House Of Miracles Puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

How does every Russian joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

Whats the difference between a smart Russian and a unicorn?  Nothing, they’re both fictional characters

What’s meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union?  It’s when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party’s.

What do you call a Russian with Tourette’s Syndrome?  Yukanol Fukov.

What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?  A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User’s Manual?  The bus and train timetables.

What is Communism?  The Poles say it’s the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.

What do you call a gassy russian? Vladimir Tootin

What is the fastest country in the world? A: Russia

What do you call a Lada on a hill?  A bloody miracle.

What did Wendi Murdoch say to Vladimir Putin?  Put-it-in!

What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?  Electricity.

Did you hear about the winner of the Russian beauty contest? Me neither.

When was the first Russian election held?  The time that God set Eve in front of Adam and said, “Go ahead, choose your wife.”

Russia really Putin a lot of work for the Winter Olympics

I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.

America: Hey Ivan.. Russia: da.. America: what do you call a gassy Russian.. Russia: hoe don’t-.. America: Vladimir Tootin.. Russia: !   America: !!.. Russia: fuck you.

Me: Netflix and chill more like NYET-flix and chill.. Closetcellist: in a russian accent NO FILMS. ONLY CHILL.

So you want to tell me… Hilbert was Russian to the loud noise?

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?” We’re answering: “The English fairy tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate the Americans?” We’re answering: “Because Russians helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don’t help to get rid of the other.”

This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?” We’re answering: “At Lenin’s time, Ru