Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."

The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.

"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."

EDIT The responses here are incredible! πŸ‘Œ

πŸ‘︎ 169
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lady_emily_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KimKeeling43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
"Hey man so I was walking trough the forest yesterday and I came across this complete freak. He was laughably tall and thin and wore a suit in the woods like a weirdo. I'm certain he's some kind of psycho stalker."

"That's slander, man."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slashycent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
If a woman sleeps with 10 men that means she's a slut. But what does that make a man if he does it?

Gay. Very gay

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday a friend of mine told me he has a new job. He's garbage man now...

well, he didn't let that opportunity go to waste

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/myhomebasenl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.

Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Jewish man tell his barber when he asked how he'd like his haircut?

Just a little off the top

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPeneMcgundy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.

After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RickRocktopus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A man with a guitar walked up to me and said that he had a case of writers block.

Nothing to fret about.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KinglerKong
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way

Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?

(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)

Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.

πŸ‘︎ 283
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Madhur_Gupta_nerd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the man say when he found out the milk man was sleeping with his wife?

How dairy!

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tendiemancan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend told me he already turned the clocks forward an hour in the kitchen. I told him he is a man ahead of his time.
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/haimeows
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A man had his car stolen by a thief in Mexico. When he went to the police...

He reported a Carlos.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/heartbreaker963
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I purchased a new kitchen sink and the delivery man never told me he left in on my doorstep. Sat there all day

Just let that sink in

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.

The dispatcher replied, β€œSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Saw Buzz Aldrin today. Told my friend that he was the second man on the moon.

Neil before him.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FredererPower
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:

"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xoriatis71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.

I said, β€œOi, what’s your game?”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adfunk101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was walking down the beach when he saw someone lying on the sand with a banana shoved in the ear.

Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".

The person replied "what?"

> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"

> "WHAT??"

> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"

> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/defaultorpattern
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A man with a broken arm made a joke. Everyone started laughing. He was...

humerus

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/S3_Spidey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.

The doctor asks, "When did this start?"

Patient replies, "Next Tuesday"

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marycartlizer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A blind man was handed a job offer but he denied it.

He said he isn't looking forward to work with them.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeHL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.

I couldn't sway him.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Tell a man there are three hundred billion stars in the universe, and he believes you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he has to touch it to be sure.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A man goes to a beekeeper and asks for 12 bees. He counts, and sees he has been given 13....

β€œSir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies β€œOh, that’s a freebie”

πŸ‘︎ 153
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MARKHENRY88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Parisian man say when he tripped?

"Oh no! Eiffel!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoValiant
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
There was a man who read a joke so funny that he died of laughter.

After reading it, the authorities all agreed that it was a killer joke.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A child with a speech impediment is dressed as a pirate. A man asks what are you. He says he is a birate. You mean a pirate? Yes a birate. Oh well then where are your buccaneers?

On each side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/durangozac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A man has no body and no nose. Who is he?

Nobody knows

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PowerfulTour4204
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and he asked for a high five.

The executioner left him hanging.

πŸ‘︎ 340
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A man recently ran up to me announcing that he was a primary color, then instructed me to perform a modern dance trend on the fourth letter of the alphabet and food coloring.

He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the β€œGuess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pasngas42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I knew a man who worked in restaurants his entire life. On his death bed, he told me he regretted that he never left to follow his dreams..

It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AhSparaGus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?

Sorry, wrong bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
i have just been swooned by a man only to discover he’s a career criminal

i guess you could say i felon love

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/____okay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the 2nd richest man, when he moves to Mexico?

Jeff Pesos.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PeeSeaBayBee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Japanese man say when he saw his boy scratch his leg?

1 2, 3?

Edit: read the numbers in Japanese

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is out ice fishing, but not having any luck. But he sees a guy across the lake pulling out fish after fish.

So the man goes over and says β€œI’ve been watching you catch so many fish today, but I’m getting nothing. What’s your secret?”

The other man says β€œMffffmmm mmmm mfffmmmm mmmmm”

The first man says β€œWhat?”

The other man spits something into his hand and says β€œI said, you gotta keep your worms warm!”

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/02K30C1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is incomplete until he’s married.

Then he’s finished.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A man broke his leg in three places. He went to his doctor for advice.

β€œStop going to those places!”

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.