I would cheat the Golden Globes. Hell, I would even manipulate the Academy Awards. But I would NEVER
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyjets4life6
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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Why don’t the Golden Globe awards go to real people?

Because all the winners are paid actors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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There should be a yearly award for best new comic book.

Call it the Stan Lee Cup.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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What was a very common name in the middle ages?

I heard parents named their children lance a lot.

First post please don't kill me

Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2021
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Proud dad moment.

Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.

I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.

When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."

From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"

Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.

Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaBarbaGuapa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2021
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How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buck-an-ear!

I Thank ye kind Matey for the booty! I be truly overwhelmed! Thank you!

Holy cow! Thank you everyone for the upvotes and awards! I wasn’t expecting this!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/motherduck5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/808gecko808
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2021
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What do you call a mom who turns into a dad?

Transparent

(sorry it sucks, it's like 2:30 in the morning right now and I haven't slept)

(Edit: holy shit! I wasn't expecting this to get so many upvotes. Also thanks for the awards guys, I really appreciate it!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bangtan_Pikachu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
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Gravity
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillSpyy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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My 15 month old daughter has been saying "momma" and "dadda" a lot now, and I tried using this to my advantage...

Secretly (when my wife was out), I'd ask her "who do you love more?", and praise her when she said "dadda!". This has been going on for weeks now.

The other day, my wife got home and I wanted to show her my little 'trick'. So I asked our daughter, "Who do you love more?", in which case she replied "dadda!" and ran towards my wife (which is very clearly her favourite btw).

My wife, who didn't care much for the new thing I taught our daughter, bent down and picked her up to cuddle with her. Her facial expression changed a bit, then she laughed. She looked at me and said "well, she ran to me as she said that, and her diaper is full... so clearly she was full of crap when she said that!"

My wife is now in on the dad jokes and won this one!

Edit: Bolded the text to emphasize what part of this story was the dad joke...

Final Edit: My wife was surprised at how much this blew up! She says thanks to everyone, but she has no idea what the awards are for (since she doesn’t use Reddit). πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2021
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Wow just wow
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oracle_3605
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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My friend keeps saying β€œCheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EightRules
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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Found this on r/memes
πŸ‘︎ 900
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspiBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Do you know Yoda had a last name?

It was Layheehoo

Edit: thank you sooo much for so many awards. Made my day.

πŸ‘︎ 827
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pretend-Genius
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipflop
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS...

oh... it's a tie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGamerBoy015
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
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Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same thing?

Because 10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too..

Edit: thank you for awards, I have never gotten one before. I apologize that this is a repost, I did see it on TikTok and thought that it was cute and wanted to share. In the future I will check the sub for similar content before I post anything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewzerman
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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And the award for the best neck ware goes to....

Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

Because he wanted space

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaa_virus
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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The Oscar winner for Best Picture is a Bong hit.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/centuryeyes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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"Hey dad, I'm trans"

"I have no son"

"Thanks for supporting me"

I'm sure this has been done but it got a chuckle out of me

Edit wow, I wasn't expecting an award. Thank you kind stranger!

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niskara
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Straight from my 6 yr old.

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

Dino-snore.

I ugly laughed at this and she thought it was the best.

Edit: wow, thanks for the awards! I told my daughter she got 500 likes and she started dancing. Thank you!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianX09
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oak05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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What did yoda say when he saw himself on a HD tv?

HDMI

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThanosPizzaCrust
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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What do you call Iraq when you Zoom in
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CasuallyCritical
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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I got arrested at NASA.

I didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Edit: thanks for the awards, kind strangers!

Gamora: "I am going to die surrounded by the biggest idiots in the galaxy."

πŸ‘︎ 344
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnyabcde
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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The other day, I broke my award for Best Cat Gastroenterologist.

It was a catasstrophy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob_cock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2016
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I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

Thank you for the awards. You made my day πŸ˜ƒ

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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Why is North Korea so evil?

Because they have no Seoul.

Edit: Thanks for the support and for my first award everyone! I can’t take credit for the joke itself as a friend who passed a number of years made it up in high school, but I’m sure he’d be ecstatic to see the number of updoots and laughter it’s brought.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fourchubio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling 🎳 '

Thank you for the awards

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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My cousin is obsessed with Belle Delphine (long)

I’m worried about my cousin. He’s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. He’s into girls. Ooh, there’s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousin’s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, there’s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tom’s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin won’t shut up about how he bought them all. He’s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. It’s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, I’m telling him that this isn’t healthy behavior, and I’m encouraging him to seek counseling. I’m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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My mother and my wife teamed up on me to encourage me to take my glucosamine and chondroitin pills.

It was joint support for my joint support.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbrown705
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
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Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!

Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers.

I know, I know, snot funny.

-Edit- Thanks for the awards guys! First silver! :-D

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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A couple has two sons...

One named Amal and the other named Juan. But being young and not financially stable, they give them up for adoption. Years later, the mother gets in contact with the family that had adopted the boys. The adopted father pulls out a picture of Juan, and his the mother cries he's so grown up and handsome. "But what about my other son, don't you have a picture of him?" She asks. The father smiles, shrugs and tells her, "Oh but they're twins,if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[On mobile. Also my dad used to tell me this joke, and it's been a long time since I heard so I may have messed up.]

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
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I accidentally put viagra in my ear

I’m hard of hearing now

Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards

Edit 2: Tis a HARD joke to beat

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrikkWikkid5150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Why can't you hear a psychiatrist use the bathroom?

The P is silent!

.

Edit: thanks for the hugz award!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuteAutumnBear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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Burnt my hawaiian pizza today...

Should have cooked it on aloha temperature.

EDIT: Thanks for the awards, y'all!

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/user7618
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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Bucking tradition, I put my picture in a locket for my best girl...

I am so independent.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Borskaegel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2016
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What has five toes but isn't your foot?

My foot.

Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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And the​ award for best neckwear goes to...

Huh, would you look at that... It was a tie

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
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And the award for best neckwear goes to...

Huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoubleUTeeEfff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2017
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And the award for the best neckwear goes to...

Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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And now, the award for the best neckwear goes to...

...oh, look! It's a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flayan514
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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