A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 984
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.

Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ninjalord25
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Why did the snowman have a big smile on his face...

Because he saw the snowblower coming up from down the street.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcastic_beach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

Bump…

Bump…

Bump…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.

Faster…

Faster…

FASTER…

Bump…

Bump…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!

And…

The coffin stops….

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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So, I was in a coffee shop drinking tea, and when I reached down to tie my shoe, my tea was gone!

I saw this guy with the same cup as me and chased him down the street. Finally caught up with him and realized...that’s not my cup of tea

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Two pieces of string slither into a bar...

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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An American, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German man are all watching a street performer

The street performer notices the four men are very far to the back and cannot see, so he stands on a box and continues his performance while asking, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."

"Oui."

"Si."

"Ja."

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Italian restaurants

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitor’s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: β€œThis full pl8, I’m sure you can appreci8. It’s so gr8. Now just dig in don’t hesit8, I sure you don’t want to w8”.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: β€œIs that a copypasta?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-KFAD-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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A church was hiring a new bell ringer

And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.

"I'll show you",said Stan.

They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.

"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."

"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"

"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.

All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.

"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.

Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."

"But his face sure rings a bell"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_pos-tmodern_man
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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My Son: Want to hear a fun fact?

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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We were moving some boxes to my son's car, when he dropped a Scrabble game and the letters scattered everywhere. So I asked him...

"What's the word on the street?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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I’ve been getting into selling socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diggy0101n
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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The school made the use of "bullet points" illegal because it incited violence in the classroom, and I must admit I couldn't have cared less. That's all changed now, though.

The bus driver isn't allowed to drive my kids anymore because we live on a dead end street.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Point finger: β€œwhat’s that?”

My two year old pointed across the street and asked, β€œwhat’s that?”

I tried to guess and he is often trying to learn the names of things. β€œA tree? A car? Grass? A bird?”

No to all of them.

Then he said, β€œit’s a finger.”

I got dad joked by my two year old.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I picked up a U2 version of Monopoly at a garage sale.

It's rubbish. The streets have no name.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.

I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.

Imma wall street banker now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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I was surprised about a pair of sunglasses on the road today

I got them for free, but that's way below street value

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorTom314
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted β€œShe’s trying to get a popsicle out of me.”

I responded β€œBut you’re not a freezer.”

I could feel the eye roll down the street.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/976chip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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The leader of a small settlement had a good life

People were greeting him on the street and were willing to help him when needed. He was respected. He was not waiting in line at the supermarket. He had discounts to all shops he visited. He even had priority in choosing which girl to spend the night with..

However, soon more people started coming to that place. The settlement became bigger, more like a village. The newcomers actually did not care that much about the leader. He was slowly becoming more irrelevant, more equal to everyone else.

He had lost his pre-village.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hornyonion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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What do you Call a monkey slut?

She belongs to the streets

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fhddidk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Why are there no cars in Minecraft?

Because the streets are blocked off.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Remember Matt Damon?

I met a stranger oβ€Œβ€Œn tβ€Œβ€Œhe tβ€Œβ€Œube tβ€Œβ€Œhe oβ€Œβ€Œther dβ€Œβ€Œay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sβ€Œβ€Œaid, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tβ€Œβ€Œapped oβ€Œβ€Œn mβ€Œβ€Œy bedroom wβ€Œβ€Œindow, aβ€Œβ€Œt 1β€Œβ€Œ1.30 pm last nβ€Œβ€Œight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "β€Œβ€ŒRemember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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Did you hear about the rapper that had a weird asphalt fetish?

He came from the streets.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivytheblindhusky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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A hearse is driving up a very steep street

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says β€œDo you have anything to stop this coughin?”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/countryroads8484
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Movie night

Me and the family are staying off the streets these days. Going to stay in and watch a Tentin Quarantino marathon.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/urlordcov
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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Where do zombies live?

On a dead end street.

My 8 year old told this.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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My food truck idea

Food truck with eggs being the theme in every dish.

"The Poach Coach"

Popular dishes:

  1. Eggs Been a Dick (2 poached eggs and 1 average but adequate size sausage)
  2. Omelette that one slide (you're choice of filling, but don't fucking test me)
  3. The Dwight Yolk Em' (served in a plastic cowboy hat to go. Must eat while walking the streets of Bakersfield) 4.The Mr. Burns Eggcellent Scramble (smithered with cheese)
  4. The Quiche a Grey (oralgasmic quiche with a money shot of sausage gravy)
  5. The John Denver Omelette (full of all kinds of shit)
  6. Jesus'ed egg (basically a deviled egg only more judgmental and boiled in holy water)
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibombs85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit out of each other is violent, most of them have never been to a public toilet and hence are unable to realize how much more painful and violent the alternative is.

In summery, beating the shit out of people is a good, legitimate, and affordable alternative to laxatives and is a better, more progressive way, to deal with constipation.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Therapy

A psychiatrist asked his patient if he could remember one life changing moment that really stood out from any others.

He replied. "Why yes. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was running down the street with tears flowing from my eyes crying 'Its a boy, its a boy!' I made a concious decision that day to never visit another brothel in Thailand".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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My wife came back from the store today wearing a shirt with stalks of corn on it.

I asked her if she got a good deal on her new crop top, and she heard me from across the street. Her ears are brand new!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoronaSenpai
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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One my actual father said to me

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street? Well she is now a receptionist in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

Unfortunately, she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:

β€œPicabo, I.C.U.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadar-Kai-Rogue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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Yelled down the street to my daughter while she was walking my FIL's little chihuahua: "Hey did you get that dog on sale??"

It certainly looks like you got it half off!!

I could hear the groan all the way up the street..success!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malbert215
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Three tomatoes walk down the street

Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking down the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind and Papa Tomato gets really angry. So he goes back and squishes him and goes 'catch up'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashur305
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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I bought a U2 GPS and it’s garbage..

The streets have no names and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for..

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisMJacobs1987
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought to myself, β€œThe streets seem strangely desserted…”

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retgits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do rappers like sidewalks?

They kept them off the streets.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Billy35365
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks

For keeping me off the streets

πŸ‘︎ 448
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters while walking down the road.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yaokyle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a copy of MS Office, but I dropped it on the road going back to my car...

...well, that's the Word on the street.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cool-kid103
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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