A total dad joke I made up last night- What do you call an avocado that's giving you the silent treatment?

An Incommunicado

Eh?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mdooles11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Wife: β€œTommy said you’re giving up drinking for a month?”

Me: No, I said... β€œI’m giving up! Drinking for a month!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fdharp0803
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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My local tattoo shop is giving free tattoos if you lift up your shirt

Tit for tat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbsabo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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Let me give you the best advice there is to pick up women.

Lift with your legs, not with your back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zetta216
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2022
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He's not a rat... He'll never give you up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakynit
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
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Rick Astley will give you ALMOST any Disney/Pixar movie you want...

... but he's never gonna give you Up.

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Transxiety-47
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2022
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what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?

rick ash-tree

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imboredwithlyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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A list of over 350 Dad Jokes!

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. β€œI’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. β€œSorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. β€œYou’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. β€œWe don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. β€œWhy not?” one yogurt asks. β€œWe’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, β€œWhat are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, β€œIt’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, β€œWhat’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, β€œArrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, β€œI don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbersβ€”some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bugasum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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A businessman is sitting in an airport lounge, waiting for his flight.

He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:

"Nice suit."

The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.

Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:

"That's a lovely watch."

Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:

"Great haircut."

The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:

"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."

"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.

"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.

A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:

"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AranXD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
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Which ghost will never give you up?

Rick Gastly

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrowningStructure
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenNugget6475
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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FIL got to act out a dad joke

This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:

He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.

And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.

He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"

FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."

As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"

FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"

Peak dad joke.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2022
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Friend tried to get a loan the other day...

A friend of mine has this great idea for a small business selling collectables, so he goes into a bank and walks up to the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan for a small business venture."

Patty looks in disbelief as she realizes this voice is coming from a dog. But being professional she clears her throat and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The dog says $500,000. And proceeds to fill out the loan paperwork.

Patty, the teller, reviews the paperwork and notices his name and is a little star struck as it reads: Buddy Mick Jagger. Feeling embarrassed, but curious, Patty asks if there is any relation to THE Mick Jagger?

The dog sighs and says, yes, Mick is his father, adopted, but his father nonetheless.

Patty explains that $500,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need something to act to secure such a large loan.

The dog says, "Yes ma'am. I have several sets of these" and shows her a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly shaped. He then produces more and more of these small porcelain animals all hand crafted and painted various colors. While trying to explain these collectables are what he hopes to sell Patty becomes very confused and thinks up a quick excuse:

"Well, for such a large loan and unusual collateral I will have to consult the branch manager."

Ms Whack finds the manager and says "There's a talking dog named Buddy Mick Jagger out here who claims to be a relation to Mick Jagger and wants a loan for $500,000. And as collateral he wants to use this?" She then holds up the small porcelain elephant. "I mean, what even is this? Is it valuable?"

The bank manager stands up, blinks a few times, looks her straight in the eye with a large smile and says: "Oh! That's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

(My grandpa would tell this joke at family gatherings to all of us grandkids, we would only ever get small parts of it at a time, but the rest of the adults would always groan at the end. Wasn't till many years later I realized this was a pretty common long haul joke! Still a good memory, hopefully it have you a chuckle!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Stache_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2022
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Rick Astley loves Pixar movies

He'd loan you his copy of Toy Story, and maybe Finding Nemo. But he's never gonna give you Up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/No-Low-8597
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2022
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What do you call an antelope that never gives up?

A cantaloupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_AmandaTron
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Never gonna give you up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captainspookle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Never gonna give you up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stolen_Burrito
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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Rick Astley played β€˜Never gonna give you up’ while rapidly moving downhill sideways

It’s called Rick Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Assfrontation
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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I busted my guitar up but I’ll give it to you for free.

Really. No strings attached.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texas_OT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Understanding cop.

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The police cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2022
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any of his disney movies, except one

He's never gonna give you UP

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2022
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The first one says β€œbro give me up please” just in case you don’t understand my handwriting
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πŸ‘€︎ u/27aryaan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
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A Priest notices....

A Priest notices that one of the Nuns in his church always arrives for prayers wearing raggedy old clothes. He gives her a brand new clean set for free but she still wears the old ones.

"Sister, why do you always wear the same worn, old clothes?" He asks her. "Every night when I get home from church, I hang them up in the same place, then I'm still not properly awake before morning prayer so I always go and put them on. I guess it's an old Habit!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reckless_Engineer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2022
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What do you call a rock who just won’t give up?

Rocky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimple007
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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A man lost his best friend when this dog died...

The man was saddened deeply at the loss. It felt only natural that he bury the animal properly. He went to a nearby church. He found the priest and said, "Sir, can you help me? I would like to give my dog a proper burial."

The priest was bothered by the notion of burying the dog in the cemetery. He replied, " I am sorry for your loss sir, but we can't accept your pet into our burial grounds."

The man's heart sank, but he wasn't about to give up. He asked the priest, "Is their anywhere I can take him?"

The priest thought carefully and said, "You can try one of the protestant churches on the other side of town."

A gleam of hope came over the man's face. "Thank you Father, I will do just that. I do have one final question. Being a man of the cloth do you think a $10,000 donation would be appropriate for whomever will let me bury my pet?

The priest then burst out, " I am so sorry sir you can most certainly bury your pet here! You didn't mention that your dog was Catholic!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jolly2284
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2022
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Need help coming up with literary puns

I just bought a new car and a need help coming up with a punny name for it. My Honda Civic Hatchback was the "Hatchback of Notre Dame", to give you an idea of what I'm looking for. But I'm stumped when it comes to a similar kind of name for my red Mustang Mach-E. The best I got is "To Kill a Mach-E Bird", but that's hardly a name.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2022
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Rick Astley would've been the perfect gang member.

