How long did it take the annoying drunk to explain the civil war at the sports bar?

Four scores and seven beers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Regular-Fella
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2022
🚨︎ report
I wanted to explain how I turned into a cat...

But they wouldn't hear me out.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faruhoinguh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Vile1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I am trying to think how to explain a thesaurus

But I am at a loss for words.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a hard time listening to people explain how to sharpen knives.

It’s very dull at the beginning.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to explain my friend how balls bounce.

It went over his head.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
How do cavemen explain sex to their kids?

They have the neandertalk.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone tried to explain to me how power usage works.

I was like, "watt?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazytacoman4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
How did the crazy bolt explain the difference between himself and his brother to his brother?

"You sane bolt."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My grandfather felt the need to explain us who exactly "Jack Schitt" is and how much we REALLY don't know him.

For some time many of us have wondered, just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my personal genealogy research efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaeqPiegDeivys
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2014
🚨︎ report
One of my friends doesn't understand logarithms no matter how I try to explain it to them...

They're having an exponential crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xealloch
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Hey guys, I'm a bit new to reddit, could someone explain to me how to submit to /r/dadjokes
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jatz55
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Thank you for explaining to me how to completely rewire my house.

It was kind of revolting.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester57
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2022
🚨︎ report
My friend was explaining how it is acceptable to dissect a jackrabbit, but not to butcher them to eat.

To me, it is really just splitting hares.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hank_Nova
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2023
🚨︎ report
I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards

It was spam

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2022
🚨︎ report
I took a day trip to my childhood home today. I knocked, and when the residents answered, I explained how I grew up there - and asked if I might come inside to relive some nostalgia. They angrily refused, SLAMMED the door in my face, and threatened to call the police if I didn't leave.

My parents are the worst.

πŸ‘︎ 162
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday when he asked me how to start a campfire. I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same."

"Then you’ll have a match!"

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2022
🚨︎ report
My laboratory co-worker asked how I spent last evening. My response was, "I studied the affect of aqua-thermal, chemical, and friction exposure to various ceramics, metals, and plastics in a constrained environment." She was duly impressed until, upon clarification, I explained...

"I washed the dishes with hot water under my wife's close supervision."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.

He can't just comprehend what attachments are!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pkdtezpur88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me how the text-to-speech feature works on his phone, but I didn't bother explaining it to him.

It speaks for itself.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The Rabbit Joke (as told by Norm)

Shoutout to u/TomrummetsKald for the original post that gained so much traction. This is my take on that joke if it was told by the late, great Norm MacDonald. Feel free to read in a voice that reminds you of moths or professors of logic.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The nurse says to the rabbit, β€œOh, what makes you want to give blood today, rabbit?” And the rabbit begins to explain.

β€œOh, nurse, it was such a long journey to get here. You see, I was very sickly as a child. I had a rare anemia of the blood that has been passed down through my family across the generations. There was little that the doctors could do. But then, one day, my older brother died in a horrible, fiery crash, and I was too weak to give him the blood that could have saved his life.

β€œI became terribly distraught and sought out the counsel of our family priest, who told me the best way to get over my guilt and my shame was to become strong and physically conditioned so that one day even I, with my rare anemia of the blood, could give the blood that could not save my brother, but could save other rabbits.

β€œSo with the priest by my side, I trained for years, until one day a doctor cleared me to safely give blood. I was so proud, and I knew my brother would not die in vain.

β€œBut when I arrived at the blood bank, to my *shock* and *horror,* I remembered my other brother who died of a heroin overdose, and it awakened in me a deep-seated phobia of needles!

β€œFortunately, our family priest knew of a minister who specialized in helping rabbits overcome deep-seated phobias. (There’s an obscure seminary in Wyoming that teaches the craft.) It was another long and hard road, filled with many sleepless nights, but he helped me build my spirit as strong as my body, until one day I found that I was no longer afraid of needles!

