What is green and bad for your eye?

A pool table

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaiser_Fiffi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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I was hanging out with my French friend

We were talking about his daughter Patience, who had contracted an illness and started glowing green. To tell me he sat me down, looked me in the eyes and said; "Patience is a vert hue,".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthTalek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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So, I was telling my kids about the history of eating black-eyed peas and greens on New Year's Day...

[this one is actually technically a mom joke]

...and I was explaining how the practice originated during the American Civil War, but they're still young, so I had to explain how we got into the war.

Me (Dad): "...so the South didn't like what the North was doing and they decided they wanted to quit the country."

Wife (Mom): "AND THEY SECEDED! ... Get it? SECEDED! HAHAHAHHA! It's like succeeded, but it... nobody?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunsOfAluminum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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There is a theory that no two people see a colour the exact same way ipfs.pics/QmZbKhZGWtorqCM…
πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yousosweg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2015
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A man sat in a restaurant....

... he was single and treated himself to a nice evening. Next to his table sat this gorgeus woman. Red hairs, curvy body, green eyes and the most beautiful smile he has ever seen.

He thought about how he could approach her, but just couldn't figure out a good way. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out straight at him. He jumped up and caught it before it hit the ground. They started to talk, one thing lead to the next and they ended up at her place.

A night of sexytime followed, and the next morning he woke up to the smell of fresh toast, eggs and coffee. She awaited him in the kitchen with a great big breakfast.

"No woman has ever treated me so nice.", he said, "You are just perfect. Do you do this for every man you meet?"

"No.", she replied....

"but you just happened to catch my eye."

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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My son texted me saying he'd been robbed by some guy.

"Give me a quick description of what he looked like," I text him.

"Six foot beard with green eyes and a moustache."

I said, "His beard sounds terrifying."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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bi-lingual pun and done

Mom and I were in the car and this conversation happened:

Mom: "that car is such an ugly shade of green"

Me: "I agreen"

Mom: "ha. ha. ha." rolls eyes

Me: "Es la verde-d!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thedoctrix
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: β€œWow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: β€œYeah, well we were married 35 years

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grace832
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2017
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Walgreens

Today i walked into Walgreens with my father. After getting all our stuff we walk to the register where my dad asks the lady why their walls aren't green. Needless to say, I walked out of the store with my head down and eyes on the floor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notaniceman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2013
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Dad joked the frozen aisle

At the grocery store guy gets on the PA and announces "reminder, we've got a great sale in the produce department. Red grapes, green grapes, and black grapes all on sale for 99 cents/pound. It's a great deal"

So I turned to the lady next to me in the frozen aisle and said "more like a... Grape deal"

She just gave a small snort and rolled her eyes...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EndersBuggers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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Dad dropped this bomb at dinner

My mom, sister, and myself are all blonde with blue eyes, but my dad has black hair and green eyes. While discussing our coloring he dropped this on us. My mom-"you're so lucky. With your coloring you can wear nice oranges when we can't." My Dad-"Wouldn't oranges be awful heavy as clothing?" My mom-"just stop."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tearsinmyweave
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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