It’s your good eye mate.
Without sounding Australian.
But the jokes couldn’t be any cornea.
He was a super visor.
I can do it with my eyes closed!
For instance, as we are getting ready to leave, my 4 year old handed me his coat and said, "Put it on, please."
So.... I put it on. It achieved a very satisfactory eye roll from my wife and got him laughing. I'd say it's just as good as a dad joke.
A: You never see a rabbit wear glasses.
but the chickpeas can only hummus one.
My 2 yr old is constantly dropping small toys down the grate on the air return and a couple rolled out if site. This morning, I stuck my head down it and found a couple the had been missing for a couple weeks. Yay, dad!
My wife told me "She likes to drop her toys down there when she's angry."
I told her "you can't be upset. She's just venting!"
Groans and laughs ensued.
Edit: "this morning." What the hell is a kornint?
A guy asked his friend why he thought he couldn't drive his tesla on a road trip 2 states away.. his friend says "because you don't have a cord long enough." Everyone within earshot have an audible sigh along with an eye roll, it was pretty good
He said "Good eye might."
One of my adult kids is home for the holidays. I tell jokes all the time, of course, and sometimes he'll tell one back. Today he told his little brother, I love telling Dad jokes. "
We both got a good laugh out of it while my youngest just rolled his eyes.
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡I am a 57 yr old apprentice electrician currently in school. My instructor was explaining an electronic circuit and then told us it was an "ON-DELAY" timer. Without hesitation, i yelled out "Does it work faster in Mexico?" I immediately received 24 groans and eye rolls from my classmates(all much younger than myself). I only wish a had a mic to drop!!
EDIT:Thanks for the awards, almost as good as the groans and eyerolls!!
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
My father recently passed away and his services were yesterday. I brought a jar of dad jokes and left it out for a “Dad jokes: take one / leave one” thank you all for some amazing content to brighten an otherwise difficult day. I got some good exchanges and saw many people passing around their little slips of paper followed but the smirk, the eye roll, the confusion, and eventually a smile.
not good. You have that wide eyed man in the woods look.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
EDIT: Thanks for all the karma; I really don’t deserve it.
Because Heinzsight is 20/20!
Me: "I can too. I already did. It's so good, you can't even see where I drew it."
7yo and wife: Conversation stops, eyes roll, crisis averted.
I told her she'd have to find someone else because I wear corrective lenses
But whiskey will double your vision.
I now have Heinzsight.
IM LIVID
For quacking jokes
EDIT: this joke did wayyy better than I expected lol. Thank you all for the words of encouragement, awards, and corny jokes to follow up! I’m excited to make my family cringe for years to come
Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the bean stalks.
Happy Equinox and good harvest everyone.
A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."
Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.
Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?
The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.
Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.
The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:
"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."
Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"
The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)
I told her I'd look into it.
Pretty similar. Just a little cornea.
Good eye mate!
Good idea
Slightly long story. Tl:dr had to blurt out a couple of quick Dad Jokes today and nailed it.
Longer version I was wearing my favorite shirt today, in big letters it says: “DAD JOKES: that’s how EYE ROLL”… we were ate a state park with a lake, nice family spot. Near the parking lot at a busy trail crossing on our way in some random guy says “I used to work at the Pepsi factory but I got canned.” It took me a beat or two to realize he was talking to me, our groups had passed each other so I turned back and said “I got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldn’t concentrate!” Everyone laughed and off we went.
Hours later on our way back to the parking lot, same trail crossing. Random (different) guy turns to me and says “Why did Norway put barcodes on the side of their ships?” Ready for that one (thanks r/dadjokes) I respond with “So they can Scandinavian!” The pressure is on, so I turned back and said “What’s a pirates favorite letter?” He says “Arrr” of course. I said “What’s his second favorite letter?” No answer so I give them “P - because it’s like R but is missing a leg!”
Everyone laughs, as we go our separate ways I heard someone in their group say “Oh, he was good!” Perfect day!
Thanks for listening, I just had to share. Always be ready with a couple quick ones!
I don't think I've ever tried putting them in my eyes...
The cornea, the better.
Because they all have 20/20 vision
(Last time I can ever use that joke)
I just feel like they’re always looking down on me.
Sorry.
