Gravity Rush Puns

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

2. You have to rush Limbaugh!

3.My noodle soup doesn't taste that good. It really laksa certain quality.

4.I know its cheesy, but I feel grate!

5. can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

6.How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

7.What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

8.I CAN because I'm a CANadian!

9.I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

10.Never trust atoms, they make up everything.

11.Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.

12.There are plenty of fish in the sea but until I catch one I'm just stuck here holding my rod...

AND MY FAVOURITE! 13.I was at the scene of a crime, it took place at a cartoonists house, we couldnt find work though, it was sketchy.

IM STILL WORKING ON #12 Post your favourite/own pun in the comments, this will now be... Puntastic! Also OGRES ARE LIKE ONIONS! THEY HAVE LAYERS! Chow!