A list of puns related to "I'll Be Good To You"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
So we're in year 12 of high school and we all get jerseys, including our year advisor teachers who've let us, the students, decide their jersey name. Usually the jersey name is a witty pun or joke which uses the wearer's name.
One of the teachers has a last name which sounds exactly like 'jenga' (that's not her name is really spelt, but it's to protect her identity), so I'll be need your help to get some good puns.
If you guys can't think of any, the other teachers last name is Daher (pronounced "darr"), so suggestions for her name would be nice too. Thanks!
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
So this is a bit long, sorry about that.
Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.
They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.
"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.
Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."
The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."
"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.
Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.
"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"
The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.
"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."
EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.
( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )
Hey everybody,
The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.
Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.
You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.
That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.
So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.
Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:
Here's what I am not looking for:
If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int
... keep reading on reddit ➡What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.
If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.
Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.
I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.
Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.
I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *
Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.
I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?
Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.
I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.
Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.
Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?
Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.
I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."
I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.
Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?
Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.
Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.
Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"
I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.
So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.
When you get an infection, urine trouble.
"Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."
How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."
Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.
Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *
What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *
*My absolut
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..
The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.
The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.
The Duke of Dance: help.
Sans: I gotta write these down.
The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit
The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.
Sans: I find this humerus.
The Duke of Dance: damn
The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.
The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.
Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.
The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.
The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.
The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.
The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.
Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?
The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.
Sans: That was alright.
The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?
The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.
The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop
Sans: I'm having a pun time.
The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.
The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.
The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.
The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.
The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.
The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?
Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?
The Duke of Dance: Do
The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?
The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.
Sans: I don't see any arrows.
Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.
The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.
Sans: Have you any backbone?
The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.
The Duke of Dance: :3
Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER
The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?
The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.
The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.
Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.
The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again
... keep reading on reddit ➡I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.
Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.
So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.
C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?
Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.
C: Do it
Fuck, he's one of these guys...
Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.
At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.
C: Do I have to use my real name?
PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY
Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.
C: Oh ok.
I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.
C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?
I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.
Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter
C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.
I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.
Oh that's an easy fix
Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.
C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"
Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.
I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.
**
... keep reading on reddit ➡My friend (L) and I (B) ended up in a pun war. She had to wake up super early to catch a flight, and this was at about one in the morning:
L: I should definitely set my alarm to 'cow' o.O
B: Haha, do it. Nothing like waking up to cows in the 'moo'rning.
L: Oh my gosh. Absolutely not.
B: Hey, but it would be so 'udder'ly hilarious!
L: I just got stabbed to death by a pun.
B: I'm just trying to 'milk' it for all it's worth...
L: If I did that, I'm not sure I'd wake up in a happy 'moo'od.
B: Just drink some 'calf'inated coffee, and you'll be fine.
L: I'd be laughing 'stock' of the town... Cows don't have a sense of humor.
B: Bull!
L: I'll just use my cowculator do determine how much sleep I'm actually going to get tonight...
B: You could wake up a little later, but you'd have to 'hoof' it to the airport.
L: Hope the weather is good, so my plane isn't 'ground'ed 'beef'.
B: That's stretching it... You should make more of an 'heifer't to come up with good puns.
L: I know when I'm getting creamed.
B: It's hard to 'steer' you in the right direction, because you keep changing topics.
L: That's udderly ridiculous. I'm just trying to mooove on.
B: And I just keep churning 'em out...
L: No, you're just spinning your 'veal's.
B: That's one of the best ones I've herd all night!
L: I thought I might've butchered it...
B: PETA might have a beef with you because of it, though...
L: Well done, well done...
B: I don't think they care leather or not you personally slaughtered it, too.
L: See now, I wish you'd stop 'grilling' me about the bad puns... You should 'patty' yourself on the back. I 'dairy' you to come up with more.
B: Well, you can certainly steak a claim for being able to hold your own...
L: I'm a natural 'barn' comedian. However, I really should quit 'yak'king and go to bed. :p
B: Okay, that's not cows... You lose. You 'cud' have done a lot better.
L: The grass is greener on the other side, okay? Also, cows live in barns, and yaks are related to cows.
B: It was still quite a stretch... Don't have a cow about it.
L: Ha anymoo. Goodnight! Also, don't die of mad cow disease.
After getting him in trouble we asked, "So you're not going to wet on your bedroom floor again, right?"
He looked down and said, "Nope. I'll just do it in someone else's bedroom." Then looked up and grinned. He'll be a good Dad someday.
I'm away at university and my dad calls me up while I'm doing last minute homework:
Dad: What are you up to?
Me: Just finishing an essay about Dickens' Hard Times for class. I'm really busy, can I call you back in a couple hours?
Dad: Oh, that sounds like a hard time!
Me: (Sarcastically) Well it's not the MOST fun I've ever had.
Dad: (long pause followed by a sigh) Are you having a hard time with the joke?
