I once asked a Hawaiian if he had a high pitched laugh.

He said mahalo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jetz92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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I don't like high-pitched noises.

Listening to them hertz too much.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
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What did Heinrich Hertz say when he heard a high-pitched sound?

My ear hertz.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GedT1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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My rental car is making a really high pitched noise.

It Hertz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_UR_MACHINING
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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I don't like high-pitched singers.

They put me in a world of hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
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My Favorite Dad Joke

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fracturedsplintX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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Future wife wears support socks.

Future wife was getting ready for work and put on these socks that I hadn't seen before. I asked what they were and she said they were supportive socks... I immediately grabbed one out of her drawer and put it on my hand like a sock puppet and spoke with a high-pitched muppet voice.

Puppet: You look nice today.
Puppet: You're going to have a great day.
Puppet: You can do it!
Her: What are you doing?
Puppet: Being supportive.
Me: <laughs>
Her: Oh my God.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevebobmike
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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On the dad joke scale, I got my first ever eye-roll and sharp exhale WITH a walk out of the room from my wife!

Me: Today was an awful day at work

Wife: Are you serious? Tell me about it

Me: I’m not Sirius, I’m your husband. And Itt was a short, hirsute creature who looked short of like a haystack with sunglasses; he was Gomez’s cousin and spoke in high pitched gibberish all the time. Now if we could get back to my day...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mfitzy87
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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My wife and I went to see a marriage counsellor. "Have you guys been having sex?" she asked.

"Yes," we replied.

"Tell me about the frequency," the marriage counsellor probed.

"Well, he's a little bit too high-pitched for my liking," replied my wife.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, β€œwe know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”

The man says right back to the CEO, β€œI’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says β€œI’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says β€œare you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”

The man looks back at him and says β€œwell, in this business time is moneyβ€” so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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You hear that sound?

It's so high pitched. It Hertz my ears.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Velvet0wl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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Wife: Do you like the food I made? Me: Yes. Wife: You can always give me feedback...

Me: (In high pitch voice) EEeeeeeeOOoooooooo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seventhlaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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How to get your kid to stop picking his nose around you.

When I was a kid, any time my dad saw me picking my nose, he would say:

"Hey, is that a diamond in your nose?"

Me: "What? No."

Him: "Oh IT'SNOT?? ***IT'S SNOT???***"

After the first couple times, I stopped responding. The worst part is that he eventually stopped caring whether I humored him or not and would just jump right into the punchline.

"Is that a diamond in your nose? OH, IT'S SNOT??" And then he would just laugh hysterically, and say it again while he was recovering from his laughing fit. "IT'S SNOT?!?!?" He'd probably say it 5 or 6 times while increasingly losing his shit each time until his words were just incoherent. I used to think he was laughing at the joke itself, but now I'm pretty sure that the more straight/annoyed my face was, the funnier the whole bit was for him, which explains why he would laugh harder and harder as he went on with it. Then he'd finish with one of those high pitched 'laugh-ending' sighs and wipe his eyes. God it was obnoxious.

I can't wait until I'm a dad and I get to use it.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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My boss just stared at me while his brain melted

On a road trip back home from a job, we pulled into the gas station with another truck from the BNSF railroad. We parked next to each other, and since he got there first,we had to wait for him to get out of the truck.

I ask my boss, "So, do you know how long he's been working on the railroad?"

He was very confused and didn't know what the hell I was talking about so in a high pitched falsetto I sang, "All the live long day!"

Pretty quiet ride after that.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whittler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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A Few of my Father In-Laws Favorite jokes and sayings.

As a man with 3 daughters, hormones are often mentioned. Each time one of his girls says the word "hormone" he always chimes in with: Well, you know what sound a hormone makes, right? "Oooooh yeaaah Mike (in a high pitched voice)" Get it? Whore moan...

And he often tells his kids: "if you had a brain, it would be lonely."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rcottle86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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I topped off a round of cheesy jokes with an epic dad joke

I was telling some jokes to a friend while grabbing a cup of coffee and my very last one tanked pretty hard. While I was leaving he said, "You should have left on a high note!" I immediately apologized and sang a nice, high pitched note on my way out the door.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebestisyetocome
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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DadJoke Commitment

My dad's favorite movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart. If you haven't seen the movie, you won't get this.

So, my dad changed his text-tone on his phone to a really high-pitched "diiing!". And I shit you not, every time, without fail, whenever he gets a text, he says, "Another angel just got his wings!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumble__Cakes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
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We went to go see a play

There was a dad behind me.

His wife asked, "what row are we in?"

He said, "dolphin row."

She looked confused and like she had enough of his shit.

He smiled and said "E. Like a dolphin." Then he broke out into a high pitch dolphin squeal, "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

The depth of her sigh took five years off my life.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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Grandad joke

So I am going on my first international business trip and it is to Switzerland. I receive a text from gramps out of the blue, "I heard you are going to learn how to yodel. Say in a high pitch voice 'a little old lady who!'"

me: Facepalm. "Love you too Grandpa"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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My dad hit some high schoolers HARD

So I was at a hotel recently for a wedding. It just so happened that the hotel was also hosting a DECA (high school business/entrepreneurship extra-curricular) conference while we were there. My family got into an elevator with a few of the participants, and immediately, my dad turned to them and asked, "So do you have an elevator pitch?" I've never felt such an immaculate combination of pride and embarrassment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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