Matt Stutzman was born without arms. To help feed his family, Matt learned to shoot a bow. He was soon competing in tournaments and came in second at the 2012 London Paralympic Games. He missed out on the gold medal and had to settle for silver..

but you still have to hand it to him though.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Schnauss
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 13 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. โ€œYou have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.โ€

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, โ€œFor my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have.โ€ Poof! The jewels appear.

โ€œFor my second wish, I want karma. Lots of karma.โ€ Poof! The karma appears.

The genie stares at the teacher, waiting for the third wish. โ€œI can give you anything in the world,โ€ he says again.

The teacher thinks for a long time. โ€œAs a teacher, I always hated careless mistakes from my students. I noticed that I accidentally wrote โ€˜lambโ€™ instead of โ€˜lamp.โ€™ Please correct my mistake.โ€

The genie moaned in anguish. โ€œThis is Reddit,โ€ he shouted. Once you post it, you canโ€™t edit the title.

โ€œIn that case,โ€ the teacher smiled, โ€œIt looks like Iโ€™ve got myself a genie for eternity.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FancyAlligator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™m participating in the kleptomania Olympics this year.

I plan to take home the gold, the silver and the bronze.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RedShirtCashion
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Anti-Earth

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 light-years from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."

They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.

"Why are the buildings shining like that?", he asked.

"Didn't they brief you about the colony?", the driver asked "We don't call it Anti-Earth for no reason, it's literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon (C) here, and interestingly carbon (C) doesn't occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium (Ra) which glow in the dark."

After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words "COMMUNICATION OFFICE" crudely etched on the walls.

"This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony," the driver said. "We can't use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I'll show you our most important resource."

They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.

"This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn't get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold (Au), silver (Ag) and platinum (Pt) trees to Earth, the iron (Fe) and aluminium (Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium (U) and astatine (At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren't what we are here for."

The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.

"These are made of rhenium (Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioa

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/flwthewhiterabbit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I once entered the world kleptomaniac championships.

I took gold, silver, and bronze.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zu-den-sternen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 15 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What is blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

Edit : Thanks for the silver and gold

Edit 2 : Wow that blue up

Edit 3 : I never type "thanks for the ..." line, but since silver is also a colour, I did.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MolecularPotato
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bilgerat78
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'd never let my children watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

Edit: Thank you so much for the gold and silver

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theDwarfed
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Got my first tattoo today

But it was only temporary.

(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theophan
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuiltedButts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/auroraborora
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I've been accused of stealing other people's jokes

This post says otherwise

Edit: Wow someone gave me my first plat! As thanks, I'd steal make a post that says it all but this has already been posted before

Edit 2: thank you for the gold and silver!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/disappointeddipshit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I entered a kleptomania competition.

I got gold, silver and bronze.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TommehBoi
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm not saying China was doping during the Summer Olympics

But when they take the gold, silver, and bronze it raises a lot of red flags.

~credit to Steve, a real person.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thebignate08
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Lost If Found:

Water-tight bundles of untraceable drug-dealer cash.

Lost somewhere on the beach between West Palm Beach and Nag's Head, NC.

Also, loose pirate treasure of gold or silver.

Sentimental value. Small reward offered.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PotBuzz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Chemistry Puns

Funny collection of chemistry puns

What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten, and silver? SWAG


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution.


How do Sulfur and Oxygen communicate? A sulfone


What do you call Iron blowing in the wind? Febreeze.


Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the healing elements? Because if you canโ€™t helium or curium, you barium!


Why did the noble gas cry? Because all his friends argon.


Why did the acid go to the gym? To become a buffer solution!


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak? Because itโ€™s in the ground state.


How many moles are in a guacamole? Avocadoโ€™s number.


If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What element is a girlโ€™s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? Heโ€™s 0K now.


What do you do with a dead chemists? Barium


What animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon? A CaNiNe


What did the chemist snack on during lunch? A โ€˜gramโ€™ cracker.


What would you call a clown in jail? Silicon (Silly Con)


What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe.


How did carbon propose to Hydrogen? With a โ€œcarbonkneelโ€


What did one titration tell the other? Letโ€™s meet at the endpoint.


How can you spot a chemist in the restroom? They wash their hands before they go.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Why do chemistry professors like to teach about ammonia? Because itโ€™s basic material.


Did you hear about the chemist who was reading a book about helium? He just could not put it down


Why do chemistry professor like to

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My dad always has these...

...."insanely witty/hilarious" puns (if you can call them that, I'm not an expert) that he uses when referring to things, here's a few:

  • QuikSilver => SlowGold
  • Vin Diesel => Lose Petrol
  • Backup folder => Frontdown folder

I'll try and think of a few more but you get the point.

Anyways he thinks he's a comedic genius that dude.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/todayIwillHam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today

Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:

โ€œWell, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that Iโ€™d beat lung cancer...โ€

pauses for effect

โ€œ...I guess I let it go to my head.โ€

Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...Iโ€™ll be making matching gifts to St. Judeโ€™s or a similar organization).

Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another โ€˜incurableโ€™ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 25
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KoronaSenpai
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I entered a kleptomania competition.

I got gold, silver and bronze.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 23
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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