Got Money Puns

I guess it's out of order.

They said we were blowing it out of proportion.

It was a relief

It suffered from withdrawals.

...just cant think of one ATM

I really did change. I guess it just knocked some cents into me.

2000 pounds.

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, “there is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, “No no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, “Ruff!” The man carries on the bit, “See bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, “Now boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” “Well here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” “Ruff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, “I won’t ask again sir.” “I have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” “Ruff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, “sorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, “maybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

He got his money for nothin’ and his chicks for free

Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?

Gingersnap

Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?

Snickerdoodle

Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?

Shortbread

Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?

Angel food

Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?

Peach cobbler

Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?

Baked Alaska

Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?

German chocolate

Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?

Lemon bars

Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?

Fondant

Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?

Sherbet

Now I got gas money

... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

First I found a hat with money in it and after that, I got chased by an angry man with a guitar.

Son: yeah sure

Dad: how much money you got?

The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips

She told me, "If you got the money, honey, I got the thyme."

Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our amphibious friend.

"What's this?"

"It's a Hummel."

"A what?"

"A Hummel. They're supposed to be quite valuable. Well, at least this one is to me."

She picked up the Hummel and stood up.

"If you don't mind, I would like to show this to the manager."

"Oh, no! I don't mind at all!"

So, Patricia took the Hummel to the manager's office, knocked on the door, and walked inside.

"Patricia! What can I do for you?"

"Mr. Wilson, there's this... frog named Kermit at my desk, and he wants to borrow $10,000, but he has only this for collateral."

Mr. Wilson looked at the Hummel, then out to her desk.

"I don't see anything out of order here."

"But, Mr. Wilson--"

"Look, it's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

So, for Easter, my wife and I got our 2-year-old an array of balloons from a delivery service, including some pre-inflated pieces you could “build your own butterfly” with, etc. It was pretty cool, but coolest of all was this clear balloon pretty tightly inflated with a single penny in it, and if you shook the balloon enough, the penny would eventually find its way to circling the inside of the balloon.

Those balloons lasted for weeks, until today. If you’ve ever seen a clear balloon deflate, you know it gets a little yellow and opaque.

My wife found it laying around and brought it to me, saying, “This looks like a condom with a penny in it.” And I said, “That’s why they call it a money shot.”

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1   - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2   - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3   - Half the people you know are below average.

4   - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6   - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7   - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8   - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9   - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say “Have you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say “Have you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say ‘Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

Years ago when my mum was at a hotel with my dad she forgot her swimsuit so she bought one at the hotel shop. She got it put on the bill rather than pay for it there and never checked the price as she assumed it would just be a normal, cheap costume. Turned out it was an Armani one and cost hundreds so my dad 'gave' it to her for the next few Christmases, and when I reminded him of this years later: 'remember that Armani swimsuit?' he replied 'yes, it did cost a lot of Armani' ('our money').....

A few years ago, I bought my first car. A Mitsubishi. I didn't have much money, so I was glad the dealership worked with my. I was so excited I went to see my grandfather. I said, "Grandpa, I got a Mitsubishi, zero down!"

He looked at me and said, "When I was your age, I also got a Mitsubishi Zero down."

from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApOfbxpL4Dg&lc=Ugw87PmwOat4WPlRvQR4AaABAg

I spent all my money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it!

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the “American dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

I put up Punderdome cards on my door every day. Today's cards were too much fun not to share. What else can you come up with?

https://preview.redd.it/fru7gc2epjo21.jpg?width=2160&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=370a3ac0776b86863ed4ec133f9b667ec190566f

Project Run-a-way

America's Next Top Money Launderer

Keeping Up with the Car-Jackings

Naked & Public Exposure

My Solitary Confinement Life

The Real House-arrest Wives

The Great British Breaking & Entering

So You Think You Can Drink & Drive?

America's Got Theft

Pawn(ing Stolen Goods) Stars

Jersey Shore You Should Steal That Car

Who Wants to be an Arrested Felon?

Say Yes to the Drugs

Arson Daily

What else do can you think of?!

One of the classic  Abbott and Costello  routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money.  The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill.  This routine was done  many  times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10  
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right.  [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer, he hears a voice and realises it's coming from the bowl of peanuts on the bar "Looking very smart tonight sir and that cologne is hitting all the right notes. Oh yes!"

Somewhat taken aback, but also feeling confident he goes to the Gents to buy some condoms. Just as he's about to put the coins in a voice comes out of the machine "Don't waste your money mate! You haven't got a chance with the ladies tonight."

Astonished at this he relays all this to the barmaid. "Ah, thats easy to explain, the nuts are Complimentary and the condom machine is Out Of Order.

Left a $20 in my jeans and they got me for money laundering.

Background: Where I live, we have these little plastic cards instead of tickets to get on trains. You load it up with money electronically and then "touch on" at the train station and "touch off" when you get off at your destination. The other day I touched on at the station. Shortly after arriving, the meeting I had been going to got postponed. So I touched off. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't been charged for sitting in the station for five minutes so I went up to the ticketing booth.

Me: Is there anyway for me to check the balance of this online or something?

Conductor: Oh, no need. I can do that for you!

He takes the card, places it on the end of his finger, and holds it up to his eyes.

Conductor: Yep, perfectly balanced!

I think he was surprised by how funny I found this.

So I spent all that money, and I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

Finally got some gas money.

Now I got gas money

He got his money for nothin, and his chicks for free

The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.

After spending all that money, I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

...First I found a hat full of money...Then I got chased down the road by an angry man with a guitar?

The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips