I'm trying to think of puns for one of my designs, Planet Erf. So far I have 'You Deser-ERF it' and 'I luv-ERF you' Any suggestions would be welcomed. Possibly ones that could go on a greeting card. v.redd.it/hri3com63sc61
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/studiozoetang
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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"Never thought our child would go that far."

"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/istrebitjel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jj8o8
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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I was going to joke about sodium.

But Na. That would be going too far.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CubingWithAlex
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Thank you

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you ๐Ÿ’–

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xcixjames
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at โ€œThe Cafรฉ,โ€ a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: โ€œParking now, be there in 5.โ€

โ€œDad,โ€ he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, โ€œDadโ€ popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The Cafรฉ.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

โ€œHello, son,โ€ came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€™s been so long!โ€

โ€œYeah,โ€ said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. โ€œToo long!โ€

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sullyrr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevorโ€™s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevorsโ€™s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevorโ€™s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasnโ€™t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

โ€œWellโ€ said Jeff, โ€œAs Iโ€™m sure you know the convention comes to town laterโ€.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

โ€œYes of courseโ€ replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShredderSte
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LazyLeo1337
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 02 2018
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Two friends, Jake and Joke, went camping

One evening Jake stole Jokeโ€™s bag and hid it just at the edge of a forest nearby. Next morning he told him what he had done and to be careful not to go far into the forest since itโ€™s riddled with bears once you go into the deep forest part and you are sure to get eaten.

Since Joke didnโ€™t return for a long period of time, Jake went looking for him. However, he couldnโ€™t find his friend. Jake, feeling remorse, called the police and told them what had happened.

Unfortunately, the police were no help and the case started to gain traction with the media. Reporters from all the nearby villages wanted to be the one to crack the case and find Joke.

Jake slowly spiraled into despair, not knowing what happened, thinking he killed his friend and all he wanted was some answers, buying all the local newspapers every day hoping to read something new and gain some answers.

Day after day the event slowly slipped out of his mind as time went by with no new information whatsoever. Until one day, Jake decided to put this whole thing behind him and found a therapist to help him move on.

The therapy was a huge success, he completed all but one meetings and he had just one more to go. He arrived on time as always, but the therapistโ€™s office was locked this time. Jake checked his mobile phone and he saw a message from his therapist that heโ€™s gonna be a few minutes late and that he should sit down in the waiting room, relax, and wait for him.

Jake, as any reasonable person, sat down in the waiting room and started waiting. It was at this moment that his phone battery ran out and he became bored, very bored, so he picked up a random newspaper from the table in front of him and then he saw it, the headline he was waiting for for so long:

Joke gone too far.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/murlockerLOL
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 ย  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2ย ย  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3ย ย  - Half the people you know are below average.

4ย ย  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 ย  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7ย ย  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 ย  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 ย  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ksbalaji
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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Need help with a dad joke

I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.

So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jcoutie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge

Once upon a time, there was a small desert village with a single well on the outskirts of the town. One morning, a woman went to the well to fetch water for the day. The lady was crying and the well heard this. A voice came from the well and asked โ€œwhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The lady stopped sobbing and asked the well, in utter disbelief, โ€œyou can talk?โ€

โ€œYesโ€ the well said, โ€œlong ago, the witch living in this town gave life to me so I could protect the towns peopleโ€

โ€œAlasโ€ the woman said, โ€œI am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the town for many years, but the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the townspeople up against her. The town burnt my mom at the stake! I am still young and do not know much magic. I tried to curse the town, but failed, and now I fear I may never avenge my mother.โ€

โ€œDo not be afraidโ€ the well said, โ€œI will take care of this.โ€

The next morning the mayor was going to the well to fetch water when he heard an odd noise. He peered over the edge to look down as far as he could when an impossibly long arm shot up at him. The arm grabbed the mayor and dragged him down into the depths of the well. There was a horrible crunching sound and the mayor was never seen again. The townsfolk apologized to the witchโ€™s daughter and everyone lived happily ever after.

See moral above for the pun...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ManGood2002
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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My Dad got me when I was 16, bleeding in a field and in agony.

I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.

Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.

About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.

People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.

He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".

In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".

He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sennais1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/heythereanny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair of eyes moderator status and entrusted those eyes with a duty of care.

Let's get down to the chase; here's what I'm looking for in an additional mod:

  • You live in a very different timezone to Syd, AU - GMT+10
  • You have a good sense of humour
  • You're not in this purely to grow your 'net rep
  • You're interested in being fair, and maintaining fairness
  • You maintain civility in yourself and your responses at all times
  • You have a bit of time every day to go through reports, spam, and post comments
  • You understand that your moderatorship will initially be a trial, and can be revoked at any time if you aren't being magical and rad
  • Some general CSS/subreddit formatting knowledge wouldn't go astray, but is not required

Here's what I am not looking for:

  • Strong, cemented opinions about what constitutes a dad joke and what doesn't - everybody's dad and humour is different
  • An overzealous post remover - I am not looking for an enforcer, the title moderator implies moderation
  • A(nother) dictator - it is my preference that this subreddit be gently guided, and not forcibly ruled, we let the community find itself and we listen to what they say

If you wish to apply for the title and duty of being a moderator to /r/dadjokes, simply state your case (why you should be selected, what benefits or experience you bring, etc) in a comment reply to this thread. I will then get in touch with the most worthy seeming applicants. Upvotes and downvites will not be taken int

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tali3sin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโ€™t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? โ€œMy Fare, Ladyโ€.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physicianโ€™s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


โ€œWhatโ€™s purple and 5000 miles long?โ€ โ€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ€


Every calendarโ€™s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œFour bucks,โ€ says the bartender. โ€œPut it on my bill.โ€


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโ€™s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle canโ€™t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Whereโ€™s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history โ€“ with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it werenโ€™t for C, weโ€™d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donโ€™t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks โ€œmay I join you?โ€


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraftโ€ฆ and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itโ€™s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive โ€œdat assโ€ so once a month my computer asks if I want to โ€˜back dat ass upโ€™.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheโ€™s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to โ€œincorrectโ€. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say โ€œYour password is incorrectโ€.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


Itโ€™s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnโ€™t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnโ€™t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 12 2017
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The Three Kingdoms

so thereโ€™s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as itโ€™s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom arenโ€™t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sirmonkey95
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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Making an appointment to get my dad's ears cleaned...

Receptionist: We don't have anything until October 6^th , but if he wants to go to our other office at [pretty far away], he can come in this Wednesday.

Me: Yeah, better do that. The TV's getting pretty loud.

Receptionist: Oh I hear ya

Me: Well he can't

๐Ÿ‘︎ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jimbeam958
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
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Need help with a pun, please

Hey guys. I need help with a pun, I've been thinking about it for a while and haven't come up with it. In Portuguese you informally say "xau" when you're saying goodbye to someone (sound's almost as the Italian "ciao"). I have a friend who always makes this funny pun when we're going our separate ways, he always says "Xau-sescu" (Ceauศ™escu - as in the Romanian dictator) and for a few months I've been looking for a nice comeback to that pun. I was looking for a way to incorporate the name of a dictator and the word "goodbye" (in any language possible), but so far I haven't been able to. Could you guys help me out? In my native language, Portuguese, I haven't come up with anything cool (my knowleadge in dictator's names is also not very vast).

Thanks!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pauloliveira94
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 10 2017
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Son's concert...

Last night I had to go to my son's 6th grade band concert. He plays the trumpet. Most of the band, like my son, only started playing their instruments this year so the quality was far less than professional.

We walked out of the school together and he had a hop to his step feeling really proud. It was a shame to tell him that I could barely see him let alone hear him by the squeaks and honks him and his classmates created.

I rubbed his hear and asked, "You play the trumpet, right son?"

He gave me a strange look. "You know I do, dad."

"So, you got to toot your own horn tonight, huh?'

His eye roll was worth it.

The nice part was being able to retell it to my older step daughter who giggled at my joke. A two for one!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 65
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bobsbattle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2014
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Got my wife good :-D

A little context. We have 2 dogs... it's warm... they shed... ALOT. My wife picked up her flip flops and they were covered in dog fur. She shook them off and a cloud of fur wafted through the kitchen.

Wife: Ya know what doesn't shed?

Me: What?

Wife: Fish. Fish don't shed. But they don't cuddle either.

Me: You could get a cuttlefish!

Her eyes rolled so far into the back of her head she was looking down

Wife: Okay that one should go on reddit.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/emosongs2cut2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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Sign Language dadjoke! (is this a first?)

So my wife is learning sign language in college and will come home excited about all the stuff she has learned and will try to teach me. The only thing I've retained so far is yes and no. So when I ask her something that she wants to say no to, she'll sign it (thumb, index, and middle finger spread out, and then closing, like squishing a bug). I'll reply to this with just the opposite, opening those three fingers. That is not the correct sign for yes, the correct sign is like knocking on a door. Well when she does that to correct me, I yell "Who's there?!"

She's going to divorce, I just know it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 34
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/my_name_is_Camp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
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Prime example of a dad joke

My sister's conversation with my dad about where to go to college.

