I've invented a new talent contest where you have to dress up as a sailor and eat spinach as fast as possible....
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 01 2021
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks βwhy should I hire you?β The applicant responded βI have a special talent!β
βOh, and what is this special talent?β Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
βYouβre hired!!β He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked βwho is he?β
The priest responded βI donβt know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!β
π︎ 48
π
︎ Jul 19 2020
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jul 02 2021
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?
Ten tickles!
Of course it only has eight of those.
So the first two were test tickles!
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
Apparently, when someone asks if you have a favorite child,
You're suppose to name one of your own.
π︎ 962
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
What do you call a murder in Greece?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
Have you ever asked windmills how they feel about wind power?
Long story short, theyβre huge fans.
π︎ 173
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
I have a pun for you guys, itβs a one liner
π︎ 344
π
︎ May 13 2021
Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
They have great food but no atmosphere
π︎ 27
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
What do you call a doctor who's off today but might have to come in if it gets busy?
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jul 08 2021
My friend asked me, βIs sex any different after you have a vasectomy?β
I said, βYou donβt notice a vas deferens.β
π︎ 286
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
How do you measure a snake? In inches, because they donβt have feet.
But you measure rattlesnakes in meters, because they have rhythm.
π︎ 127
π
︎ May 29 2021
I'm thinking of entering a talent show. I have two ideas for my act. Either a Blues Traveler cover band, or an impression of Richard Nixon.
I'm hoping to win, by Hook or by Crook.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
Have you noticed that cars are less controllable in video games than in real life?
It's because they're on a hard drive.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
How do you have a party in space?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
Want to have a drink before you taunt someone?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
Have you read the verse about cannibalism in the old testament?
π︎ 74
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
Have you heard of a hole full of soup?
It sounds really stew-pit but it's real.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
Donβt you guys hate it when you have hare in your soup
π︎ 79
π
︎ May 19 2021
A pony walks into a bar and whispers to the bartender, "I'll have a beer, please." The bartender asks, "Why are you whispering?"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery? No?
You donβt know what youβre missing.
π︎ 155
π
︎ May 27 2021
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
Hey, have you heard the joke about lumber
Nevermind I don't want to make you board.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, βCan you describe the symptoms?β I replied, "Sure..."
βTheyβre yellow, Homerβs fat, and Marge has blue hair.β
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jul 02 2021
Iβm afraid you have Tom Jones Disease
Donβt worry there are plenty of other people with it, Itβs Not Unusual
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jun 15 2021
If you only have one conviction can you really be called a man of conviction or do you need more?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind. Iβm not going to spread it.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jun 18 2021
Have you heard the joke about the condiments?
...oh "catchup" already
A real dad joke - made up on the spot and told to 3 groaning teanagers this weekend when we stopped for a bite to eat.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
If you have a pet horse, itβs not a good idea to raise it in a city apartment.
They need to grow up in a stable environment.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jun 12 2021
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillowcases?
They are really making headlines!!!
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jun 05 2021
Have you heard the tragic story about the little bird that became a cardiologist?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
Where do you go when you have a bad case of sea sickness?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 08 2021
What do you call a melon that is facing a lot of pressure to have a big wedding?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
What do you have when you sharpen a pencil?
π︎ 71
π
︎ May 28 2021
Have you heard the joke about butter?
I don't wanna spread it.
Courtesy of my 9 year old.
π︎ 94
π
︎ May 14 2021
Did you know when you are born, you have 4 kidneys?
When you grow up, two of them become adult knees.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 09 2021
How are you gonna be racist and have acne?
Y'all worry about the wrong blackheads.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 21 2021
Who needs a nornal joke when you can have a running joke?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Do you have mice in your home? WD40 is the best solution.
It won't get rid of them,but it will stop them squeaking!
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 30 2021
Have you seen the price of chimneys lately?
Theyβre through the roof!
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 28 2021
Have you heard of the man addicted to drinking brake fluid?
Says he can stop anytime!
π︎ 40
π
︎ May 26 2021
Have you heard the joke about the miniature dumpster?
Iβd tell it here, but itβs a little trashy.
π︎ 28
π
︎ May 26 2021
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asked him, βhow long have you been wearing that bra?β
βEver since my wife found it in the glove compartment.β
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 21 2021
Have you heard about the new Oasis soup ?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 25 2021
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
π︎ 75
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jul 06 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
