Theres 3.3 million people in here so I figured id go ahead and post that im looking for one night stand.

Matter of fact, make it 2. I need one for each lamp.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kriskidd21
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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Pun request?

Not sure if this is allowed here. But I thought Iโ€™d give it a try.

Iโ€™m buying a stand mixer for my SOโ€™s birthday. I was looking to add a note to the gift thatโ€™s punny. โ€œI hope the treats you make with this are as sweet as youโ€. That ones terrible. I think?

But I would definitely love some help. Thank you.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/OMWasap
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Iโ€™m at my school talent show and this guy said...

โ€œbefore I start, I would like to check if my mic is working..โ€ โ€œif your name is Michael, please stand upโ€

then a couple of guys stand up and he goes

โ€œthat concludes my mike checkโ€

(I saw this tweet and just had to share it!) Click here for credit

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Hot dog stand

A guru walks over to a hot dog stand and says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

The vendor makes a hot dog with all the toppings and hands it to the guru and says, "Here's one with everything, that will be $3.50 please."

The guru takes the hot dog and gives the vendor a $10.00 bill...

The vendor takes the money and puts it into his bag without give the guru any change...

The guru says, "Hey, where's my change?"

The vendor patiently replies, "Change must come from within.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfowler11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KW-DadJoker
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Bad collection of puns

Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.

  1. What does McDonalds say to the tray when it betrays them? "You traytor!"
  2. Does Spider Man live in an egg? Because i heard he lives in New Yolk.
  3. These puns aren't very eggciting.
  4. lettuce taco bout it?
  5. I will asalt you with puns!
  6. What if your problem involves telling a phone? JUST TELEPHONE ALREADY!
  7. What if Jake stands close to Johnny when talking? He Here's Johnny!
  8. Stop asalting my hard with your judging pursesonality!
  9. I'll play the Yandere Simulater later.
  10. You herd about that show? It's called Spongebob Swearpants.
  11. Why did you diss stew me? (kinda hard to get, but just say it out loud.)
  12. What does someone say sarcastically in the middle of an intense war that was caused by someone? TANKS TO YOU!
  13. What type of plane that loves bounce? Boeing!
  14. How many money did we owe? It said it on the letter right? I don't know, you should've reddit!

I'm sorry for the cringe...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Titanium_Steel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postย to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 90
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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The gunslinger walks through the saloon doors...

and he just stands there, surveying the assemblage as the room goes quiet. And suddenly he yells, "All you dirty bastards, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

And the crowd rushing the exists raises a cloud of dust, obscuring vision. When it settled, the gunslinger notices one little wizened old man tucked in a corner beside the piano. The gunslinger walks over, his spurs making a small jingling sound. He stands in front of the still-seated old man. "WELL?," he demands.

The old man looks up earnestly into the gunslinger's face, "Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't ther?".

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Shagata_Ganai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, โ€œNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, โ€œMy wife told me to stand here.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 29
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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50 people swindled!

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, โ€œRead all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!โ€

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, โ€œThereโ€™s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.โ€

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, โ€œRead all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!โ€

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/50-people-swindled/

๐Ÿ‘︎ 54
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rocknocker
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Rosemary is brought home to new fridge.

She observes the other herbs with much interest and notes one herb stands out as the clear leader of the pack. She asks her only friend so far Marjoram who that is. Marjoram says: โ€œIn here, heโ€™s kind of a big Dill.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/citizenvane
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla โ€ฆ Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey โ€ฆ Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe โ€ฆ Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure โ€ฆ Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch โ€ฆ Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl โ€ฆ Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec โ€ฆ Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin โ€ฆ Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette โ€ฆ Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader โ€ฆ Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki โ€ฆ Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish โ€ฆ Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank โ€ฆ Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo โ€ฆ Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia โ€ฆ Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis โ€ฆ Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni โ€ฆ Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium โ€ฆ Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon โ€ฆ Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester โ€ฆ Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia โ€ฆ Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan โ€ฆ Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff โ€ฆ Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous โ€ฆ Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni โ€ฆ Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur โ€ฆ Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera โ€ฆ Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple โ€ฆ Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino โ€ฆ Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter โ€ฆ Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia โ€ฆ Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone โ€ฆ Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark โ€ฆ Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki โ€ฆ Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery โ€ฆ Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric โ€ฆ Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank โ€ฆ Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma โ€ฆ Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass โ€ฆ Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella โ€ฆ Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe โ€ฆ Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa โ€ฆ Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente โ€ฆ Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda โ€ฆ Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike โ€ฆ Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum โ€ฆ Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey โ€ฆ Miss

