I'd rather be stoned than be hanged
πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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I was hired to fix tires at the bike shop, but I'd rather be their media guy.

I guess I'm more of a spokesman.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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If i were an executioner, i’d rather be the guy swinging an axe than the guy tying a rope.

easier to get a head

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aexolthum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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I'd rather not
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paerpie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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This decade was pretty stressful for me. I'd say it was rather 10's.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoBoiRudy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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I'd rather die than have immortality
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurtle_Le_Turtle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carp8DM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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I think I want to quit my real estate job. I’d rather clean mirrors for a living.

It’s just something I can see myself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chota_chotu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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I'd rather DIE
πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fiat-flux
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

He said this every time I brought him his first beer for the day.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikehunnt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
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I'd rather be remembered than dismembered.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smallpoly
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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I'd rather not talk about the elephant in the room...

because frankly, I think it's irrelephant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawkta_keys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
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I'd rather have tofu

Than nofu

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevejobs6969
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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I love my watch, but I'd rather not look at it too often.

It's a real Seiko.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DasBauHans
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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Noah's berries.

It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.

Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."

Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."

After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"

Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."

Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GreggAlan
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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Her: "I have a confession...I used to be Christian. "

Me: " That doesn't bother me. "

Her: "Thats great... Because I'd much rather be known as Christine now."

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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I asked my doctor if he could refer me to a specialist about my addiction to board games. Draughts, Snakes and ladders, Scrabble....

He asked "Any Chess?"

So I said no, I'd rather go private.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
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I Think that body positivity is great.

But I'd rather have antibodies

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assblasterX3000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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Coming home from apple picking this morning, my wife saw a sign from a Jewelry store that read, "Watches 20% off."

Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."

Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Platinum_Mattress
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:

I'd rather dye.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/delo357
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"

I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"

I said "No, I'd rather fry one."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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Dadjoked a city... kinda

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchGoatee
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
🚨︎ report
When I tell my dad, " I need to hop in the shower real quick before we leave the house".

Ok, but I'd rather you hop real slow. Bathroom falls account for the majority of home injuries.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cypressinn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
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My dad to a waitress at fancy steak house

Waitress: Do you wanna box for that?

Dad: No, I'd rather wrestle!

πŸ‘︎ 910
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πŸ‘€︎ u/electronicwizard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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Mom told me she's getting me a sweater for Christmas.

I told her I'd rather have a screamer ...

or maybe just a moaner.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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I was asked why I don't eat raisins.

I'm religious, I'd rather lower my sins.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeraphil
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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Whack-a-mole?

I'd rather guac one!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/catanator500
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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My coworker asked me if I'd ever stop being a vegetarian...

I told her I'd rather kale myself.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Smell mop.

Smell mop who?

Umm, no thanks I'd rather not.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sh1ma_Tetsu0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2016
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Just one minute ago, this one graced my ears

I was talking with my mom about books. I said I rarely read fiction, if I would want fiction's, I'd watch a movie or play a videogame. My mom said she only likes biographies, but "not the ones by different authors, but by the subjects themselves". To which I said:

"You mean autobiographies?"

When my father decided to chime in the topic:

"I'd rather read bicyclebiographies"

me: "what do you mean?"

him: "the opposite".

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FelixR1991
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Bought some liquor and cookies on the way to a party...

Wife was holding everything while I drove and I said "Let me know if I should pull over. If you can't hold your liquor, I'd rather you not toss your cookies in my car."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mjwhitta
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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An unsuccessful dad joke made by mad dad at an art museum

Me: "Dad, I want to see the Vangogh gallery."

Dad: "Van-go? I'd rather Van-stay here!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a11ycat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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Got in a car accident and went to the hospital.

I had some pain in my side, so i figured i'd rather be safe than sorry, so I went to the ER. The physician was doing an ultrasound to check for internal injuries, and he was like, "so that's your spleen, we check for this black line right there. This here is your kidney, which looks fine." and I replied "You gotta be kiddin-ney."

my mom thought it was funny as hell.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poptart2nd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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Finishing dinner with my Dad...

... He didn't finish all of his food

Waiter: "Do you want a box for your meal?"

Dad: "No, I'd rather wrestle, boxing is too violent"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Commanda_Panda
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my wife's BFF

We were talking about what to do for Halloween and my wife and I said we'd rather chill at home.

BFF: Guys, we can't be old farts.

Me: I actually don't mind being an old fart.

BFF: That's cuz you guys have someone to be old farts with. I'd love to be an old fart with someone but I don't want to be an old fart alone.

Me: You should start a Lonely Farts Club.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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Pulled this one after going out to dinner last night

Waitress: Do you wanna box?

Me: I'd rather wrestle

I chuckled

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Brandon_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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Bro, don't get too hammered

Him "only had two rootbeers" Him "Not Your Fathers" Me "Good, I'd rather you not steal all his rootbeer"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anti-Iridium
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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Ryan is taking a bath.

Ryan's dad says to the mom, "Ryan wants you to wash his hair."

"Ugh!" she replies, "I'd rather lie in bed."

"I know you would," says dad, "but I'd lather Ry instead."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HughJamerican
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Would you like me to make you an egg?

"No, I'd rather you left me a human being."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hassanchug
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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