Ive never understood school shooting jokes
Geuss they are aimed at a younger audience
penny factories make a lot of sense.
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Heavy Infantry
It was a brief case.
I love that the real dad jokes are the dad's trying to make a second joke based on the post haha. None of them are funny, they're all dry as the Sahara Desert, but like all good dad's, they're determined to keep trying.
Keep it up you silly gooses!
Polished, yeah haha, funny very it is.
A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, “What’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, “What’s in the sack?” The man again replies, “It’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, “Look, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, “Wow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. “This thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, “Can I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. “I wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, “You’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, “I know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
Never mind I shouldn’t spread it
Man: What is your job?
Woman: I’m a doctor
Man: Guess I won’t be needing this *picks up apple and throws it across room*
'Its for security'
'haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
I've had six or seven victims so far, and it's still just as funny as the first time. The only blip was when the wife didn't even blink, and just entered it first time. She knows me too well.
So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!
Her: "Honey remind me to call Denise later."
Him: "What about Denephew?"
Mom walks in
Mom: I have to go to Tuesday Morning to get a new shower curtain.
Dad: But it's Wednesday afternoon? Do you have a time machine?!
Mom: haha you're funny.
Dad: I'm not funny, I'm dad!
....
My fiancé and I were sitting on the couch after dinner and she picked up her empty glass and said, "I'm thirsty."
My eyes lit up like a child on Christmas morning. I turned with entirely too much vigor and extended my hand to her in greeting. And before I could say anything she said, "haha nice to meet you. You're so funny."
Does it still count as a dad joke if you don't even get to say it?
My sister was complaining that all she could buy for underwear was ugly ones because she has wide hips even though the rest of her is skinny. I wasn't really paying attention and said "aw yeah..that's a bummer."
She looked at me like "oh haha very funny." I was confused for a half a second until I thought about what I had just said.
Dad: why did the chicken cross the road. Me: I dunno why. Dad: to get to the idiots house. Me: haha funny.. Dad: knock knock. Me: who's there. Dad: the chicken haha idiot. I fell right into that one.
Heading in to work in the morning and the first thing I see when I walk in the door is a wooden skid. It was pretty dirty. First thought was "I hope that doesn't leave any... skid marks!"
Haha, I found that much more funny than anyone should have.
This would happen way too many times during my childhood and I never learnt... maybe because I couldn't actually find another way to express it.. anyway:
My eye would be sore and hurting really bad
Dad: What's the matter? Me: I've got something in my eye. Dad: Yeah, your eyeball.
-seriously unhelpful while I can't even see properly...thanks Dad-
I have however used it to friends as I got older... they also found it to be rather unhelpful and annoying lol.
True Dad jokes are only funny if you're on the outside of the problem haha.
Dad: "im so poor when i got rob yesterday i had to give them an I.O.U."
Me: "haha"
Dad: "the funny part about it. is that i gave them your name and address. they didnt ask for I.D."