β€œAnd so, I, a rabbit who has been through so much, invited the priest and the minister to accompany me to the blood bank today, to share in this great moment in which I am finally able to give blood in honor of my dear, deceased brothers.”

When the rabbit finished his story, the nurse was quite moved.

β€œMy goodness, that is quite an inspirational story, rabbit. And how good it is that you, the priest and the minister, were able to accompany th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2023
🚨︎ report
I was explaining to my son how a baton is used in relay races, and he understood right away.

I gotta hand it to him.

πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day

β€œReally?” the coworker asks. β€œWhat showed you she really loved you?”

β€œShe was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. β€œLike when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, β€˜My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sardonicuis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I was explaining how to make Sun Tea to my daughter and she asked if she could make it in a pot instead of a jar.

I told her that if she did that, she would make potty.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garlocka
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A long time ago, toilet seats were wooden

A cleaning material was usually put onto it to clean them, but it was very sticky, and had to be taken off before someone could go on it. One day, a man comes home to his wife stuck on the toilet seat because he didn't take the stuff off.

"Jim! How could you not tell me you cleaned it?! I can't get off!"

"It's alright honey, I'll help you"

After he tries many times to remove the seat from his wife's bottom, he still can't get it off. His wife is in pain and agony. Jim suggests that they visit the local doctor. His wife is mortified, but she reluctantly agrees.

They arrive at the hospital and request to see a doctor. The lady at the front desk told them to sit down and wait.

"Jim, everyone here is staring at me!"

"It's alright honey"

His wife is on the verge of tears, and Jim is still finding the situation hard to believe. Eventually, the doctor calls them into his room.

"So, what seems to be the problem today, ma'am?"

She explains what happened to the doctor. The doctor nods, and starts calling for some assistance.

"Jim, he's never seen anything like this before"

The doctor looks over.

"I have seen it before, just never framed and mounted"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2022
🚨︎ report
A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stumbles upon this video of an old man, playing the acoustic guitar on his front porch: a beautiful rendition of β€˜β€™Stairway to Heaven’’. Gentle, touching, absolutely gorgeous. The bar owner can’t help but cry. He immediately knows this is the man he wants for his bar, and gets in contact with him.

The musician, over the phone, thank him over and over again for the amazing opportunity. He explains that he’s a retired judge who was pressured to go into law by his parents, over 50 years ago. In his heart, he’s always dreamed of being a musician and to perform in front of a real audience. This is the first time he’ll ever get to do it.

The bar owner is even more touched by his story, and decides to immediately sign him on for 10 night shows. The old judge is over the moon, this is everything he’s ever dreamed of! The two men leave the call, happy and content.

That night, the bar owner hypes all of the regulars, telling them about this amazing new act that they’ll get to see tomorrow. He tells them to bring some friends, bring some family, no one has ever heard music like that before. The patrons are excited and promise to bring everyone they know.

The night arrives, and the old judge gets on stage. The bar is absolutely packed, people give him a standing ovation before he’s even started. Beaming with joy and trying his best not to cry, he calms the audience down. β€˜β€™Thank you, thank you so much, everyone. Thank you to Jim, the owner, for believing in me. I know he loved my cover of β€˜Stairway to Heaven’, but tonight, I figured I’d do some original compositions. I hope you like them.’’ He sits down and starts playing.

He slams down on his guitar and lets out a piercing screech. Everyone in the room freezes

For the next half hour, without ever stopping, he plays dozens of discordant chords while yelling incoherent words like β€˜β€™pineapple sauce!’’ and β€˜β€™love and hate are second cousins!’’. He screams then whispers, playing notes that don’t make any sort of reasonable sense.

The audience is stunned. No one dares to say a word. The sweet old man seems so sincere in his rendition, yet it’s just… horrendous.