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RayZinnet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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Sudden Urge to get Naked

(x-post from /r/TalesFromRetail)
[was told I should post it here as well]

This happened shortly after I started back to work in retail.

My grocery shift had just started and I was about to begin facing one end of an aisle when I spotted a man in his mid to late 30s at the other end of the aisle. We made eye contact and he made a beeline straight for me.

Me: "Hi. How are you today?"
Him: "Do you know what to do if you get a sudden urge to strip off all your clothes and run around naked in public?"

Now, at this moment, I'm not sure what's happening. I can't pick up any clues from his body language that would indicate where this conversation is going to go. I'm a wee bit concerned that this man is about to start taking off his clothes in front of me. Not exactly what I had planned for the day. He's staring at me intently, waiting for a reply. I don't want to spook him, so I do the only thing I can think of and that's just to stand there and stare at him silently.

After a few seconds, he says to me "Just spray yourself down with Windex. It prevents streaking. Have a nice day!"

He grins and walks away. I started laughing (a little too hysterically ... mostly because of relief).

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/unicorn_brew
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2014
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An Englishman, A Frenchman, A Spaniard and A German go to a magic show

They arrive late so all the seats were taken. The 4 gentlemen decide to stand in the narrow walkway at the back, one behind the other.

The Magician on stage notices the commotion, and asks the gentlemen:

"Can you all see me from there?"

So the gentlemen reply in order:

"Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."

(Note: I didn't find a joke similar to this on here, but if you did post this joke before, please let me know ๐Ÿ˜‰)

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AlduinIsAGeordie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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Newton, Pascal and Einstein were playing hide and seek.

Einstein was the seeker. While Pascal ran to hide behind a tree, Newton just stood behind Einstein, while drawing a 1 by 1 meter square with a marker and standing in it. "Ready or not, here I come!" shouted Einstein. "Found you Newton!" "No, you found Pascal!" said Newton

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lokwaileong2003
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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The air conditioning is too cold?

My classroom has air conditioning, but it only kicks in on warm days like today. When my fifth graders came in this morning, a couple immediately started complaining. "It's freezing in here!"

I had been waiting for this opportunity all year! I pointed to the corner of the room. "Well, if you're cold, you can go stand over there. The corner is 90ยบ!"

The best part was the chorus of incredulous students shouting "really?!" who then went over to investigate. It wasn't until they pointed out that the temperature was same over there that they realized they had been duped.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 78
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/spacecatapult
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 07 2015
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Horse Puns

Funniest horse puns and jokes

A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: โ€œHey, weโ€™ve got a whisky named after you.โ€ The horse replies: โ€œWhat, George?โ€


A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. โ€œEveninโ€™โ€ says the barman, โ€œwhy the long face?โ€


A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: โ€œWait you canโ€™t come in here without a tie.โ€The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: โ€œThis alright?โ€ The barman says: โ€œHmm, okโ€ฆ but donโ€™t be starting anything.โ€


A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: โ€œI shouldnโ€™t really be drinking this with what Iโ€™ve got?โ€ โ€œWhy, what have you got?โ€ โ€œAbout ยฃ2 and a carrot.โ€


Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside Whatโ€™s a horseโ€™s favourite TV show? Neighbours


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?,โ€ he asks The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€


Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!


A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.

โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sir,โ€ says the barman. โ€œWe donโ€™t serve spirits..


A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. โ€œExcuse me, good sir,โ€ the horse says, โ€œare you hiring?โ€ The manager looks the horse up and down and says, โ€œSorry, pal. Why donโ€™t you try the circus?โ€ The horse nickers. โ€œWhy would the circus need a bartender?โ€


Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.


