I guess I'm more of a spokesman.
easier to get a head
It’s just something I can see myself doing.
He said this every time I brought him his first beer for the day.
because frankly, I think it's irrelephant.
It's a real Seiko.
It's not well known that among the species of plants taken aboard Noah's Ark was a very odd berry. This berry had a special property where if you ate too few at once they would be sour, but if you ate too many at once they would be bitter. Even stranger was that the right number of berries to eat at once for perfect sweetness was different for each person.
Shem would never take enough berries and would complain every time "Ugh! These berries are so sour! Why did we bring these plants?" Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat a couple more in a mouthful to make them sweet."
Ham would always take too many berries and would complain every time "Ick! These berries are so bitter! I'd like to toss the plants overboard." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you need to eat fewer in a mouthful to make them sweet."
Japeth would grab a random amount and whenever they were bitter or sour he'd complain "Why do these berries never taste the same? We should let the animals eat the plants so we don't have to eat the silly berries." Noah would reply "I've told you over and over, you should remember how many berries taste the best."
After a couple of weeks of this, Noah announced "I'm taking charge of portioning the berries. I've made notes of how many of them taste the best for me, my wife, all of you my sons, and your wives. At meals I'll give each of you the correct amount, and NO MORE COMPLAINTS!"
Another week passed and Japeth wanted some berries to take the edge off his hunger, but rather than wander all over the whole ark looking for his father he asked Emzara "Where's dad? I'd like some berries before lunch."
Emzara pointed to the storeroom and said "I thought you were tired of the berries? But there's Noah, counting for taste."
Me: " That doesn't bother me. "
Her: "Thats great... Because I'd much rather be known as Christine now."
He asked "Any Chess?"
So I said no, I'd rather go private.
But I'd rather have antibodies
Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."
Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."
I'd rather dye.
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.
I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".
There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...
[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]
Ok, but I'd rather you hop real slow. Bathroom falls account for the majority of home injuries.
Waitress: Do you wanna box for that?
Dad: No, I'd rather wrestle!
I told her I'd rather have a screamer ...
or maybe just a moaner.
I'm religious, I'd rather lower my sins.
I told her I'd rather kale myself.
Who's there?
Smell mop.
Smell mop who?
Umm, no thanks I'd rather not.
I was talking with my mom about books. I said I rarely read fiction, if I would want fiction's, I'd watch a movie or play a videogame. My mom said she only likes biographies, but "not the ones by different authors, but by the subjects themselves". To which I said:
"You mean autobiographies?"
When my father decided to chime in the topic:
"I'd rather read bicyclebiographies"
me: "what do you mean?"
him: "the opposite".
Wife was holding everything while I drove and I said "Let me know if I should pull over. If you can't hold your liquor, I'd rather you not toss your cookies in my car."
Me: "Dad, I want to see the Vangogh gallery."
Dad: "Van-go? I'd rather Van-stay here!"
I had some pain in my side, so i figured i'd rather be safe than sorry, so I went to the ER. The physician was doing an ultrasound to check for internal injuries, and he was like, "so that's your spleen, we check for this black line right there. This here is your kidney, which looks fine." and I replied "You gotta be kiddin-ney."
my mom thought it was funny as hell.
... He didn't finish all of his food
Waiter: "Do you want a box for your meal?"
Dad: "No, I'd rather wrestle, boxing is too violent"
We were talking about what to do for Halloween and my wife and I said we'd rather chill at home.
BFF: Guys, we can't be old farts.
Me: I actually don't mind being an old fart.
BFF: That's cuz you guys have someone to be old farts with. I'd love to be an old fart with someone but I don't want to be an old fart alone.
Me: You should start a Lonely Farts Club.
Waitress: Do you wanna box?
Me: I'd rather wrestle
I chuckled
Him "only had two rootbeers" Him "Not Your Fathers" Me "Good, I'd rather you not steal all his rootbeer"
Ryan's dad says to the mom, "Ryan wants you to wash his hair."
"Ugh!" she replies, "I'd rather lie in bed."
"I know you would," says dad, "but I'd lather Ry instead."
"No, I'd rather you left me a human being."
