I may get in trouble by using weird symbols,

But it's my own asterisk.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Naitraen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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My friend asked me, โ€œIs sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?โ€

I said, โ€œI donโ€™t notice a vas deferens.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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Two photographer friends of mine went on a date together and immediately decided to get into a relationship. My other friends found this really weird but I think those two just

clicked with one another really well.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pabesh17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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My wife tells me that our sex life is weird, mostly because I get easily distracted.

Guess I better get back to it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 63
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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It's weird when I eat wheat, it gives me a huge headache But, if I get the wheat from someone else, I'm fine. It's just migraine.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xorflame
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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I get a weird feeling around people who aren't wellโ€ฆ

I call refer to that feeling as my "sick sense"

I hope that joke wasn't too dull, but hey, it only cost six scents.

Not to be mistaken for a half dozen walking trees from Lord of the Ringsโ€ฆ You know, Six Ents.

You don't need a sixth sense to know this can't go on forever.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kuhnaydeein
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Iโ€™ve been enjoying the work of some of my favorite graphic artists on my commute to work...

But for some reason, whenever I bring out MC Escherโ€™s art, I get weird stairs.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up youโ€™re

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kmaff90
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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When she needs changing, our baby gets weirdly angry when I try to take her clothes off.

She gets that from mom.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like Iโ€™m dadding well:

Son: โ€œI hate crumbs.โ€

Me: โ€œThatโ€™s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.โ€

Son: โ€œWell I donโ€™t want to eat them.โ€

Me: โ€œAnd they donโ€™t want to eat you.โ€

Son: โ€œCrumbs canโ€™t eat anything, Dad. They donโ€™t have a mouth and they canโ€™t swallow things inside them.โ€

Me: โ€œWhat if thereโ€™s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and itโ€™s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? Iโ€™d say it just got eaten.โ€

Son: โ€œAnd Iโ€™d say youโ€™re ducking weird.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VeryLastBison
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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My gf told me she gets weirded out when I'm too literal.

So I gave her a piece of my mind.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/poohonhead
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2017
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Remember Matt Damon?

I met a stranger oโ€Œโ€Œn tโ€Œโ€Œhe tโ€Œโ€Œube tโ€Œโ€Œhe oโ€Œโ€Œther dโ€Œโ€Œay. He didn't say 'hello', as a normal person might. Instead, he sโ€Œโ€Œaid, "โ€Œโ€ŒRemember Matt Damon".

That seems a little bit weird... but it gets weirder. The next day, I passed the same fellow on the street, while I was out walking my dog. He called out to me once again, "Remember Matt Damon".

But I finally cracked it and called the cops after the SAME guy tโ€Œโ€Œapped oโ€Œโ€Œn mโ€Œโ€Œy bedroom wโ€Œโ€Œindow, aโ€Œโ€Œt 1โ€Œโ€Œ1.30 pm last nโ€Œโ€Œight. He called to me, loud enough for me to clearly hear him through the glass, "โ€Œโ€ŒRemember Matt Damon."

My conversation with the police then went like this:

Me: Officer, I think I have a stalker.

Policeman: can you tell me anything about this person?

Me: Well... uhhh... he reminds me of Matt Damon...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/td941
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2020
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The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QuiltedButts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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My wife and I were taking a walk...

This weekโ€™s dumb joke:

My wife and I were out for a walk, and we walked through a cool patch of air right by a field.

โ€œItโ€™s weird how itโ€™s always cooler right there,โ€ she said.

โ€œYeah,โ€ I said, โ€œI guess itโ€™s because the sun never shines here. I wonder if they get a lot of dumping in this field?โ€

โ€œHuh? Why?โ€

A beat.

Two beats.

โ€œIsnโ€™t this where they stick everything?โ€ I deadpanned.

She laughed. You donโ€™t have to.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/truthcopy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MicroMJ
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that heโ€™s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say โ€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the moneyโ€.

The Doctor doesnโ€™t understand whatโ€™s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say โ€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the moneyโ€.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say โ€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the moneyโ€.

The doctor tells the man he doesnโ€™t know whatโ€™s going on. Itโ€™s something heโ€™s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes โ€“ heโ€™d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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College tour....

It was one of those rare days at college where my friend Gerald and I had gotten out of class and we had nothing to do.

We decided to hop on a college tour just for fun and see what happens. I attempted to ask questions that would help the tour, but Gerald was asking very weird obvious joke questions.

We get to the chapel and Gerald asks โ€œyeah, does this chapel have the necessary alter I need to make my many sacrifices?โ€

And then this dad next to me, living his daddest life, without missing a beat, turns to me and says: โ€œThe tuition is the sacrifice, am I right?โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Stopwatch9120
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Look at this!... I said to my wife...

What?....she replied. ..Look, the second, fourth, sixth and eight plants are growing very well, but the other four are getting dry, I said.

Huh...that's really weird!..she responded ..water the odds!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yeahmaybe2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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I knew you'd say that (xpost from r/TalesFromRetail)

Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here.

