A list of puns related to "Head To Toe"
I've never been more ensalted in my life
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
I hate you from my head to-ma-toes.
Seller : I like you from my head TO-MA-TOES
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.
On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.
Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.
Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.
"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."
"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"
Motherfucker.
So I am divorced. My kids live in a different state than me at this time. This morning I called to talk to my daughter (5) about her getting into cheerleading. About halfway through the conversation, I dropped an old gem from my Dad. It ruined the phone call.
Me : "Hey baby girl, you wanna hear a story"
Her : "What now?"
Me : (giggling inside because the tone in her voice already said " FUCK, walked right into this.")
"I was driving to work the other day and an ambulance drove past me fast and a side door opened up. A box fell out, so I stopped to get it. Guess what was in it baby girl?"
Her : "What?"
Me : "A human toe."
Her : falling for it. Dad's know this sound in the voice.
"Eeeewwww. Then what?"
Me : "I called the tow truck!" FUCKING BOOM
Her : "Ok I'm hanging up now, byeeeeeeeeeieeee."
And she really hung up. I love to think she is cursing me in her little head right now...but she'll use it later. They always do.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.
tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job
Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not — when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.
As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.
I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though — Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems — so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.
Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.
Son: Dad, can I spend the night at Jim's?
Dad: No, be home in an hour.
Son: But dad please!
Dad: No, be home in an hour.
Dad's friend: Why can't he spend the night at Jim's?
Dad: This would be a back-to-back night sleepover.
Dad's Friend: Why can't they just do to head-to-toe?
Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.
So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
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