What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole?
As we drove past Ikea, my dad began one of his rants “Why do people want Swedish furniture? The fancy closet in my bedroom was built by a good ol’ fashioned local carpenter, none of this foreign import rubbish!” He was surprisingly vocal...
I got assaulted by a group of mimes.
It was horrific. They did unspeakable things.
There once was a large group of people that were fascinated by statistics.
The group ended when they proved to be too mean.
Grandma Jokes anyone? Hit me with your best dad jokes for my Grandma who loves dumb jokes and needs some laughs
I hope this type of post is allowed!
I am going to visit my grandma this Tuesday to say goodbye to her. She is 87 and very ill, she is mentally still with it but in a lot of pain. She sounds at peace, I think she is just doing her best to hang on til we can get to her.
My grandma loves stupid jokes, dad jokes, puns, all that stuff. I’d love to share some laughs with her when I say goodbye. Hit me with your favorite and dumbest dad jokes and I will share the best ones with her.
Thank you Reddit fam!
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
What do you call a person with no arms or legs?
Their name you ableist fuck
What's the best and the worst thing about a petrol station run by cannibals?
There should be a yearly award for best new comic book.
Call it the Stan Lee Cup.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What’s the best kind of turd to eat with a hotdog?
I asked my wife, "Honey, for £50,000, would you sleep with my best friend?"
She said, "Why, yes! But where am I going to get £50,000?"
An anthropologist was cataloging south american folk remedies with the assistance a local tribal elder who indicated the leaves of a particular fern were the best cure for constipation. The anthropologist had doubts.
But the elder insisted "with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."
Why was the farmer given an award for acting as a living scarecrow?
Because he was simply outstanding in his field.
Went to a restaurant with my parents and they were arguing about whether ordering the fries or salad were better to go with the meal so they asked me my opinion.
I said, "Oh, no. I'm not picking sides"
you know what the best part about a house with a septic tank is?
you get to own your own business.
I've been trying to come up with a clever name for an amputee support group.
A group of friends were walking around the beach looking to find a hotel to stay but they were all booked except for one, one of them said:
"Guys, that's our last resort."
For our anniversary, I made and served a nice dinner, with light provided by Amazon.
She always loves Kindle-lit dinners!
A man attends a funeral for his best friend. He approaches the grieving widow, gestures to the podium and asks; "May I say a word?" The widow responds "Of course.."
The man stands up and speaks "Plethora." and steps back down.
"Thank you..." says the Widow, "that really means a lot."
EDIT The responses here are incredible! 👌
I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
When my aunt Penny died she hadn’t cut her hair in 20 years, when we took her to the crematorium it turns out they charged by weight and we couldn’t afford a receptacle for her ashes. I learned an important lesson that day.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
I bought my Daughter a locket with her picture inside, for her 18th birthday..
Just so glad She's now finally independent..
A Jewish man was making tea for a group of his friends
Everyone enjoyed the tea that he brew
Went for a drive with my cat and dog
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
I recently placed a bid for a rifle used in the war by a French officer.
It was in good shape having only been dropped twice in surrender.
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom with my wife last night.
There were a group of elderly people say with their phones.
They repeatedly tapped their screens... Read more
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
For years, I’ve told people that chiropractors can not help with posture. But just yesterday, a friend convinced me to give it a try, and already I see improvement…
I can’t come up with a pun for the title, sorry
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
My best friend just had a baby and said he can't hang around with me this weekend.
You've known the baby for only 1 day and mee for 16 years, but okay.
Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
Jesus didn't pay for our sins with cash or credit...
Remember to buy a fifth on the Third for the Fourth or you may not be able to go forth on the Fifth.
Because the liquor stores will be closed for 2 days.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
What's the best kitchen utensil for fixing a Bluetooth speaker?
Looking for a friend to try new foods with
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
I was attacked by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things!
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