Nurse: Here is the list of heart, liver and kidney donors arranged in alphabetical order.
Doctor: Thank you. It is very organ-ized.
How do you win the heart of a female Farmer?
My dad has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Did you hear about the criminal who had a heart attack while running from the police?
He went into cardiac arrest.
A guy told me the size of my heart matters more than my physical size.
Good thing I went to the cardiologist before the gym.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
What did the heart say to the brain before an exam?
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
The cast of “Friends” got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
If “a dream is a wish the heart makes...”
Does that make a fart a nightmare of the stomach?
What kind of bird doesn’t know the words to their own song?
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
What did the farmer say when all of his haystacks were stolen?
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
The true cost of takeout:
What is the smelliest kind of ox?
Friend of mine asked why I took a side job at the bakery
I told him I don’t knead the dough, but I do get a rise out of it
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
If Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God
Does that mean that Mary had a little lamb?
Some people were arguing about the most important part of a kitchen.
"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."
But another person said,
"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"
The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
What did the piece of wood say when it had nothing to do?
A lot of people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology.
I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.
Why did the student throw a 64 pack of Crayola crayons at his art teacher after he was done with his test?
He wanted to pass with flying colors.
I thought of that myself.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
My granddad has the heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from London zoo.
My grandfather had the heart of a lion
And a permanent ban from the nearby zoo
I have the eye of a tiger and the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
My dad has a heart of a lion!
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
My grandpa has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
My grandfather has the heart of a lion...
...and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.
My old grandad has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
My son has the heart of a lion....
And a lifetime ban from the zoo!
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