One day I want to open an Italian restaurant in New York for amnesiacs
It'll be called 'Spageddaboutit'
I received the same newspaper from New York that I got yesterday!
Every 20 minutes a man in New York gets robbed.
My fart just wiped out half of new York.
It was a weapon of ass destruction
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I can’t see you if you don’t move.
What do you call a pig from New York?
If Irving Berlin lived in Montreal instead of New York...
Would he have written ‘Poutine on the Ritz?’
Due to freezing conditions in New York, the mens American Naturist Society....
.....has seen the size of their members shrink dramatically.
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
What's the most dangerous part of New York in the winter?
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
New father here.
Our newborn was sleeping on my chest yesterday. She woke up crying. "Woke up on the wrong side of the dad huh?" I said. She stopped crying.... Felt good.
Sorry New York Jets, but you just can’t score touchdowns.
My new password is: MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDeweyDublin.
Because it said my password had to contain 8 characters and at least one capital.
What do you call an elf that lives in New York City?
What do you call a deer from New York
The twin towers of New York World Trade Center are like genders.
There used to be two, but now they are just a sensitive topic.
Also: The real 9/11 pays respect! The world remembers 9/11.
I have a new pen that can write underwater, and in a volcano and on the north pole.
It can write other things too.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun.
Big deal. I have had a Canon printer for years.
Never ask anyone whether they prefer New York City or Syracuse.
That's comparing apples to oranges.
Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago ?
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
My glitch happened when I forgot to renew my subscription to a weekly news magazine based in New York City.
Theres a lot of tall men around parts of new york
Especially long guy land.
I’m making a new documentary series on how to fly an airplane
We are currently filming the pilot
If someone told me tomorrow is the start of a new month...
Did you hear about the viagara truck hijacked in New York the other day?
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
Matthew McConaughey’s new book is a great read, but he almost didn’t write it…
After some convincing from family and friends he finally said, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
They have great food but no atmosphere
Need a new roof? Let me recommend my sister’s all female company...
Did you hear what the New York Times editor-in-chief said on their last day?
"Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today."
If Mississippi lent Missouri her New Jersey, what did Delaware?
I dated a feminist from New Zealand who hated puns about inorganic substances.
She believed that mineral the same.
I just got a new job in a factory making plastic Draculas. There are only two of us on the production line
so I have to make every second count.
Looking for a friend to try new foods with
Did you hear about this new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu. You get what you deserve.
My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine...
I recently picked up a new hobby making tennis equipment
Unfortunately my wife made me stop after I started making a racket
News just in: In a freak accident today, a man was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair, the people he was photographing did try to warn him.
Saw the trailer for the new Top Gun movie
It looked kinda plane to me
2 cats in New York test pawsitive for Coronavirus
I've started a new business where I am building Bible characters from Lego. First up, Isaiah. I hope to make a major prophet.
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
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