The owner has a million thoughts racing all at once. How could this h

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpadesFairy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2022
🚨︎ report
Officially a dad

My wife and I just had our first yesterday. My son was less than 10 minutes old when the doctor was doing some post delivery stitching for my wife.

My wife said: "how many stitches is it going to be?"

Doc: "we're not actually counting stitches with this, it's a running stitch"

Without missing a beat, I said "is it going after the fridge?"

There was very brief pause of activity in the room, and then soft chuckles and head shakes. Someone muttered "that's a good one". I feel like I've been inaugurated.

Edit: to everyone confused by this, I'll explain

Back when landlines were the main way of calling people, and cellphones and caller ID was rare (or non-existent), making crank calls was a.... common past-time.

One of the common ones was went like this:

Victim: "hello?"

Pranker: "hi, is your fridge running?"

Victim: "yes, why?"

Pranker: "well then you better go catch it!"

And then you hang up. So the joke here is that because it was a "running stitch" it was running to catch the fridge.

<ba-dum tsss>

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cbstryker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Little Johnny, aged 7, came home from school one day and asked his dad:

β€œDaddy, where do I come from?”

His poor father started sweating, knowing that one day his son would want to know all about β€˜it’. He looked around for his wife to take on the explanation, but she was out at the shops. It was no good, his father thought. β€˜It’s time he knew’ and took the young lad to one side and explained how mummy and daddy met and then married and wanted to produce a baby and, well, you know the rest. After much awkwardness and embarrassment, after nearly an hour, the dad finally reached the point in the story where his son was born in hospital. The young boy’s face just stared back, mouth open and speechless. β€œSo, tell me son, why do you ask?”

The boy, still in shock, said. β€œBilly Clark in our class, said he was from Chicago”

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Friend tried to get a loan the other day...

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Stache_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2022
🚨︎ report
A penguin is interviewing a hawk who made it big time as a helicopter pilot...

The penguin asks, "Can you tell us how you got your start?"

"Well," explains the hawk, "I used to work for an aerial photography outfit, Hawk Air."

"And that's how you got into piloting?"

"No, then I got a degree in philosophy."

"Philosophy!" exclaims the penguin. "How do you get from philosophy to piloting?"

"It's quite simple, really," nods the hawk sagely. "My professor told me what to do with my life. Post Hawk Air, go Copter Hawk."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Genarment
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2022
🚨︎ report
My wife had enough of my dad jokes

So after having to explain the 5th dad joke to her she just had enough. She went on a long tirad about how it was constant dad jokes and she never understood them. She was at hers wits end with me and didn't know how she could get me to just stop. As I was backing out of the parking space, over my shoulder it replied, "Maybe you just have a bad dadittude."

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/donkey_Dealer08
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2022
🚨︎ report
My young daughter asked me, "Dad, what's sex mean?"

Knowing she's growing up, I sat her down and explained the birds and the bees. I used the proper names, explained how it works, the whole nine yards.

When I was done, she had this shocked look in her face. So I said, "If you didn't want to know why did you ask?!"

She said, "Well mom said dinner would be done in a few secs."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sm1ttysm1t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
🚨︎ report
A large RussiΠ°n company buys a batch of off-road Mercedes trucks...

A large Russian company buys a batch of off-road Mercedes trucks. The deal also includes training of drivers to work with the new equipment. One such Mercedes catches up with an old MAZ truck on the road. At one point the MAZ stopped, then a man with a bucket jumped out of it and scooped some water from a puddle on the road and poured it into the fuel tank. Then he gets in the truck, lights it and sets off. The instructor in the Mercedes, who speaks a little RussiΠ°n, asks the driver:

- What's happening?

"It's out of fuel."

"You keep fuel in puddles along the road?"

- No. This is water.

The German was silent for a few minutes and stated:

- The car in front of us is moving with water!

- No! It's moving with diesel!

