Good Pilot Puns

He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force

Unless they’re working, then they’re not real down to earth.

They ascend to a higher plane.

We're currently filming the pilot

… We’re in a plane over the mountains when the pilot came over the intercom and said. “Ladies and gentlemen. I have some bad news. We are having a major mechanical issue. The plane is going down and there’s nowhere to land before it crashes. And more bad news. We only have three parachutes. Since I’m the pilot I feel I should go down with the plane” The President jumps up and says. “I’m the President. I must survive”. So he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The lady jumps up saying. “I’m the worlds smartest woman, I must survive”. She grabs a bag and jumps.
The Rabbi tells the scout. “ Son, I’ve had a long and satisfying life. I give you the last parachute so you can do some good in this world”. The Scout says “ Rabbi. Don’t worry about it, The nice Blonde lady jumped out with my backpack”.

The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

Back story: I work as a bartender at a bar that is right after you exit security at International Arrivals at an airport.

Had several customers sitting at the bar, and we were all talking about how Lufthansa pilots are going on strike, and there's been a lot of cancelled plans/major delays in the last few days.

Customer: I don't know what's going on! Must be something in the air.

Me: You mean there's nothing in the air.

Cue entire bar groaning. Got a few good tips out of it.

Friend's girlfriend: Man, we are really making good time.

Friend: Yeah, this pilot is really flyin'.

My sister had a good one today at dinner.

We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".