I dropped my phone and I was surprised that it didnt hit the floor

turns out it was in airplane mode

πŸ‘︎ 177
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GGDominated
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Last night I spilled a bunch of small thumbtacks, then danced to the beat of them hitting the floor

That's right; I got down to brass tacks.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Best pun I’ve ever made.

Canadian co-worker, ranting about not wanting to go on a boat party he’d been invited to Me: β€œI thought you’d be all about that”(said a-boat to do my best Canadian accent impersonation) When I tell you his jaw hit the floor and he just stumbled around in silence for the next 10 minutes after giving me a hug πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ we still laugh about it to this day

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/beans_and_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2022
🚨︎ report
I always tip my waiter.

He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YourOverLordisME
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2022
🚨︎ report
An ode to my balls

Sometimes i just like to throw my balls around in the living room.

I do it in front of my girl.

I do it when we have guests.

Sometimes i hit the ceiling.

Sometimes i just hit the floor.

The third one is a bit out of place, but that is okay. It is grey after all.

Juggling is fun, but also quite a ballsy affair.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sebbdk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2022
🚨︎ report
Hands free

Just happened! Laying in bed, scrolling, hear a dish hit the floor. I get up, go out to check that my partner is ok. Him: Here you are, not feeling well, not sleeping well, and my clumsy ass can’t hold a plate Me: Next time try using your hands.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__wildwing__
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2022
🚨︎ report
My watches strap is broken.

I still wore it to the party some of the guys were having.

The night was going well, but this couple kept arguing with each other. I get bumped and my watch falls on the floor. The boyfriend yells, β€œI’ve just about had it!” As he steps on my watch. He raises his hand ready to swing at his GF and I stop him.

β€œHey,” I say to him. β€œYou will not be hitting a woman, not on my watch.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTheGoof
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2022
🚨︎ report
My son took my joke and turned it in to a long con prank. So proud!

True story. Yesterday he and I were peeling mangoes to make popsicles and ice cream. The peeler caught the tip of my finger and cut my nail just to bleeding short. So I yelled ow! And everyone said what!?

I showed them my finger and as they cringed I said - well I guess whoever gets the fingernail wins a prize!

Grossed out and groaning at the dad joke everyone walked away.

So the fingernail did not come off no one will really get it…but… wait for it… my son (11) in true +1 dad style humor says I’m going to put a piece of rice in one! I said oh son that is so good let’s put a piece of rice in each of them!

I was floored and I can’t wait for people to hit the rice grain while licking their popsicles and remembering β€œthe fingernail”!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Emerson, Lake, and Palmer walk into a bar . . .

Picture it. June, 1971. London.

Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer are celebrating the release of their album Tarkus at the Seven Stars Pub.

Very quickly, both ELP and their BACs are riding high.

Nothing can spoil this evening.

Enter King Crimson, their bitter rivals in experimental jazz-fusion symphonic rock.

A chill hits the air, but they manage some level of civility.

Fripp even manages to put aside his seething anger at Lake for defecting to Emerson's new project and stands a round for all.

It's unclear exactly when Hawkwind arrives, but the strained emotions soon give way to genuine cheer and good will.

Lemmy, their basist at the time, could have that effect on people.

Unfortunately, he also later looks directly at Lake, points at Fripp and company and asks, "Waren't you wiv his lot?"

The police report explains that the ensuing fracas lasted for about 30 minutes at caused at least Β£4,500 (Β£56,604.93 in 2021, or $78,480.75) in damages, several broken bones and uncounted stiches.

The scrum finally calms down after Peter Gabriel, who was [throwing darts](https://darthelp.com/articles/the-history-of-darts/#:~:text=M

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RevRob330
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s a crash test dummy’s favorite song?