I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent.

One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving.

About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe.

As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say:

>See? I told you they were psychic.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/huskydaisy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
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Im my spare time I like to fight vegetables for fun.

I guess that explains the weird looks I get from my friends when I tell them i'm an amateur beet-boxer and they come to my shows.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MattGibsonBass
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Dad joke #1 for me! My dad is learning... Oh lord.

My dad called me out of my room, asked me what I was doing and I told him I was revising (insert quote marks around that for yourself if you'd like). He asks me to look in the car and there's a whole crate full of packets of salt that are all leaking. That sounds weird, and to be honest it is, but my dad works at a supermarket and gets to take home faulty merchandise so I though nothing of it. He asks me to move it all into the garage, so I do so.

Then he tells me: "Actually, put it in the shed". Now I'm confused since we don't have a shed, and so I asked him what he meant. He tells me, "The one in the old house". We own two houses - our first one, and our new one, so I thought alright that's enough; the house is a half-hour walk and I honestly cannot be bothered for him asking me to walk that half an hour whilst I could be revising so I get a bit mad and just tell him straight.

He gives me a little smile and just says "Don't get salty and start shedding tears, I'll do it then". He gives me a little smile and just walks off. I'm honestly so glad I'm moving away for uni next year.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChardRardZard
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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There was a TV show on last night which showed a group of people playing dominoes competitively...

Girlfriend - It's so weird how they are getting so competitive over a simple game of dominoes...

Me - Yeah, but I suppose once one person starts getting a bit competitive it spreads to everyone else and goes on from there... That's the domino effect...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flumpf_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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Grandfatherโ€™s ties

My grandfather was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kingy7777
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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I caught my stepfather in the act last week.

My stepfather and mother have been doing some remodeling in their first house to get it ready to put on the market, so they are fixing up some things, and I was giving them a hand. As we were working we had the radio playing.

My mother notices a light switch on the wall in the bedroom that isn't working quite right. She says, "Honey I think there's something wrong with the light switch."

To which my stepfather replies, "What's wrong with it?"

My mother says, "It's making a weird noise. I think it's humming. Why is the light switch humming?"

My stepfather says, "That's probably because it doesn't know the words."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Sennius
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโ€™t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? โ€œMy Fare, Ladyโ€.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physicianโ€™s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


โ€œWhatโ€™s purple and 5000 miles long?โ€ โ€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ€


Every calendarโ€™s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œFour bucks,โ€ says the bartender. โ€œPut it on my bill.โ€


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโ€™s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle canโ€™t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Dad's puns compilation

For the record, my dad didn't say any of these. Also, they get kind of weird near the end.

My vacuum sucks, or, rather, doesn't suck.

That drawing looks sketchy. Something about it looks... shady.

Lightbulb is a smart guy. Some might even say he's bright.

"Mmm, cheesy" he says as he takes the macaroni out of the oven.

When entering a planetarium, my father mentioned how he'd like some cookies with his Milky Way.

Oreolas = cookie nipples (Couldn't really think of a way to set this one up that didn't make it even more awkward.)

"Underwear? Under there?" My dad mentioned as he put his pants away.

Edit: If you've any others, share them in the comments!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JB_Big_Bear
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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The other day, I was really worn out from work, but I have my family very well-trained in the ways of the Dad Joke

So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.

At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"

I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"

The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chaosTechnician
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 29 2015
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So I'm at the store today, and I've gathered my items. I head for the checkout to pay for all of my stuff, while on my way there, I see a guy acting a little strange, but I continue on my way.

I set my items on the counter, and the cashier starts ringing them up one after another while I wait patiently. I notice the guy in line behind me a few people still acting a little weird, antsy is how I would describe it.

Anyways, the cashier snaps me out of my thoughts by telling me my total and as I go to reach for my wallet, I see the guy dashing out the door.... as in transfixed on his fleeing image, my hand reaches my pocket and I realize he's stolen my wallet!

I make a mad dash for him, chasing him down in the middle of the parking lot. He reaches his vehicle at the other end and as he hops in, I catch up to him and I'm able to grab his leg. I start pulling his leg and pulling his leg harder and harder trying to get him out.

I keep pulling his leg very similarly to how I've been pulling your leg for the last minute.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SoDakZak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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This didn't even get a groan.

My Fiance and I are getting into the elevator at a hotel we were staying at. We get in and the elevator was large and had blankets on the wall. Her: Weird, I think this is a freight elevator. Me: Freight so...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/waltur_d
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
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Got the girlfriend last week.

After a date night, I walked her to a car. It was late, so she tole me to go upstairs and put on my pajamas.

Her - "well, you don't wear pajamas. I guess your boxers"

Me - "right. I don't sleep in the nude. That'd be a little weird"

Her - "There are weirder things to sleep in"

Me - "Yeah, like a suit of armor"

Her - "That would be weird"

Me - "At least I'd get a good knight's sleep!"

