It was good when Toe-sted! (Toasted)
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Lqp9tQ40bzA&si=EnSIkaIECMiOmarE
Robber shoes...
(Sorry if this was taken already lol heard it from a classmate)
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡A neck-tarine 🤪🍊
We have lots of jokes here some good, most not, but that's fine. What we don't have are the "situational" dad jokes, ones that are only funny (for us dad's) in specific situations. I was to collect the classics, so give a situation and then the joke.
Here's example #1, maybe even the ur-dad-joke
When someone stubs their toe: Should I call a toe truck?
A couple more:
When driving past a farm with bundled straw loudly declaring "hay!"
When driving behind an open back horse carrier, declaring "what a horse's ass".
Please share yours!
Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the astronaut decided to approach them and make first contact. Upon speaking to them, he found that they called themselves the Jibbles.
The astronaut lived amongst the Jibbles for many years and found that they used a unique series of toe rings as currency. Unable to pronounce their word for the currency, he called them ToeKins, chuckling to himself at his pun.
As the years went by, the astronaut learned of a war-like race of Jibbles. They came to his village and raided their supplies. They beat up several of the sweet Jibbles, and they threatened the astronaut. Months of this had the sweet Jibbles exhausted, and the astronaut hatched a plan.
Taking all the gear from his spaceship, he snuck away to the mean Jibbles camp in the night. He met with their leader and offered him his wealth in order to buy a peace between their villages. Seeing the array of technology the astronaut had brought, the chief agreed to his terms. The astronaut asked for a sign of good faith he could show his village when he returned. So the chief removed one of his toe rings, took a knife, and sketched a crude picture of a jibble and the astronaut holding hands. This he gave to the astronaut.
Returning home, the astronaut declared that there was now peace amongst their villages! The Jibbles drank and made merry and everyone wanted to see the gift from the other tribe. Late that night, when everyone had gone to sleep drunk, the mean Jibbles snuck into camp and killed them all. Turning over the astronauts corpse, they found they couldn't remove the ring from his hand.
And that's why you shouldn't trust non-fun-Jibble-toekins.
I work in a nursery in the baby room and have fathers day coming up. One of my parents loves the Beatles so for his card I wanted to create 'the Feetles' using the baby's foot prints. Currently I have Ring-toe and Hairyson
How do I turn John Lennon and Paul McCartney into feet puns?
Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed a bag on ice 😱😱😱.
After getting over my 🤢🤮🤢 I thought someone probably really needs this, so I called the hospital and told them what I saw, they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied...
"No, we'll just send a toe truck......."
Give it a few pointers.
... because they take so long to heel.
Hey guys, wanted to post some of my dad jokes from this week. If you guys like them I can post again periodically.
-
At a petting zoo, my 3-year old boy asks why the pony doesn't make noise. I tell him "because he's a little hoarse" (ok that might be an old one).
-
At the same petting zoo, my boy won't get off the display tractor when other kids want to use it. "Come on, don't be a de-tractor". Another kid is falling asleep on a different tractor. "That must be the dozer".
-
My infant son is about to flip over during tummy time but can't do it yet. When he missed his morning tummy time, my wife said he should make it up with extra time in the afternoon. I tell her "those are the roll-over minutes"
-
We are on a playdate at a friend's house, and his 3-year old spills open a teabag all over his bare feet. I say "guess he'll never have an alcohol problem". Friend asks "why not?". "Because he's a tea-toe-toller".
-
Buying vegetables at the grocery store, I tell my wife some of the lettuce varieties they're selling these days have been genetically edited. She asks "how do you know?" I tell her "they just taste CRISPR".
-
The rubber ducky in our bathtub has a stethoscope for some reason. My son asks if the stethoscope works. "No, that guy's a quack".
These are just the good ones, I probably told about 50 bad ones to get these. If you guys like them, happy to post more. Happy superb owl day!
My grandad always hated the milkman. Every time the guy limped up to the door (he’d had his foot damaged in the war) to drop off our delivery grandad would always grumble and mutter. I asked the old man what he had against the milkman. I never got a good answer.
It wasn’t until years later that I figured out that grandad was just lack toes intolerant.
I need to write a bit about "digital footprints" for a class.
I figured I should throw a few foot puns in to spice things up.
However, soon I found that trouble was afoot.
I'm starting to run dry and am close to being dead on my feet.
Can I get a few extra hands (and feet) to throw in some ideas?
Toe/heel/knee puns also welcome.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
Today my mom came downstairs and asked me "Toes, how are you at fixing phones?"
I thought for a second and saw my opportunity, so I replied, "I would say I'm pretty good, but then I'd be a phony."
I'm so excited to be a dad.
"A TOE TRUCK!!??"
My dad has type 2 diabetes, and has already had his big toe amputated. He learned today that they're going to amputate the rest of his toes. I need jokes about this to make him laugh. What I've got so far is:
-
Trimming your toenails will take half the time now.
-
You're closer to being a pirate than anyone in our family has ever been.
Any other ones you guys can conjure up?
The best thing to do is usually to just let it heel
You can always count on them.
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
This was surreal.... yesterday I was travelling between Brecon and Merthyr behind an ambulance. Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper. When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb. I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it. Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed a bag on ice
After getting over my nausea I thought someone probably really needs this, so I called the hospital and told them what I saw, they said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'. I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?
The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck......."
So yesterday was surreal.... I was following an ambulance into town, when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb. Call me curious or just the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled over and retrieved it. When I opened the box there was a human toe packed in ice inside it. Whoops, that’s a serious mistake I thought. So unsure if the ambulance was going to the Regional Hospital I called the hospital and explained what I had found. The lady on the other end of the phone said “Yes, the ambulance had just arrived minus the box”. I gave her my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it or should I bring it in? The lady replied “No, we’ll just send a toe truck.”
I ran up to my daughter today...
Me: "Hey. You always have my back right?"
Her: "What? Sure I guess..."
Me after quickly inspecting her fingers and toes: "Good they're all there."
Her: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Just wanted to make sure I could count on you."
Her: massive eyeroll* "Gah! You're so stupid sometimes!"
*walks in room*
Dad: Hey Lach, guess who I saw today.
Me: Who?
Dad: Everyone I looked at hahaha
*leaves room*
^EDIT: ^My ^name ^is ^Lachlan, ^a ^common ^name ^in ^Australia, ^and ^my ^parents ^do ^refer ^to ^me ^as ^Lach ^for ^short.
Like any good dad, I said "Of course I can sweety" before stuffing my toes into them.
After she said "NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY! On my feet!" I said "well why didn't you say so in the first place?"
[Helped her stuff her feet in]
"Daddy" she asked, "Can you pull on the tongue?"
......ike dthis?
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
I was wearing a pair of Peds socks with the brand name written across the toes when my dad asked, "Do you like those socks?" I thought about it for a second and replied, "Yeah, I guess." "But do you LOVE those socks?" he asked. "Umm, not really." "That's good. Because that would make you a peds-ophile."
Me: "My finger tips and toes always get so cold when I'm sleeping. I must have poor circulation".
Dad: "Then you must not be a son of mine! Good circulation has always been in our blood!"
