rivers," rivers.
That's just too mainstream.
I'm a Muslim man dating an atheist woman
As a private investigator, I'm pursuing a con man by tracing his stream of impoverished victims...
Yes, he left a pauper trail.
"Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I'm a bridge!" "What's come over you, man?"
"So far two cars, a truck, and a bus."
While at Weinerschnitzel a young man who was clearly stoned stepped behind me in line. She wore a shirt that read "I'm just saying you've never seen me and Batman in the same room before."
Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless
I lent money to a blind man the other day, bug now I’m a bit worried
He said he’ll pay me back when he sees me again
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
A man bursts into his therapist's office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I keep dreaming I'm stuck inside a deck of cards!"
The therapist looked up from his paperwork and said, "I'm busy now. I'll deal with you later."
A man sitting in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying anything without my lawyer present!”
The policeman says “You are the lawyer!”
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” Replies the lawyer.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You ARE the lawyer!"
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
A man came to the doctor and said "you have to help me I'm shrinking", the doctor turned to him and said "I'm sorry you'll have to be a little patient"
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."
A man in court says, "I'm not saying anything without my lawyer present."
Cop: "But you are the lawyer..."
Lawyer: "Exactly, So where's my present?"
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
First saw it on badjokesbyjeff
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