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jzerene
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Gerry walks into a bar

He hits his head and falls to the floor. He's the worse doing the limbo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
So, there's some robbers going into a bank

You know the drill. AK47s, skimasks, the works. Anyway, they tell everybody to lie down on the floor. All the people in the bank hits the floor but this old man. He is still standing. So, the robbers tells him, not very politely i might add, to lie down on the floor.
Old man: "Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm CIA"
Robbers: "We don't give a shit, get on the floor NOW!"
Old man: "Nope. I'm CIA."
Old mans wife: "Walt, for Gods sake. You're not CIA, you're senile!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tgglas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm taking an improv class [shaggy dog]

and today, we were playing a game of "Yes, Let's!" If you're unfamiliar, that's a group improv exercise where one person says "Let's do a thing!" and everybody else replies "Yes, let's!" and then proceeds to act out the scene. After acting out said scene, somebody freezes, then everybody freezes, and then someone else starts one.

In this case, it was "Let's go to a Michael Jackson tribute concert!" Now, we'd just been coached to assume distinct roles in an attempt to construct a coherent narrative, and so I, as an awkward, scrawny, blond white man, slipped effortlessly into the role of a shitty Michael Jackson impersonator. And I must have been doing something right, because the rest of the group quickly formed a scene as the audience, security, and crew, and stupidity ensued as I sucked at being Michael Jackson for all I was worth.

A few people started heckling, and then one of the audience members barged past security and mimed punching me in the head, whereupon I dramatically spun and dropped to the floor with a resounding THUD (knowing how to fall is a useful skill). The reaction was about a third laughs, a third stage-gasps, and a third just confusion. But I did get a few compliments after the exercise on my impression and my theatrics.

So I'd say that was a pretty big hit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
Old man dadjoked the doctor in the Emergency Room

Old man in the room next to my roommate's was checked in since he had a big fall and probably broke something.

Doctor - "Do you remember what happened when you fell?"

Old Man - "Well...I hit the floor."

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teH_wuT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Meth Dealer [OC]

So a meth dealer is trying to expand his territory into a local school back in the late 90's. He's having a really hard time until he hits on a marketing phrase: "Meth is illin'!" For some reason, that closes every sale he tries to make at the school. It starts with the students, but then he gets some of the faculty as customers and he has one dealing the stuff. For some reason, every single time, when he says "meth is illin'!" he closes the deal. Even the administrators can't seem to resist his catchphrase.

But then his contact on the faculty alerts him to a problem -- the janitor is going to figure out what's going on, and he's going to shut everything down. The teacher is scared of the guy, but our dealer has gained so much confidence in himself that he cannot worry. He waits for the janitor on his morning route.

"Hey man, don't you know? Meth is i-"

But before he can even finish the sentence, the janitor has sprayed floor cleaner in his eyes, hit him in the gut with his mop, and crammed him in a trash can. The dealer is arrested and immediately convicted.

TL; DR: Do not fuck with "meth is illin'!" resistant staff.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SadEaglesFan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Coworker got me with this one..

So, we're installing some TVs for a hotel. I notice the protective plastic on one of them has a boot print on it.

Me: Who stepped on that TV?

Coworker: Hmm. Must be a floor model.

The joke was getting bigger as it flew through the air. Then it hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/solventbubbles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Too Soon?

My dad and I go visit my grand mother at her nursing home. We walk into her room and she had fallen on the floor and hit her head. Blood had pooled beside her. As the nurses come and get her into a chair her white hair was completely covered in blood, first thing my dad says after yelling for the nurses "at least we know what she would look like as a red head."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EhBurds
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
🚨︎ report
My father on modern art

My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.

We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.

"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"

Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.

My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.

A photograph... of a green screen.

There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"

To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...

... it's green."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Habefiet
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
🚨︎ report
The misses is on a fast track to dad jokes...

My fiancee knocked on to the floor at a friends house, a single slice cake we had got from Smith's; comes packaged in a small, square plastic container, and was still in the container when it hit the carpet. I still proceeded to give her a hard time saying she did it on purpose, etc. As she reached over to pick it up she accidentally dipped her shirt on to the top of a caramel covered brownie she was eating. She sat back up and noticed the caramel circle covering the nipple of her shirt, and without second thought cries, "Aww man, caramel's a bitch."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsonlythreeyears
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2015
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.