He Hit Me Puns

...an ether/oar situation...

I told him “actually that was a stroke”

"Don't worry, boss said it was ok"

He owns his own business.

Coworker: You do know that those chips have ethanol in them right?

Boss: turns around and looks at me I GUESS THAT'S WHY I AM FULL OF GAS!

But my buddy told me to grow a pair

on any unexpected car ride

Me: "Dad, where are we going?"

Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.

Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH

He said two wrongs don’t make a right. But two Wrights make an Airplane

Me: So why is there and iPhone 7,8, and 10, but no iPhone 9?

Him: 7 ate 9

I say Middle Eastern cuz I honestly forget if he's Iraqi or Iranian. We were getting to know each other, and I asked him to tell me a fable from his country of origin. It went like this:

Ali: In (the town he grew up in), there is a tower. A very very tall tower, many stories high, with only stairs. And legend says that if you climb all the way to the very top...

(pause)

Me: What happens?

Ali: completely straight face You will get very dizzy.

That was it. I thought it was hilarious.

his belt.

Me: Hey we should see the new Pirates movie.

My dad: I've heard they have had a lot of trouble with people pirating that movie.

Me: rolls eyes

Me: "Wow, you can tell this isn't a Lite beer."

Dad picks up the beer and puts it back down

Dad: "Well yeah, it's 16 ounces!"

I was finishing a gig as a fortune teller and in the elevator happy to be going home. An elderly man and his wife joined and he looked at me, smiled, then asked if he could hit me. Confused I laughed and asked why, to which he replied, "I've always been told I should strike a happy medium."

Talking about the size of the screen at Dallas Stadium

Me: I still can't get over it.

Him: Well that's because its too tall.

My dad doesn't offer many "dad jokes" so this was a special moment.

Me: "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

I attempt a kick to the ass but hit nothing

Me: "Oh my God, you have no ass!"

Dad: "I know, your Mom chewed most of it off!"

He answered "just hold the hammer with two hands instead"

We are having a Dolly Parton day......it's a big bust.

Thank you Dad.

"There ya go, now we have plenty of sheet to fight over."

bahaha. Congratulations silly boyfriend - you're goin' on the internets.

So my neighbor and his dad are up on the roof fixing it and spot me leaving with a case of beer. His dad asks if I know about the Cajun Seven Course Meal. I said, "No. What is it?" He replies, "A link of boudin and a six pack."

"Did you hear about the insecure nuclear physicist? He was always fission for compliments!"

A few minutes later, obviously having devoted some though to making me groan even more, he walks back in and says: "Did you hear about the other nuclear scientist who got angry whenever he heard about a scam? He suffered from con-fusion".

/facepalm.

I said "is that a fret?"