What did the horse say when it fell? โ€œIโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!โ€


Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horseโ€™s name was Friday.


Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!


What did the horse say when it fell? Iโ€™ve fallen and I canโ€™t giddyup!


What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?


What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 04 2017
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x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to $xxx.xx.

C: Do it

Fuck, he's one of these guys...

Me: Alright then, I just need a name and signature on this disclaimer we have.

At this point, I've taken their phone and am prepping to work on it.

C: Do I have to use my real name?

PAUSE Now, over the 2+ years I've worked here, I have never heard this question. So I was kind of taken by surprise by it. For a minute, I thought he was one of those paranoid people. PLAY

Me: Um.. Well I guess you don't have to. It's preferred since we can look you up in our system faster later.

C: Oh ok.

I turn back around and start to use my tools on the phone when customer guy throws me another curve ball question.

C: Can my daughter still play the piano when this is done?

I manage to turn and see him smirking a little and go back to his serious poker face so I pick up that he's joking.

Me: Well I would hope so. Slight laughter

C: Oh ok great! She's never even touched one before so it's good to hear her skill won't change in the slightest.

I'm on the verge of outright laughing at this point. I manage to hold it back and finish my repair. I snap her grumpy cat case back on, hand her phone back when she mentions the home button isn't working.

Oh that's an easy fix

Me: Ah, don't worry. Give me one second and I'll have that fixed.

C: One. Try it now "Insert girls name"

Me: Haha well I haven't done what I need to yet.

I pull out a giant clear bag half full of spare parts.

**

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 115
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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My SO left me. Our dauther is only 20 months old.

Hi /r/dadjokes. My girlfriend, who am still love, left me yesterday. My wolrd is just being destroy. Even if the separation goes great, I will lose my daughter for days at the time. I can't stand that I won't be there with her every day, every morning when she wakes up.

Anyway. I don't want to bother you to much. It's just that /r/dadjokes is my favorite sub. I think I need some laugh. So here it goes, dads, do your magics.

--->I'm sad<---

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Brunovitch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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I dad-joked my wife. We don't even have any kids.

We were driving through a rural area near here when we went past an abandoned horse track, complete with stands etc.

She was pointing it out and saying "oh look, there's even the ticket booth!" and the like when she spots the horse stalls in a falling down old building.

She said "Do you think those are stables?"

I looked over at them and replied "Hmm. I don't think so. I mean, they don't look very stable to me!"

It was such a good joke that I laughed myself horse.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theredkrawler
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
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My dad just celebrated 10 years sober.

Not in a row though, 20 minutes here, 3 hours there...

(My dad is actually starting to do stand up and I just watched a video of him and he said this verbatim)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IONTOP
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2014
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Designated Driver

I'm not usually one for bars, but since the smoking ban in Illinois, they're not so bad. I'm not much of a drinker either, but this one place in particular offers free soft drinks for designated drivers of groups of three or more. You have to get them from a location separate from the bartender. You declare yourself upon entering the place, then your hand is marked, and from that point, you're not allowed alcohol, but you get the free soft drinks.

Their specialty is their own brand of a mixed fruit drink that's really good. It's popular enough that you're usually standing behind six or seven people to wait your turn. So, Saturday night, while I'm waiting for mine, this cute blonde walks up behind me. I figured I'd try to be witty and asked her, "Can I buy you a drink?"

She scowled at me with, "Well aren't you the funny one?"

"What's with the attitude?" I asked her.

"Sorry," she said. "It's them." And she thumbed toward a table with (would you believe it?) a brunette and a redhead.

"Why?" I asked. "What'd they do?"

"I'm just getting sick of it," she said. "Every time we come here, it's always me in the punch line."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Myntrith
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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My dad got me good as a kid...

I was told this belonged here..

When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"

After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 79
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/beer_knurd
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2015
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Dad joked my coworker, hard.

