... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)
Nah. She made the decision on her own.
But I just left the gas station.
Toot Suite
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
I told them that I madagascar in Madagascar.
It had goosebumps
You're Fired !
"Who the hell would want to store themselves?"
They literally cannot even.
....he really is just a giant Banner...
A hamburghini
Long story short, the stairs didn't respond.
The MOO-vie theater...
The Lil Jon
My daughter will be 4 in December and I've been teaching her jokes involving animals and the sounds they make. I had taught her;
What do ducks eat? Quackers
What's a cows favourite place to go? To the mooovies.
She thought they were hilarious and for the next few days I would ask her to tell me a joke and she would repeat one of these jokes and we would laugh together. I asked her this morning to tell me a joke expecting one of these same jokes that she knows, then she took me by surprise by asking;
Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
I was taken aback and wondered where it was going, so I replied;
I don't know. Why was the sheep on the naughty step?
Coz he was a baaaad boy.
Few moments of stunned silence then me and the wife looked at eachother, then burst into fits of laughter while my daughter beamed with pride. Her twin brother is often on the naughty step for being a 'bad boy' and I'm thinking that she has put 2 and 2 together and came up with infant/toddler comedy gold. Very clever, and very proud dad.
When an eel bites your hand, and that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When paternity tests, lead to ratings success, that’s a Maury.
When our habits are strange, and our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?
But Canadians protest, underrepresented in jest, what’s one more, eh?
——————————-
(Repost of mine from over a year ago. Sorry. I remembered it while stoned and it was funny again. Credit to u/weizguy74 for the Maury line.)
The golf coast.
Because of all the pews.
pew, pew, pew pew pew!
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
To work
(Courtesy of Dave Ramsey)
Because people are just dying to get there
Just for the Halibut
She said, "How does popcorn sound?"
I said, "Crunchy."
Dorca the Explorca
A man was recruited for a space colony
He had been posted to a planet 14 light-years from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.
"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony on the way."
They had been driving for a couple of minutes when the recruit saw glowing buildings far away.
"Why are the buildings shining like that?", he asked.
"Didn't they brief you about the colony?", the driver asked "We don't call it Anti-Earth for no reason, it's literally the opposite of Earth. Any element rare on Earth is as common as carbon (C) here, and interestingly carbon (C) doesn't occur naturally here. So we had to make good of what we had, the buildings are made of rare metals like radium (Ra) which glow in the dark."
After half an hour they arrived at what seemed the main highway, the road had a faint bluish glow and the sides were lined with metallic posts shining faintly in the double moonlight. They stopped near a small dilapidated shack with the words "COMMUNICATION OFFICE" crudely etched on the walls.
"This is your office. You are supposed to handle communications for the colony," the driver said. "We can't use any wireless communication as the high amount of radioactive gases in the atmosphere interferes with the signal, so we have to use a type of telegraph instead. Come on, I'll show you our most important resource."
They walked a bit till they reached a plantation full of bizarre trees. Some were made of precious metals, some of common earth metals and some of them were glowing radioactively.
"This is the plantation for building the posts. We brought these seeds from Earth and planted them, apparently as they couldn't get the conventional elements they just used what the soil contained. We just sell the gold (Au), silver (Ag) and platinum (Pt) trees to Earth, the iron (Fe) and aluminium (Al) are used for constructing equipment and there are some pretty rare elements like uranium (U) and astatine (At) (which is the rarest element on Earth) which are used for scientific research. However, these aren't what we are here for."
The driver motioned him to follow him towards a small area of trees with a silvery sheen to them.
"These are made of rhenium (Re) one of the densest elements with one of the highest melting and boiling points. It is strong enough to withstand the toxic atmosphere and radioa
... keep reading on reddit ➡ICU
On a ferris wheel
She wasn't Intuit
A remote island
Hey, you're moving up, definitely going places! Nothing major though.
A homeless shell-ter.
Dad: sure.
This may be of interest to someone: A friend has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the England v Italy game on Sunday. He paid £3000 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at Nottingham Registry Office, at 4pm. Her name is Sharon -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook!
Dad Awards
To truly capture the “Spirit of the Dad” what are some achievements you think make a True Dad?
-
“Fixed it!” - complete an entire home improvement project in a single trip to the hardware/lumber store.
-
“Gotcha!” - demonstrate the Dad Reflex by catching a toddler seconds before disaster.
-
“That’s my boy/girl!” - get in trouble with the SO when your son/daughter picked up a bad habit of yours, or develops your bad sense of humor/pranks.
-
“Here boy!” - develop a stronger bond with the new family pet than any of the kids who wanted it in the first place.
-
“Office time” - spend at least 30 minutes in the bathroom hiding from the kids/spouse even though you don’t actually have to go to the bathroom.
-
“Blame it on the dog” - make at least one passenger choke on a fart in the car.
-
“Really?” - have a kid/spouse completely buy in to one of your bad dad jokes. (I had my wife convinced for nearly an hour that the rumble strips on the side of the highway was called the “Brailleway” and it was for blind drivers)
-
“But the kids will love it!” - use the kids as justification to purchase something that you’ve always wanted.
-
“Try it, you’ll like it!” - introduce a kid into your hobby as an excuse to go out more often than the spouse would usually tolerate.
-
“Saved the day!” - prevent a meltdown by fixing the favorite toy that seemed completely destroyed.
-
“Animal surgeon” - conduct ‘surgery’ to patch up a favorite stuffed animal.
-
“Here, let me show you” - take over a video game under the guise of showing the kid how to play.
What else can you add to this list?
Okay, I'm getting married & maybe this isn't the right place but worth a shot. I need a catchy phrase (hashtag) that involves the word "Duck"... It's going to be my last name. Help a girl out with your best word play/puns!!!
Me: Not really. There is a 70% chance we will be in the middle of the ocean.
Her: This is why no one hangs out with us anymore.
The Lil Jon
The lil Jon
