if you’re ever itching for more terrible jokes, you know where to find me…
hope I’m not bugging you guys too much with these awful puns
It keeps telling me my door is a jar.
I should call it Tumor Humor.
I told him it was a play on “Words.”
My roommate and I driving through the country and we see a farmer tilling his field. To each other we sat.. Me: "you till that field " Roommate :" you till it who's boss"
Sister: Sometimes I make jokes that only you would appreciate to the full extent
Me: Same.
Sister: This car came pulling out of a place real fast before stopping and the guys driving kind of looked like POTC Orlando Bloom. So naturally he [her boyfriend] said "Woah, Orlando bloom" and I said "Yeah you better calm down before you Orlando yourself in a bad spot"
My mom was telling a story about how she was kicking butt at work - as usual. Something about business politics and getting one over on some blockheads trying to undermine her. Dad speaks up, laughing.
"I can just envision them sitting there - crossing their eyes -"
I had to speak up.
"And dotting their t's?"
He couldn't stop laughing.
My son was climbing on the back of the couch.
Me: son, please get down. You're a little too high for my liking.
Wife: yeah, it's only legal in two states
I went to the gas station the other day to put air in my tires. I seen the sign "Air $2.50" I was like "DARN YOU INFLATION!!"
I said "No, son".
But not for iron, which is ironic.
My wife asked me where the towels were drying and I replied they were hanging "on the fence". I paused for a few seconds and said "I hope they can make up their mind"
It really makes my day.
Would you please just let everything blow over first..
Edit/update:
First let me say that we fortunately weathered the storm well, some damage, not major.
I grew up with a humorous dad, and I appreciate how humor can alleviate stress. Most of you "got it", some of you didn't, some (few) were offended.
I grew up with a dad who taught me the appreciation of MAS*H where Hawkeye Pierce made jokes and quips in a horrible environment (war).
My dad even joked when he got Covid-19, a serious issue at his age, he first told me saying "I tested positive.. I'm pregnant"
That said I want to say Thank You to those that got it.
Riding out a hurricane is a scary and anxiety ridden experience. Each time you commented you made me smile, chuckle and sometimes laugh. It brought a bright spot to an otherwise scary night, if only for a moment it would take my mind off of the raging wind and rain at my door each of the hundreds of times my phone notification went off as this post "blew" up! I can only hope it did the same for others who appreciate humor the way that my dad taught me to.
Thanks r/dadjokes
Godspeed to those still battling this storm and those that will battle the results in the days and weeks to come.
As Jimmy Buffet once said "If we couldn't laugh we'd all go insane"
I told the attendant that I didn’t want to run “afowl” of the law.
She did not laugh.
I'm raising money, by selling scratchcards.
You’re getting….a raw deal.
No sun.
I can’t stomach this particler kind of humor. It gives me atomic ache
Mom drops a fork onto the floor in the kitchen
Me : “Oh, fork! Mom!”
Dad : from another room “Hey! That’s not very knife.”
Big appreciation towards mine, & many other dads, for this sense of humor.
She said to me, "I'm not stallin"
And I replied, "well, you might be right about that because you're certainly not Russian.'
I got nothing... no laughs, even after I thoroughly explained it to her. My daughter has no sense of humor.
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me! Never trust an atom, they make up everything! Long fairy tales do tend to drag on! I made a pun about the wind, but it blows! I had a pizza joke, but it was too CHEESY! I know a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition! Don't discuss infinity with your math teacher, they'll go on forever! The ability to fly would be so uplifting! My friend's bakery burned down, now it's toast! I was gonna get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind! german food jokes are the wurst! My local A.T.M stopped working and it doesn't make any cents! I miss my childhood friend and he misses me, but our aim is getting better! My friend found out she was colorblind, it came out of the orange for her! What did the duck say when she purchased some new lipstick? Put it on my bill! Towels can't tell jokes, they have dry senses of humor. What did the buffalo say to his son going away to college? Bison! What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds! What's the U.S.A's favorite soda?Mini soda! The bicycle couldn't be ridden because it was two tired! The car wasn't up for being driven because it was completely exhausted!
“You can keep the tip”
It was an inn-side joke.
One fish turned to the other and said:
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
Will Smith?
Because it's always gas-lighting
Answer: No, it's pretty light.
To my 13 year old daughter who began coughing at dinner tonight.
Me: “are you choking?”
Her: “yes”, while coughing!
Me: “Hi choking, I’m dad.”
Neither her or her mother found humor in this, my son and I thought it was hilarious.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
What's a dry cleaners preferred sense of humor?
Irony
So dad, if you’re up there…
There were a lot of stock photos.
Me: My wife yesterday was all on my case. "You'll never get a car made out of spaghetti to work!" she says. Man - y'all should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
Friend 1: Oof - seriously. You should see if you can get supplements for that bad-joke problem.
Me: Maybe I'll try some vitamins. I'll grab some B2, B3, B5, and B6. Gonna skip B4 - that's in the past.
Friend 1: If I stop setting these up will you just, you know, stop?
Me: I tried Omega3 before, but the benefits were Super Fish Oil.
Friend 2: How do I unsubscribe from this group text?
Me: Maybe I can order some Vitamin C from a Mexican website. That means "Vitamin Yes" in Spanish, right?
Friend 1: Dead. I'm dead here. You've killed me. And humor.
Me: Actually my doctor said I should be eating more citrus fruits. Oranges, specifically. He also said I needed to drop some pounds. He said it was the "Weight and C" approach.
Friend 2: You're looking these up.
Me: Not all of them. I mean, I did get some of them from this big dictionary I have. It's pun-abridged.
Friend 1: If I had to grade these jokes, you'd get a Vitamin D. That's a 1.0 GPA.
Me: I'm going to have to put those grades up for adoption. I don't think I'll be able to raise them.
Friend 1: D-
Me: Maybe I should look into becoming a marine biologist as a career. Since my grades are so far below "C" level.
Friend 2: JFC. Is there any way to make it stop?
Me: Nope! I'm PUN-STOPPABLE!
In all fairness, I had heard most of these before (I have loved puns since college) but this was the first time I've gotten a good long run in a single pass. Also this is nearly-verbatim. I removed a couple identifying things and re-ordered a few of the messages for clarity of response.
Older Stepson, to younger stepson: "He set a tick on fire today!"
Me, leaning in to fiance's ear: "Dad, are we setting a tick on fire?" -pause- "Yes, we arson."
My fiance who usually scoffs at my dad jokes/humor: "...that was pretty good."
This just happened a few moments ago and I came in to share this with you all.
But he said redditors don't like reposting.
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She gave me a hug
Turns out I’m bicepsual.
A flat miner
