Last night, my husband dreamt I cheated on him with a professional football player & several Frenchmen.

He walked by me as I was scrolling through reddit and said β€œI’d better not see any Frenchmen Oui Oui on your screen.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jillinkla
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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I’m really bad at math and telling jokes...

...I tried to tell a series of jokes to my friend to see if any would cheer him up. No Pun In Twelve Did.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Good pun for a stoner neighbor named Cole?

Moved into a new apartment complex, me and a dude named Cole hit it off really hard. He is very obviously a HARDCORE stoner... I wanna stop calling him Cole and start calling him something that puns off his name Cole. Any suggestions??

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidImAPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning

He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EasyTigrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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My friend asked me what I post on Reddit.

I told him they r/puns.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonthecloser
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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A truly epic win

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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Concussion puns?

My friend got a concussion and I want to send him a concussion pun. It could be wishing him well but not required. Ideas?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/offlebagg1ns
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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Presented dad with a bottle of wine

And noticed that he'd open it when I visited today. So I ask him "how was the wine?". Instantly he replies "Divine".

I should mention that English is not our native language, but we use it to communicate. Never have I expected him to make puns in English.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_form
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2015
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Dad joked a coworker

The guy that sits next to me at work was cleaning out his drawer. He knows that I like tea, and found some in the drawer.

Coworker " Hey, Here's some cranberry apple tea you can have."

(I didn't even think, The dad joke just happened)

Me " Cranberry Apple huh? That's not really my.. Cup of.. Tea"

Him "Groan, nice pun"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedColorado
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
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The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "

I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.

I call him Dr. Awkward.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, β€œDoctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, β€œSorry, I don’t follow you."

πŸ‘︎ 791
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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My son left home to become a mime

We haven't heard from him since

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?

Twice dragons.

Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use β€œWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβ€˜s for the kind words and awards.

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jruff84
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Despite being an electrical engineer, my son couldn't fix the circuit

So I grounded him

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnooRobots3440
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

πŸ‘︎ 383
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.

But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 423
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I named my dog "Happy New Year"

when I call him in every night, the neighbors think I've lost my mind

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChangeNew389
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks...

He found his way to the men's department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl. "No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week," declared the salesgirl. "No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines," repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack," offered the salesgirl. "No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines," insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality," the salesgirl probed. "No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here," fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience. "No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines," the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed, "Β‘Eso sΓ­ que es!"

"Why didn't you just spell it in the first place?!" yelled the salesgirl.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyberentomology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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I had a legless dog called Cigarette.

Every morning I took him out for a drag.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Worrubnedia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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My dog is huge but he isn’t very good-looking, smart or obedient.

I suppose you could call him a Good Dane.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StandbyBigWardog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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I saw another coworker using the mayonnaise with my name on it from the fridge in the break room.

I said to him, β€œWhat the Hellman?”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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My brother was afraid of venturing into agriculture...

I told him to grow a pear.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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A traveling salesman offered me a deal on a coffin.

I told him that's the last thing I need.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeauxJoeStuff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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My friend David lost his ID

Now I have to call him Dave.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hades-black
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him thats bat shit in Seine

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chilidog0572
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacksminecraftdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Fog

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says β€œWhat do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks β€œbetter humour him” so says β€œ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says β€œNo Sir, I said β€œWhat do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Did you guys know that Napoleon was super skinny?

That is why they call him napoleon boney parts.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/osbomh48
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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I saw a guy drop all his Scrabble letters across the road.

I had to ask him, what's the word on the street.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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A policeman told me my dog is chasing people on a bike.

I told him my dog doesn't even have a bike.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."

The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_L_v_e_S
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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A length of rope walks into a bar and orders two shots...

the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, β€œ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, β€œ No, I’m a frayed knot”.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the horse get a divorce

His wife and him werent in a stable relationship

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlessedThree_2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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The world tongue twister champion just got arrested.

I heard they're going to give him a really tough sentence...

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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A man has been found guilty of using too many commas.

The judge told him to expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elwheelio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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A Tibetan bull walks into a bar, hoping to pull off a swindle.

The bartender looks at him and says, β€œYou must be here for a cognac.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
They tortured George Washington after he died.

They had him drawn and quartered.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimmybuffetkol
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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The guy who invented the Hokey Pokey died last week.

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealerBrogan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I need β€œBeau” puns!!

Please post your best Beau (my bfs name) puns. I’m making him a note jar for Valentine’s and I’m short on puns. I already have Bodacious, Beautiful, and beaucoup (bookoo)

Post just a word or a short joke. Thanks guys!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoblinQueen1998
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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My friend David lost his ID today

Now I call him Dav.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crown92royal
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report

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