He'd never give you up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatMuslimGamer
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2022
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When a dictator gives you a thumbs up or thumbs down

it’s just a rule of thumb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bismuth482
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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Roses are red, cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2022
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If a butler screws up when applying for a job, you should always give them a second chance.

After all, everyone deserves a re-buttle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entropomorphic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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A man walks into this nice restaurant

Upon entering, he notices all these different cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling. Befuddled, he asks the hostess what the deal is with all the meat hanging from the ceiling.

She tells him that it’s a wager the owner plays with willing customers. She said, β€œif you can jump up and touch a piece of meat, then your meal is free. But if you fail, then you have to pay for all the other guests’ meals. Wanna give it a shot?”

The man looks up at the meat, ponders for a minute, then tells the hostess, β€œNo thanks, the steaks are just too high.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eladabbub
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2022
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As promised, I put dad jokes in my vows today

I posted maybe a month ago and wanted to give you all an update on how the wedding went!

My absolutely stunning bride walked down the isle to "The Throne Room" song from A New Hope where Princess Leia gives the medals to Han and Luke.

My vows were:

"You are the love of my life. Ever since you walked into my life about 2.5 years ago, you have made literally every part of my life better and more beautiful, you have filled my life with a lot of laughter and love. You have this amazing indefinable quality to you that makes you so amazing and the perfect woman for me. I love you with all of my heart.

Even when we are apart for only a few hours, we tell each other how much we miss each other. Well today, I misses you.

I vow that I will always be there for you, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, but let’s make it richer, we are the Richardsons

I vow that I will do my best to keep you laughing, smiling and happy for the rest of our lives.

I vow that I will never give you up, I will never let you down, I will never run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

I vow I will love you with all of the love, for all of my days."

It was a beautiful evening, with lots of laughs, plenty of serious heartfelt moments and lots of happiness! My wife and I could not be happier and it was perfect! I hope you all had a good day, I sure did!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerExecChef
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2021
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Son is catching up to me in age

This is more dad humor than a dad joke.

Cake day is coming up and so my son decided to give me a hard time about being old.

I responded that I may be old be he was catching up. He looked at me funny so I explained.

β€œWhen I was 24 you turned 1 year old. At that moment I was 24:1 or 24 times your age.

I am now 40 and you are 17 so 40:17 or 2.35 times your age. 24 is much larger than 2.35 so clearly you are catching up”

He responded, you can’t use ratios to compare two dates.

I said sure I can and made a graph:

https://imgur.com/gallery/5atlNhZ

I even included percentages to drive home the point.

He smacked his head and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bustnbig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2021
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A woman is sitting on a bench at the park, minding his own business.

While she's sitting there, she sees a young man who's jogging while eating a popsicle. All of a suddent, he begins to choke on his popsicle. The woman calls out to him, asking if he needs help, but the man quickly stops coughing, and gives her a thumbs up; indicating that he's fine.

About twenty minutes later, the young man passes by her again, now eating a hotdog. Just as before, he begins to choke on his hotdog. The woman calls to him, but again, the man gives her thumbs up, and confirms he's fine.

Another twenty minutes pass, and the young man once again jogs past her, while eating a bag of chips, where he, once again, begins to choke. He again assures the woman that he's fine, but this time, the woman decides enough is enough.

"This is the third time this has happened!" She screams. "Why can't you just sit down to eat?"

The man gives her a smile, and replies. "Because, ma'am, I'm a running gag."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DolphinDive14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2022
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Girlfriend told me to stop Rickrolling her or she would leave me

I said "Alright then, because I'm never gonna give you up"

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinotm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2022
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Wife : "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment to cheer me up"

"You have perfect eyesight"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?

The cold shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/conditackler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to a dinner party?

The cold shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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You have to hand it to the person who thought up the "I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous" joke ...

And I imagine you wouldn't have much left if you'd foot the bill for infringement of copy'right'.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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Did you hear about the award they give out to people who only use suspenders to keep their pants up?

It's called the No-belt Prize.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamoose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
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Rick Astley has a large collection of Pixar movies, and he'll let you borrow them. Except for one, he's never gonna give you Up.

Title

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwitmerhut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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Need some help, I want to give my geography teacher a leaving present and she's always loved puns. Can you guys come up with any geography themed puns? There are no good ones elsewhere..

Preferably something physical related, not so much to do with place names or anything like that, but if they're funny enough and not to niche I don't see why not! Thanks I really appreciate it! ^you ^guys ^are ^the ^best

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HamLamb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2013
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Sorry this one’s bad… really bad

A Man walks up to the doorstep of another’s going door to door

He asks the person who opened the door β€œwould you like to donate your feces for science”

The man replies β€œNo, I don’t give a shit”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackWas-not-Here
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2022
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Pleased to meat you

A guy walks into a bar and notices that there are three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling in the center of the room. Intrigued, he approaches the bar and asks the bartender about the unusual decorations.

"Those are part of our nightly challenge," he answered. "If you want to participate, you get one chance to jump up and try to touch one of the pieces of meat. If you are successful, you drink free for the rest of the night."

"What happens if I lose?"

"You have to buy everyone in the bar drinks for one hour," the bartender responded.

The guy looked around the bar and noticed that there were quite a few people in the establishment already. He then looked back up at the meat, trying to estimate its distance from the ground.

Seeing his interest, the bartender asked "What do you think? Are you going to give it a try?"

"I don't think so," the guy replied. "The steaks are just too high."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/You_Need_Jesus_JD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2022
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A FROG, A BANK AND A LOAN

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faze_Spriggan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2022
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