"Oh God, that's way too far from home." - sister

"How many times do I have to tell you? Don't call me God in public"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/llahxam
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
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A day in the major leagues

Tom Vanderbilt was this nice guy that loves to umpire the local little league games. He was good enough to make it to the major leagues. His first day umpiring behind the plate the first pitch hits the far bottom corner. Tom calls it a strike. The batter, 6'3" 275 lbs says, "you call that a strike again I'm going to pound you with this bat!" The next pitch hits the far bottom corner again. Tom calls it a ball. The catch, who is bigger than the batter turns around and yells, "you call that a ball again I'm going to pound you with this mask!" The very next pitch hits the very same spot. Tom yells, "two!" Both the batter and catcher yell, "two what?!" Tom says, "too close to call and I'm going back to the little leagues."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/197708156EQUJ5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2016
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My gf dropped a dad joke on me

So my girlfriend and I were having a little argument when I realised that things were going too far. I told her 'this escalated quickly' when she came out with 'well next time we should use the stairs'.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stewarts212
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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Learning to drive...

So, when I was first learning to drive (actually my first time operating the car), my dad was teaching me to control the engine's RPM. However, he likes to troll me every once in awhile; this is what he did. Keep in mind we're parked in our driveway, parking break on, in neutral...

"Alright, weediereedie, you're going to want to hover around 2000 RPM, so I want you to really concentrate on keeping the engine at that speed. Hear what the engine sounds like when you go too far, or go under." I concentrate really intensely, and lose focus on what's going on around me. All of a sudden, my dad shouts in my ear "WATCH OUT THERE'S A TRUCK ABOUT TO CRASH INTO US!!" I immediately duck my head, cry out in fear, and slam my foot on the gas, while my dad cracks up in the passenger seat to the point of tears. Love you, Dad...most of the time :)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weediereedie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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Not too kind of me to say... But I was proud of myself

Been a dad just over a year now - Trying to find a parking spot at the zoo with my wife, daughter, and our friend.

Blind kid and mother start to cross the street and my wife is afraid I'm going to hit them and makes it known. My response,

"Well, he wouldn't see it coming!" Laughed for far too long after that.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hauntingbadger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 30 2014
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Dadjoked my girlfriend the other day...

Me: How's your day going so far? Her: it's going pretty well. I went out for a hot dog walk earlier. Me: that's cool. Did you relish it?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rahlord
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 09 2014
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My Dad dropped what might be the most obscure joke I've heard

Basically we somehow got on the topic of hipsters and irony. My Dad wanted to make a sort of pun to annoy my sister, because she hates puns.

Now I figure most people would make some sort of reference to an iron "e", and that would be it. But oh no, that's far too simple for him. He says something along the lines of,

"If they're ironic (or defined by irony), doesn't that make them Pharisees?"

So you've got to know that "Ferrous" refers to iron, and then to have some basic knowledge of the New Testament or at least have heard of the Pharisees before. This kind of works on another level because the Pharisees were accused of saying one thing and doing another, which could be said to be ironic to some degree. Of course I've just killed the frog at this point, but I mean if you're ever around some Chemists who have some knowledge of the bible, you might get a slight chuckle, or perhaps even a nod. I'm not really even sure if this qualifies as a Dad joke, but there ya go.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Raptor-Llama
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 29 2013
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Had to think about this one for a second...

Was out doing some errands with a friend today, he needed to stop into an electronics shop to get some supplies for the lightsaber he's making. Conversation went like this:
Friend: Where can I find thumb screws?
Sales guy: Have you tried the Love Shop (adult store) downtown?

A little less appropriate as far as dad jokes go, but it definitely had us laughing after we got over the initial '... did he actually just say that?'

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/reddittailedhawk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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I need help writing airplane puns for a message on a dating site.

So the person's profile only talks about airplanes. I wanted to send a message totally jammed packed with airplane puns but I don't have that many. It's probably a fake profile but I still think it would be fun.

Here's what I have so far. Hey Girl. Most of the girls on this website are so 'plane' but you're the exception. I have a 'terminal' illness and hope to meet my copilot before I go. Just kidding. My health is 'A oK47'. I was just 'play'n' around. Just to let you know I have some baggage from some 'turbulence' in a previous relationship but Shirley I can get past it. My previous relationship taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. However, two Wrights made an airplane. I hope a new relationship can 'takeoff' with you though. I would be a great boyfriend. I have financial 'security' and could buy you anything you want with my 'visa'. Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"? It's really good, except for the train and automobile parts.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/richrawl
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
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