She roller her eyes and told me to go to bed.

Edit - I clearly can't type. I'm leaving the 'roller' mistake though.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 85
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/triculous
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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Punny names of Dark Souls 3 bosses.

For reference: Link to wiki

Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:

  • Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."

  • Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."

  • Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".

  • Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."

  • A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".

  • Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."

  • A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."

  • A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."

  • A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."

  • Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."

  • A Long lived man has an unusual apetite for fish; "Old-Rick, Devourer of Cods".

  • In Bacteria-Town, a devastating disease strikes one inhabitant working at a hotel; "Cancer of the Borrelia Valet".

  • Roman god Cubid is ordered to take a woman to cave and kill her; "Drag and Slay Her Amor"

  • Osiris's statue has been in way too many marriages and people have started to call it; "Osiris the Consummated Thing."

  • The choir leader from before is transformed into a mushroom; "Champignon Cantor"

  • An english man becomes the leader of a Polish airplane company and gets nicknamed; "LOT-Rick"

  • An impatient tree person attacks a random mythical hunter; "Antsy Ent! Why Hern?!"

  • Horse named Elvis keeps making noise and a man shouts;"Neigh Less King!"

  • A child opens a chocolate egg and a white spirit jumps out; "Soul of Kinder"

Sorry about the possible typos.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dralnu22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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The word "caulk" is good for about 3,000 penis puns.

E.g: There's caulk in my mouth!

This caulk is getting old.

My caulk is all crusty.

This caulk is a weird color.

This caulk smells funny.

Etc.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Turnerh17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2014
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When ordering take out food...

This is something I do often and will get a wide variety of actions.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt sir?

Me (with a slightly weirded out and inquisitive expression): Are you sure you want me bringing this back once i'm done with it?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Snapsh0ts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2017
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Thawing meat for dinner

Her: "It isn't done yet because I had to get a shower!"

Me: "You should've just showered with it."

Her: "That'd be weird."

Me: "I shower with my meat everyday!"

I thought it was a classic. I got nothing but eye rolling from her.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Justcartaa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DontFuckWithMyMoney
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Moth balls

Were (my parents, aunt, uncle and I) out getting ice cream, when my mom points out malt ball ice cream. my dad, being the joker he is, says "moth balls? that's a weird flavor" we have a laugh, get our ice cream, and walk outside. In the wake of "moth balls", I ask my uncle "have you ever smelled moth balls?"

"of course" he responds.

I nod my head, then promptly ask "how'd you get the little things legs apart?"

.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 59
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SquidManHero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
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I don't know if this quite belongs here, but..

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shzt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
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My dad has used this joke after every single haircut I've gotten since I was 5.

Dad: Hey, where did you get your haircut? Me: Uh, I think it was a Supercuts. Dad: Hm, that's weird. I usually get mine on my head.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SavioSega
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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Moth balls?

Dad: "have you ever smelled moth balls?"

Me: "yeah, they don't smell very good"

Dad: "weird cause I've been trying pretty hard but I can't seem to get the tiny legs apart."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ieditmyreddit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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My dad said this one to me the other day...

Dad: "You know those tickle-me-elmo dolls they sell at toy stores?"

Me: "Yeah I've seen them, why?"

Dad: "Well, did you know that before they leave the warehouse, each doll gets two test tickles?"

Me: "Um, that's weird....ohhhh" facepalms and walks away

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/YooHoss
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2015
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Got my son yesterday

So we were coming back from a mountain biking trip and we passed a sign that said "Coda." Both of us being musicians I said, "Hm, looks like we're gonna have to go back there when we get home."

If you don't get it in some musical pieces the composer will put in a coda. They could put in a DS al coda or DC al coda which means either go back to the beginning or a weird s marking, play to the word coda then skip to the coda symbol and play to the end.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Redditmantothesite
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
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My dad on graveyards.

We were driving along a coastal road and there was a graveyard off to the side by the water. My dad gets a really puzzled look on his face followed by: "huh, that's weird. Usually cemeteries are at the dead center of town."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FlaccidInThePaint
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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When my grandad was in the army...

My grandad told me this one and it stayed with me forever.

"Did I ever tell you about the time that I was in the army?" he asked me one day, this should have told me something was off right away because no one ever even mentioned him being in any army. "I was having an affair with my superior officer, she was beautiful. But it was too weird, too strained by the fact that I was a private and she a Sergeant. So I pulled her aside one day and said, 'listen Tina, I have to break it off, it's getting too difficult to keep going. But she was mad about me and she started crying. I tried to console her, I said 'Don't cry for me Sergeant Tina!!'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 19
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/c0mpliant
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
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The Ultimate Pun

This has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit 1: Thanks for my first gold /u/Lhjnhnas!!!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 415
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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The Ultimate Dad Joke: The Bulgarian Train Driver

Okay, so this has been my favorite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacerbated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I don't get it," says the executioner. "I didn't let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 35
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DylanTheG999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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