They’re digging up good rock puns…
I went to the minerals section of the natural history museum and saw a good looking rock.
It was pretty gneiss.
(I made basically this joke on a date this weekend at this museum, it took her a bit to get it but she appreciated it).
I don’t have a good rock, I just have...
After playing our set at the local block party, a group of kids walked up to the stage and the leader laughed, "You rock pretty good for a buncha ole geezers, but why the heck did you name your band, 'Bald Patch'!?" I shrugged and said...
"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."
What kind of rock is a really good friend?
Not a lot of rocks are very good at baking.
But some can make a pyrite.
If I had a nickel for every time I lost track of my spending,
I'd be like, "where did all my nickels go?"
At my job interview they wanted to know if I perform under pressure.
I said “No, but I’m pretty good with Bohemian Rhapsody”
Remember, puns on St Patrick's day don't just shame you...
My 7 year old son came in from school today and asked me:
Dad, what kind of mouse can walk on 2 legs?"
"Erm, I don't know" I replied
"Mickey Mouse" he replied laughing
"Dad, what kind of duck can walk on 2 legs"
"Donald Duck" I replied
"No, all ducks you idiot"
I get so nervous during earthquakes...
...that I start shaking uncontrollably.
Why is it a bad idea to iron a four leaf clover?
Because you shouldn't press your luck.
I got a text saying that I've won either £100 cash or tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute act.
They said to press 1 for the money, 2 for the show...
What is a earthquake's favorite song?
Shake it off! Sorry that was a tectonic sized joke
What do you call a beach babe who fights for the vote?
Some call her... surfragette!
If I ever get into a wrestling match with The Rock...
2 earthquakes decided to end their marriage
It was a no-fault divorce
I’m not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks.
It helps me speak boulder.
What do the movies "Titanic" and "The Sixth Sense" have in common?
What's the opposite of a wet thunder lizard?
A drynosaur!
Nobody in my house thought this was funny the first time. Or the twenty third time.
My friend got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines.
There’s only one other coworker on that line, so he has to make every second count.
What’s Medusa’s favorite kind of cheese?
What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber?
I hope I've elegantly wasted your time
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.
Smoking bacon will cure it.
After I lost my forefinger in an accident, every time I play rock paper scissors
What did Obama say when he dropped his seashell at the beach?
I literally just killed a scorpion in my house
I was like “GET OVER HERE!!”
Snores loudly and car careens off road
what happens when you hit Dwayne Johnsons butt?
I’d make a joke about mountain climbing but you wouldn’t find it funny because…
It hasn’t reached its peak yet.
Why are shooting stars so fast?
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
"I Lost My Job" Puns
My daughter and I have been trading these. Here is our current list - would love to hear more!
- I lost my job at the chess factory. I couldn’t work knights.
- I lost my job at the bank. A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
- I lost my job at the keyboard factory. I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
- I lost my job at the calendar factory. I took too many days off.
- I lost my job as a maze designed. I got lost in my work.
- I lost my job as an electrician. I was shocked!
- I lost my job as a psychic. I didn’t see it coming!
- I lost my job at the funeral home. Apparently, the options are “cremation” or “burial,” not “smoking” or “non-smoking.”
- I lost my job as an astronomer. I thought my work was looking up!
- I lost my job as a cyber criminal. I couldn’t hack it.
- I lost my job as a human cannonball. I got fired!
- I lost my job as a garbage collector. I had no training but I thought I would pick it up as I go.
- I lost my job as a math teacher, same job I’ve had since 2000. That’s 46 years down the drain!
- I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.
- I lost my job as a fisherman. I didn’t make enough net income.
- I lost my job as a baker. I really kneaded the dough!
- I lost my job as a historian. There was no future in it.
- I lost my job as a tour guide in Australia. I did not have the right koalafications.
- I lost my job at the upholstery repair shop. I may never recover.
- I lost my job as a massage therapist. I rubbed people the wrong way.
- I lost my job as a seamstress. And I tried sew hard.
- I lost my job as a musician. I just wasn’t noteworthy.
- I lost my job at the unemployment office. And I still need to go back there tomorrow.
- I lost my job feeding giraffes. I just wasn’t up to it.
- I lost my job as a water slide attendant. My career is going down the tubes.
- I lost my job at the paper shredding factory. It was a tearable job.
- I lost my job as a drummer. I’m sure there will be repercussions.
- I lost my job as a pole vaulter. I'll never get over it.
- I lost my job as a pet groomer. I couldn’t make heads or tails of it.
- I lost my job as a pastry tester. That job was a piece of cake.
- I lost my job as a mirror inspector. I could see myself doing that for a long time.
- I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.
- I lost my job at Dunkin. It’s ok, I was fed up wit
...
keep reading on reddit ➡
If you were 8 when rock lobster came out…
I only know one bad pun about paper
who wants to hear a joke about paper?
Actually, don't worry about it, it was tearable anyway!
I went for a hike in a canyon today
Heard two good ones the other day...
I heard two good ones the other day.
Q: What smells like poop and rings like a bell?
A: Dunnng
Q: Have you heard of the new Scandavian religious rock band?
A: No? Well, I heard they're Bjorn Again Christians.
Just sayin’
It’s a good thing Chris Rock didn’t tell any jokes about Alec Baldwin’s wife
No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
I asked my friend who lives in Saudi Arabia what he thought about the Iraq war. He said he had no idea what I was talking about. Shocked I said, “ what? Its all over the news, have you been living under Irock?”
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