So at the restaurant where I work, managers are referred to as "PICs" (pronounced "pick"). This stands for Person in Charge. Its stupid, I know. Anyway, I work in the front of house, and I hear my coworker James, who works in the kitchen, yell through the order window; "I NEED TO SEE A PIC. I NEED A PIC OVER HERE! CAN I SEE A PIC?"

I walked over and stared at him through the order window. While maintaining eye contact I slowly inserted my finger into my nose and rotated it. He gaped at me, open-mouthed.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"You asked to see a pick."

And then I laughed for like ten straight minutes while he shook his head in pity.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/noramacsbitch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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Dad joke that almost ended in 911 call.

I came downstairs from taking a shower. Everything was going great ... Until I looked out in the kitchen and saw my dad sprawled out facedown on the floor. I only saw his bottom half, and I was too afraid to look through the doorway and see what the hell happened. I instantly freaked out and started yelling. I don't even remember what I said, but it was something like "What's going on?!?" or "What happened here?!?!" I don't even know what was going on in my head. I thought he passed out or had a heart attack or something. My dog was standing over him staring, looking really confused.

I pulled out my phone and tried to dial my mom, but I was too nervous. Then I realized that was stupid and I should call 911. (Keep in mind I was so panicked/freaked out that I hadn't even seen his face... If he died or something I didn't want to see it. I was terrified.) The whole time I was yelling "What happened??! What's going on?!?!" I dialed the 9, maybe the 1...

And he stands up, laughing. He wanted to see how I would handle the situation. His explanation was he "thought it would be funny to see how I'd act."

I can't unsee it. I honestly thought he collapsed from a heart attack or something. He thought the whole thing was hilarious.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Saarnath
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
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A dad joke from my record store days

I used to work at a record store in my younger years (read: my 20's). Im working with my friend Tony and the store is dead. A guy walks in and approaches the counter where we are both standing. After the usual greeting, the guy asks "Where do y'all keep the Little Feat". Without missing a beat, I say "in little shoes." I break out laughing, while Tony says "it's right over here in pop. I'll show you". I continued to laugh for about 20 minutes.

Also, no one ever finds this funny. It still makes me chuckle.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/veryundude77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine.... (apologies to u/buddybd)

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IranRPCV
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarineโ€ฆ

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

โ€œGo stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope.โ€

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

โ€œSon Iโ€™m changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes.โ€

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. Heโ€™s cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

โ€œListen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters.โ€

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

โ€œHey there,โ€ says the recruit. โ€œis it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I havenโ€™t kept one position for more than 15 minutes!โ€

The crewman says โ€œOh yeah- this sub is full of reposts.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 187
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Anthonybrose
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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Go stand in the corner.

My teacher dropped this one in math class today.

Girl: it's so cold in here

Teacher: why don't you go stand in the corner

Girl: [confused look] why?

Teacher: because it's 90 degrees over there

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Wafflizer5000
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29 2014
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A beaver goes into a bar ...

He sees a man standing behind the bar and asks,"Is the bar tender here?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shdchko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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A beaver goes into a bar

He sees a man standing behind the bar and asks,"Is the bar tender here?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shdchko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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Dad struggles to tread water in the deep end

โ€œI canโ€™t stand it here!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alexanderplam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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Co-worker just dad-joked me

"Wow, it's pretty cold in here."

"Did you know that when you're cold you can stand in the corner of the room to keep warm?"

"What? Why?"

"Because it's always 90 degrees!"

This is not his first time dad-joking me.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/furcoatz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 16 2016
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Friend's dad said this the other day

My friend: Dad it's cold in here dad: Go stand in the corner My friend: Why? dad: The corner is 90 degrees

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ItsFranklin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 25 2014
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My Dad just dropped this one while watching the news...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Jake261
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 06 2014
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Go stand in the corner.

Me: Dad it's freezing in here, can we just turn up the heat! Dad: Why do that when you can just stand in the corner? Me: How does that help me at all? Dad: Because corners are always 90 degrees :D! Brother (in the kitchen): UGHHHHHH

๐Ÿ‘︎ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ltj10
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2013
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