Me: No, (chuckles) I get it dad... but I've got to go!
Dad: You sound like you're having a hard time.
Me: Dad, I got it.
Dad: (scoff) Ahhh, I'm just giving you a hard time!
Me: Dad.... I've got so much work to do.
Dad: I'll let you go then; glad to be of help during this hard time. Good luck on your essay! (hangs up)
Girlfriend: Did you see that photograph of Brad Pitt's brother?
Me: No I didn't, is his first name Arm?
Cue her laughing at my lameness. Let's hope my ability at dad jokes convince her I'll be a good father to her children someday.
At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.
While watching a baseball game:
In regards to meatloaf my mother made:
While eating at relatives' house:
In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:
When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:
After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:
My daughter tried to go poop today for the first time on the potty. It didn't go well. There was "one that got away" if you know what I mean. She got excited and ran out of the bathroom without being properly cleaned up. It ended up on the rug in her room (she has a brown and green rug so it blended right in) and my wife found it by stepping on it. I had to run to the store to get some carpet cleaner. I get home and she has it mostly cleaned up. This is where it starts: Wife: I got most of it out already. Me: Ok. I'll get the rest with the cleaner. Wife: I scrubbed it pretty good for like twenty minutes. Me: To get it that clean, I thought it would have taken about turd-y minutes. She groaned and my son and I laughed.
We were at a grocery store when I was around 16. He bought some groceries and let me pick out a couple of gaming magazines. We got to the register and here is the quick exchange.
Cashier, "Good afternoon! How are you today?"
Dad, "Very good and yourself?"
Cashier, "Good thank you. Are you guys together?"
Dad, "That's disgusting. He's my son!"
The cashier literally looked in horror at my dad. Although it definitely was groan worthy, the reaction made us both laugh. I'll definitely be using this when I have kids.
We're driving through our neighborhood and a guy pulls out quick and wife says "watch out for the guy pulling out." My 4 year old is at the ask everything stage and says "what's pulling out?" Me "well son, if I did that a little sooner you wouldn't be here" My wife wasn't impressed but it gets better.
So someone in the family recently had a baby and were talking about it and son says "why don't daddies have babies?" We explain and he asks where babies come from. I chime in as I am getting out of the car "well, now we come back to pulling out". He was so confused, wife was pissed but I had a good laugh. I think I'll keep it g rated next time.
Quick backstory: there is a bar in my town that all new alumni of the town's university sign upon graduation. My friends and I were in their celebrating a 21st birthday on Saturday and I just graduated. The bar is a restaurant in the daytime and they have great sundaes.
My friend asked the bartender for a sharpie so I could sign the ceiling. The bartender didn't have one and this was our exchange:
Me: "Ah let's come in tomorrow and get sundaes and I'll sign the ceiling."
Friend: "Sounds good to me."
Me: "It could be a sundate."
Friend: "Really...."
Me: "Convenient on Sunday!"
Friend: "Jokes on you it's going to be really cloudy!"
Me: "So then it's just clou-day."
Friend: "Get out." (Turns back to me while cringing)
"Hey, I'm going to do some errands."
"Ok sounds good I'll be here"
"Do you know where I'm going to do those errands?"
"No, where?"
"At the Errand Space Museum" and then he did his patented Dad Fake Laugh and walked out the door.
God dammit
I had to run a couple of errands between then and now, so my memory might be a bit fuzzy, but I'll do best.
Friend 1: "Sarah"
Friend 2: "Shawn"
Future dad: "Sam"
Sarah: There is no good way to eat a taco. (There is a dismembered taco sitting on her plate.)
Shawn: I know, right? It's seriously the worst-designed food, like, ever.
Sarah: Back in [hometown], there's this restaurant that sells authentic Mexican tacos. There's no grease or anything, just chunks of chicken with guacamole and salsa and a bit of cheese on top, and it's SO GOOD. I really shouldn't even talk about them, it's just making me homesick.
Sam: You mean you shouldn't taco 'bout them?
We were at Visionworks yesterday getting my glasses prescription updated, and I was talking to the saleswoman about glasses care.
"Should I buy one those little frame screwdriver kits? In case my lenses fall out or the frame busts?"
"Well, Laff_Like_Peter, I think that's a bad idea. Those kits are flimsy, and the screw heads break off all the time. Getting your frames adjusted is free if the come in, I wouldn't feel right selling you those useless kits. Come on in if your frames have an accident, I'll give you a good screw".
My Dad, who was sitting quietly next to me, pipes up "Better be careful with what you say". The saleswoman was mortified.
So I was in line at my college's sandwich shop. The man behind me was one of the workers in the school's small post office, and also happens to be my friend's dad. He laid down a pretty good dad joke.
Sandwich lady: Next? What kind of bread can I get for you? Me: Hi, thank you, I'll have a white wrap. Him: Oh, I'll give you a white rap, "Yo, yo, yo, beatbox noises"
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