The instructor decides to make fun of him and is silent until they reach the base. Excited, he goes there and shares with his colleagues what he saw. It turns out that someone else saw the same thing, but he doesn't know RussiΠ°n and couldn't ask. He returns to his trainee and continues to question. If MAZ is running on diesel, why did the driver add water to the fuel tank? The RussiΠ°n explains to him that the pipe that sucks the diesel is located just a few centimetres above the bottom of the fuel tank. At the moment it stops refuelling, there are another ten litters of diesel in the fuel tank. When water is poured, the level rises, then the diesel, which is lighter, rises from the top and the truck can travel many more kilometres. Amazed by this explanation, the German asks:

"Why don't they put the fuel pipe at the bottom of the tank?"

The RussiΠ°n's in shock answers him:

- But what if there is water in the diesel?

Edit: How a MAZ truck looks like - https://youtu.be/roj5Xf55PDU

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reddymea
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2022
🚨︎ report
Three guys sit down at a bar

They all start talking about the scariest animals they’ve seen The first one says β€œ the meanest thing I ever saw was a crocodile β€œ The next one says β€œ the meanest thing I ever saw was an alligator β€œ The last guy thinks for a moment and then says β€œ the meanest thing I ever saw was a crocogator β€œ the other two ask him to explain what it is so he says β€œ it’s got a crocs head on one side and a gators on the other β€œ they then laugh and ask how it’s supposed to go to the bathroom. Then he says β€œ that’s what makes it so mean β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AuMiner321
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2022
🚨︎ report
My dad doesn’t use the internet so I must be the prophet who spreads the good word of bad jokes

We’ve been in a bad joke email war for some time now. It’s been so long, I don’t remember how it started. It may have happened when I moved out after staying with him and my mom for a while.

Long story short: I’ve got a lot of dad jokes to share with y’all, because we are constantly sending β€œdad jokes” to each other. And I have hundreds of jokes that are LITERALLY from my dad.

All the best jokes? They are headed your way!

Here’s some to get you started. I am copying and pasting them exactly as he writes in the email so you can get the full β€œdad” effect. He’s 72.

Everyone who can, take a moment out of your day to call your dad.

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

the male pumpkin told the female pumpkin ................you look gourdish today boo me love dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Exaggeration is a billion times better than understatement..........................love, dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Is it true that if you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes an "aware wolf" ?

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

If swimming is good for your figure how do you explain whales?

Bad aina, I almost didn't send it.......................................Love dad

β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”β€”

Have a good night everyone, and see you soon!

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Queen_Of_Ashes_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2021
🚨︎ report
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? "

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Some dad "tips and tricks"

More to come, please share yours as well.

  • Have a Nest or other Wi-Fi thermostat? Use the "lock" setting so a pin number is needed to change the temperature. Better yet, Nest has a setting where it only allows for a temperature range if you try to adjust when it's locked. 58-62 in the winter and 80-84 in the summer results in no more touching of the thermostat.
  • Order your stuff alongside kids stuff strategically to avoid explaining why you need a new [insert your hobby/gadgets here]. "Honey, what's in the Amazon box?" "Oh, nice, it's the kids new Play-Doh set." [show Play-Doh box, hide new headphones]. Be careful with this one, if you try to order a baseball glove alongside a PS5, the box size may be conspicuous. To reduce the risk when ordering large items, order something for your wife too. "Honey, what's in the Amazon box?" "Oh, nice, it's the kids new Play-Doh set. And... I got you something." [show Play-Doh box, show some perfume/lotion set or stemless wine glasses, hide new 7.2 home audio system]
  • Recommend the pizza place or other take out that doesn't deliver. Convince everyone it's the best pizza/food in town. Because how often do you have 30 minutes to yourself? And always leave early when picking up food.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That's when I went to Yale... Interviewer: That's impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this yob.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I got an email explaining how to read maps backwards

It was spam

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smithismyalias
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2022
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A FROG, A BANK AND A LOAN

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faze_Spriggan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2022
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.