Grass Jokes And Puns

My two year old pointed across the street and asked, “what’s that?”

I tried to guess and he is often trying to learn the names of things. “A tree? A car? Grass? A bird?”

No to all of them.

Then he said, “it’s a finger.”

I got dad joked by my two year old.

This is the exact interaction that took place:

Dad: I have a joke for you

Me: Aight.

Dad: When someone expresses an annoying opinion ask them...

Me: Go on. Im enthralled.

Dad: Deer eat grass, cows eat grass

Dad: Horses eat grass

Dad: Ask: why is deer poop like raisins but cow poop look like paddies and horse look like apple plop

Dad: He or she will say I do not know

Dad: R u ready for punchline?

Me: I was born ready.

Dad: Ok then...

Dad: U say, why do I care what u say when you don't know shit!

Me: I see you learned to text message.

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.

We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actually started crying. He told me this and we both posses ourselves laughing for about 10 minutes.

My dad and I are in the car driving home from school, and we start talking about amazing talents. Suddenly my dad says Dad: "I can do a double backflip" Me: "No way Dad, this is probably some silly dad joke" Dad: "No seriously I can, I watched an 80 year old woman do it on youtube, I'll bet you on it" Me: "Alright fine, show me when we get home"

We get home. My dad goes to the grass to do his famous double backflip. He jumps in the air. Bends his back a bit. Then behind his back he flips the bird with both hands.

Dad: "I guess you owe me for the bet"